Life with a tyrant is marred by many dire consequences. The main one of which is the destruction of the victim’s personality. Despots, like maniacs, slowly and surely kill a person’s self-esteem.
By what signs can one recognize that there is definitely psychological abuse in the family? Psychologists will tell you COLADY.
See also: Legal protection against domestic violence – what to do and where to go if the husband beats?
Types of domestic violence
Domestic violence happens:
- Psychological – suppression of personality.
- Sexy. For example, coercion into intimacy against the will of a woman.
- Economic – money manipulation.
- And the last stage is physical violence…
A woman often cannot admit to herself that she has become a victim of domestic violence. Therefore, even at an appointment with a psychologist, the doctor has to explain and convince the patient of the reality of what is happening.
Commentary by psychologist, expert Bologny, Elena Tolkacheva
Psychological abuse includes abuse, gaslighting, bullying and other words, the meanings of which may not be familiar to many. It is not necessary to know them, especially to non-psychologists.
However, you need to understand that these forms of violence can lead to such consequences as low self-esteem, weakness, anxiety, phobias, withdrawal, distrust of a partner and even of other people, moral and physical exhaustion, panic attacks, depression, etc.
I tell you What scenarios in your relationship suggest that there is psychological abuse:
- He “rolls” you on an emotional swing. Either everything is fine in your relationship – he cares, gives gifts, drives to a cafe, constantly says “I love”, etc., then a “cold” period sets in – he withdraws, ignores and plays in silence, offends, blames for what -or, etc. Moreover, the negative is replaced by words of love and apology.
- He devalues you externally and internally. For example, he says such phrases: “You don’t represent anything of yourself”, “Who needs you but me?”, “They won’t take you to this job anyway, only smart ones are needed”, “Don’t wear this dress , it is for those who have beautiful big breasts ”and so on.
- He forces you to have sex when you don’t want to. This, by the way, is also a devaluation – of your desires and principles. Perhaps you hear this: “I’m a man, I need every day!”. Or “If you don’t, I’ll get a mistress / leave you.” And this is already manipulation. Not wanting sex at certain times is normal! But agreeing to it against your will, just to please your partner or out of fear – this is no good!
- He made you financially dependent on him. Usually at first it looks like a concern: “You don’t have to work, I’m a man, I will provide everything and I will give you money for whatever you want.” And later the following begins: “You don’t need it, I won’t buy it”, “This dress is too expensive, you already have a lot of them”, “Where will you go? You will have nothing to live on ”and the like.
- He forces you to feel guilty about everything. Yelled at you or hit you – you are to blame (you looked at him wrong, said the wrong thing, asked for help, etc.). In any quarrel, you are extreme, because you are hysterical / alarmist / bitch / inept / fool (in his words). So he escapes responsibility and shields himself, even if he is guilty.
- He shows hyper control: he constantly calls / writes and asks “Where are you?” and “Who are you with?”, checks the phone and keeps track of who is calling you, and maybe even puts a wiretap or makes detailed calls.
- He prohibits communicating with girlfriends (because “They are all prostitutes”, in his words), parents (jealousy or fear that they will oppose him), have male friends (“Anyway, you are cheating on me with them”).
Portrait of a Household Despot – How to Recognize a Rapist
The despot cannot and does not want to let go of his victim. Such a relationship is vital to him, because he feels comfortable in this position. He realizes himself in this way. For example, a man is unsuccessful at work, does not enjoy authority among others, and he makes up for this deficit at the expense of his wife.
Or the husband cannot relinquish complete control over his wife. He is tormented by jealousy. And if he “lets go of the reins,” he will feel slighted.
In any case, the tyrant has low self-esteem, which he makes up for at the expense of his inner circle. At the same time, he can be a terribly pleasant person for strangers and unfamiliar people. His relatives may love him, and not understand who is hiding under this mask.
Complicating the situation is the fact that a man does not always show his worst side. He is equally good and bad. The husband shows care, affection towards his wife, it is pleasant to talk with him on certain topics.
This duality prevents the victim from realizing what position she is in. This feature is also typical for families of alcoholics, gamblers and people suffering from other addictions.
Psychological violence, abuse are the terms that have filled our reality. Why has it become so important, why is it important to understand this issue? It is important because understanding the difference between “family grinding” and real psychological abuse in order to preserve oneself.
