Not all conflicts can be resolved and not every conflict can be resolved with dignity. And if you find yourself in a situation of conflict with a man, you first need to understand what you are dealing with.
Types of conflicts
In the field of interpersonal relations, 4 main types of conflicts can be distinguished:
1. Conflict-game: “Sweethearts scold, only amuse themselves”
Such conflicts occur from time to time in couples who like it. These conflicts do not threaten relationships, they bring vivid emotions into them. Such conflicts end, most often in bed. Some psychologists question this way of bringing emotions into your personal life, but by and large it’s a matter of two.
Here everything is resolved by itself, as it is done in pairs. And the question of whether worthy or unworthy is not at all worth it. Nobody is interested in finding a solution here either – the participants enjoy the process. If you like it – play.
Read also: How to quarrel with a man correctly – instructions from psychologists
2. Conflict for resources: “Who drank from my cup and drank everything?”
It can be, like in a fairy tale about bears, a common household resource – someone drank tea from your cup, someone sat in your chair, someone ate your pie and used all your shampoo.
Perhaps this someone has spent all your time (time resource), spent your money (financial resource), received recognition, a prize, a promotion that you counted on (social resource), or simply upset you with his behavior (emotional, psychological resource) …
It is extremely important to understand that this is the only type of conflict in which it is generally possible to find a solution.
3. Conflict for being right: “Do I want to be right or happy?”
There are situations when you are deeply convinced of your righteousness, feel it with all your gut and really want to show this righteousness to the world. It seems to you that the other person must admit that you are right, must agree that you are right, but he himself is not. What for? Just. Because at such moments in the world there are only two opinions: one is yours, and the other is wrong.
Righteousness conflicts cannot be resolved by definition. It is always a dead end.
The only thing you can do here to look decent is to admit that you don’t really need a solution, you need to feel right and get out of the conflict. If the other person is right, admit he is right.
A simple question you can ask yourself helps here: “Do I want to be right now or be happy?” Answer yourself. This brings you back to earth. After all, you want to be right at any cost only in one case: when there is no confidence, love for yourself and it is important to prove that “everything is okay with me”.
To be right is to be better than the one who is wrong, who is wrong. The good ones are not wrong. Of course, this is not so, but on a subconscious level, such attitudes really work.
There is an old anecdote on this topic:
One sage became famous for always being absolutely calm and in good spirits. The young journalist decided to interview him.
– How do you manage to always be in a good mood? He asked the sage.
– It’s simple. I never argue with anyone.
– But it doesn’t work that way! – the journalist exclaimed.
– Well, it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.
Remember this when you want to “fight” with someone for the truth.
4. Projected conflicts: “You are not guilty of anything, but you are responsible for everything.”
Such conflicts are drawn from the past. For example, a girl cannot forgive an ex-boyfriend, but takes it out on the one she is dating now. A woman deep in her soul does not let go of the grudge against her school friend, and is trying to “take revenge” on her colleagues. Such conflicts are extremely difficult not only to resolve, but also to see, therefore, it is best to deal with them in the office of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
12 rules to help you painlessly resolve conflict
So, a conflict can be resolved only if it is a conflict for resources.
To resolve the conflict constructively and look decent at the same time, you should adhere to the following principles:
- Remember, conflict is not equal to quarrel. Conflict is a clash of opinions and interests, here everything can be settled in an amicable way, without shouting and swearing.
- Determine what exactly you cannot share, for what interest or resource there is a struggle. It can be money, time, love, touch … even a blanket.
- Ask yourself, “What do I really want?” Find a solution? Keep the peace? Not to lose this relationship? Or blow off some steam? Or maybe show who’s boss? When you honestly answer this question to yourself, a lot will become clear – what to do, what to say, how to behave.
- Do not get personal, separate the person and his actions (your communication partner is okay, but his behavior does not suit you).
- Avoid reproaches, claims, accusations. Try not to use you-construction (you are bad, you only think about yourself, you do not love me).
- Talk about your feelings and emotions! (“When you spend all weekend with friends, I am very bored, I feel lonely, abandoned, not needed by you”).
- Don’t be afraid of emotions – you have the right to be angry! Sometimes anger helps to put everything in its place, gives courage, helps to express what you were previously embarrassed to voice.
- Voice your interests and desires. Too many conflicts occur simply because one side is being modest, and the other does not have the gift of telepathy. It happens that a man always takes the “last piece” from his plate, and the girl, out of modesty, at first keeps silent about the fact that she herself wanted this piece, and then takes offense that the man did not guess and did not offer it to her. Even if a piece has already been eaten and cannot be returned, do not be silent anyway – let your partner have information for the future.
- Set your boundaries. This is sacred. This is how it is possible with you and how it is not possible with you. Perhaps you yourself do not know where your boundaries are and what they are. In this case, it is best to consult a psychologist. The “bell” here will be a simple fact: it seems to you that it is impossible with you, but everything is exactly how you are treated.
- If your boundaries are violated, impose and announce sanctions: what happens if another violates your boundaries again? Do not scatter loud promises like “If you call me that again, I’ll leave!” Sanctions are good when they are followed. You can say, “If you leave your socks on the chandelier again, I will throw them away,” but in this case you will have to throw them away. Be realistic about what you can accomplish.
- Be flexible. There are five strategies for dealing with conflict situations – struggle, compromise, cooperation, avoidance, and adjustment. Any of them may be optimal for a specific situation.
- Don’t try to smooth over the conflict or pretend it doesn’t exist. The conflict is unlikely to “resolve” by itself. When the conflict is not resolved between people, it turns into an intrapersonal conflict.
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