What are the signs that you can accurately determine that a person is capable of domestic violence?
- Demonstrates a very quick transition from sympathy on the first date to crazy love and seeks to develop relationships as soon as possible, including living together, in order to take the “victim” under the hood as soon as possible.
- At the beginning of a relationship, he shows increased attention even where it is not required at all.
- Shows full interest in the life of the “victim”.
- Singles out one woman among all the others.
- Uses “forbidden” techniques. Making fun of those areas of life that are important.
- It isolates the “victim” from others in various ways.
- Subjected to sudden mood swings.
It seems that what’s wrong with that, so much like the care that you so want to receive in a relationship. This is the big mistake of the “victim” and the guarantee of the “success” of the abuser, because the victim initially does not see manipulation and, quickly falling under the influence of the rapist, does not have time to “get out” of such a relationship in time, because depending on the intellect, manipulative abilities of the abuser, almost everyone can get its impact, because the “rapist” very skillfully studies and looks for weaknesses in the personality of the chosen victim.
Signs of psychological violence against women in the family
- Direct verbal aggression. Offensive statements about his wife. Humiliation of her in public and in private.
- Contempt. Explicit disrespect for expressing one’s point of view whenever possible. The spouse does not respect the creative activity, the work of the wife, and indeed everything that she does.
- Taunts, taunts and insults
- Using an arrogant commanding tone
- Constant and inexhaustible criticism
- Intimidation. Including threats to kidnap children and prevent them from seeing them
- Strong and unfounded jealousy
- Ignoring your spouse’s feelings
- A man does not consider his wife’s opinion
- The husband endangers his spouse. Forces her to be in conditions that threaten health and life
- Imposes inhibitions on grievances
- Doesn’t allow using the phone
- Blames his own failures
- The tyrant has complete control over the life of his victim or seeks to do so. Only he can make decisions in the life of both of them. So the husband can force his wife to provide for the whole family alone or, on the contrary, not allow her to work. Likewise, a despot can impose a ban on leaving the house without his consent, and an adult woman must literally ask permission for all her actions.
See also: All the pros and cons of a return marriage – is it worth marrying an ex-husband?
Mechanism of Domestic Violence
- Psychological attack comes first… Constant criticism sooner or later decreases self-esteem to the ultimate level. Self-confidence is undermined.
- Then the feeling of guilt is laid. After the victim began to doubt his abilities and the correctness of his actions, the tyrant makes her feel like a worthless woman and an immensely guilty woman in front of him. After all, he teaches her, suffers with her.
- Substitution of ideals and demolition of personality… The despot lays down a new model of life. He tells what is good and what is bad. And the victim, discouraged by criticism and attacks, agrees, because he no longer knows where the truth is. At the same time, the man tries to pull her out of the circle of people who can sober her mind. Thus, it ensures its complete invincibility and preservation of control over the victim. A woman stops communicating with relatives or limits communication with them and abandons her friends. The tyrant finds new friends for her. Only with them is she allowed to communicate.
How to protect yourself from domestic violence – said psychologist, hypnotherapist Valeria Chugunova
There are different types of domestic violence: physical, sexual, and, most often, emotional abuse. Not everyone is able to immediately react to manifestations of this type of violence, since they take human behavior for a character trait. However, there are “bells” that directly indicate domestic moral abuse.
So, if a partner constantly makes offensive jokes at your address, monitors every second, requires you to report where you were and with whom. If you have to apologize all the time, even if it’s not your fault. If you feel sorry for your partner, despite the fact that he offends you.
The abuser manipulates all the time, makes you feel guilty, even for the little things, convincing you that you, in general, are not capable of anything. In most cases, abuse is a whole system of interactions. But you can try to “log out” through passive resistance.
- First, it is recommended to gently define your personal boundaries so as not to engage in open aggression with the abuser.
- You should not, under any circumstances, make excuses to the abuser.
- Don’t allow yourself to be isolated from your circle of friends and acquaintances, don’t give up your hobbies and, ideally, become financially independent.
But remember, the main weapon against abuse remains – indifference, “the effect of an empty space.”
If emotional abuse passes into the next stage – physical abuse, the signs of which, in fact, are not only severe injuries and bruises, but also slaps, rough repulsion, etc. This is already a reason to think about the advisability of such a relationship and seek help.
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