It is believed that more than 90% of people are in codependent relationships and play the so-called “psychological games”. In a sense, such relationships are considered “normal”, and for many they seem even correct and ideal.
Take your time to make a decision “Be only in a healthy relationship” – first, let’s figure out what it is all about.
Relations between people can be very conditionally considered “healthy” or “unhealthy”. There are no clear, objective, generally accepted criteria that would help distinguish one from the other.
I would not divide relationships at all into “healthy” and “unhealthy”, although such a division now occurs quite often. After all, we are talking about mentally and psychologically healthy people, so the relationship between them is a priori healthy.
In my work, I prefer to use the division into constructive and destructive relationships.
How to distinguish constructive from non-constructive relationships?
In my opinion, the main criteria can be as follows:
- Constructive relationships involve honesty, openness, straightforwardness, appropriate sincerity, while non-constructive ones are based on manipulation.
- Constructive relationships arise when psychologically adults, mature people communicate with each other. In the case of a non-constructive version, adults according to the passport use the model of parent-child relations for communication.
- Constructive relationships are generally positive, people feel comfortable in them. Non-constructive relationships are uncomfortable – boundaries are violated in them, personal interests and needs suffer, it is difficult in them, and it is even harder to leave them.
7 signs of a codependent relationship
Let’s be honest: there is only one situation where this can happen. You can only be drawn into such a relationship when you yourself are ready to be in them, when you need it for some reason.
Of course, no one consciously wants such a relationship, no one specifically looks for them and does not attract them. This happens on a subconscious level – after all, such relationships cover many needs and provide a huge number of benefits and bonuses.
The reasons why a woman may unconsciously reach for a codependent relationship are different. For example, a woman:
- He does not know how it can be otherwise, he has experience of only such relationships.
- Considers them normal, because she learned this “pattern” back in the parental family.
- He intuitively understands that such a relationship is beneficial – you do not need to take responsibility for it, you can always blame a man for something that “did not work out”.
- He wants bright emotions. Sadly, a non-constructive relationship can really make life emotionally rich and interesting.
It is not easy to understand yourself, and to see yourself from the outside without the help of a psychologist is even more difficult. Therefore, it is easier to recognize the danger of being in a destructive relationship by observing the people with whom you interact.
How do you know that a man is prone to non-constructive relationships and that your new relationship has every chance of becoming codependent?
1.With this man you are constantly on an emotional swing.
You are sometimes angry, sometimes you feel very happy; then you are ready to tear it to pieces and send to hell, then you are touched and feel a surge of romantic feelings.
This is one of the “charms” of non-constructive relationships – they add spices to feelings, from which everything becomes spicy, spicy, piquant and interesting.
Of course, in constructive relationships there are vivid emotions, but they are associated with some specific events, activities, and do not constantly switch “back and forth” from positive to negative and back.
If you are not yet in a relationship, but are just looking at a new partner, you may notice that he has such a “swing” in some other relationship (business, friendship, family), which he tells you about.
2. It seems to you that your relationship is quite worthy to become the basis of a novel or television series
Or a man talks about his life in such a way that “at least shoot a movie”. Relationships, which are not based on feelings and closeness, but on games and manipulations, are always based on some kind of “scenario.”
And the script is just what it takes to play out the show. It is no coincidence that it is about codependent relationships that they often say: “It’s some kind of Santa Barbara!”
3. Some events, episodes are constantly repeated
Everything happens in this life, but if something repeats itself from time to time, from year to year, most likely, there is still some scenario behind it.
For example, a man can tell you that he is changing his seventh job and he was again unfairly fired. Or he told you that he was married three times, and each time the divorce was due to the fact that his wife cheated on him.
He may not have told you anything like that, but you yourself see that you constantly quarrel with him, and then make peace; disperse, think that “forever”, and then converge again.
4. A man is dissatisfied with his life, the existing state of affairs, but does not change anything or believes that nothing can be changed
In doing so, he often uses the “But” argument.
For example, he says:
– I would quit, of course, but I still can’t find anything suitable to quit.
– Yes, we have a difficult relationship with a child from our first marriage, but what can be done here? He’s a teenager!
– I really want to celebrate this holiday with you, but, unfortunately, nothing will work out, I’m just leaving on a business trip.
5. The man is very sympathetic, always ready to help everyone, support everyone, come to the rescue of everyone
At first glance, it may seem that this is a very positive quality that best characterizes a man. But this positive is very deceiving.
People who help everyone and always often do it at the expense of themselves, their interests and their resources. And when such a person enters into a relationship or marriage, then this whole story takes on a more significant scale – good deeds begin to be done at the expense of the interests and resources of the couple, the family.
6. A man violates your boundaries, demands that you sacrifice something for him, sets conditions
How you should look, what to wear, how to behave. This is exactly the moment when the child-parental model of relations becomes very clear, because usually parents tell their children how to behave, teach them and educate them.
7. Behavior and communication styles at work and outside work are very different.
Naturally, we all have social roles that we play – in one day we can be in the role of a parent, child, customer, passenger, manager, subordinate, client, etc. Your man in a relationship with you will not be the same as with his colleagues, this is understandable.
However, it happens that we are talking about two different people in general. At work, such a man is a despot and a tyrant, at the sight of whom all subordinates begin to shake.
And at home he is a submissive henpecked who mutters: “Yes, a bunny, of course, a bunny, as you say, a bunny.” Here we are talking about a change in psychological, not social roles.
This list can be continued for a very long time, or more articles can be devoted to this topic. But in order to start looking at a new partner and a new relationship, these seven points are quite enough.
If you’ve seen any of these signs in your relationship, it might be worth asking yourself: Do you really need the relationship? Remember that there is no right answer to this question.
Which relationship should you give preference to?
- Yes, healthy relationships are trending. But this is about the same story as with a healthy lifestyle and proper nutrition. Yes, useful and attractive, but not everyone wants to bother. It is energy consuming, requires investment, and sometimes work with a specialist. Someone will make a conscious choice in favor of not very healthy, but tasty food and will love themselves along with their extra pounds.
- A non-constructive relationship can be beneficial in many ways.
- By choosing a “constructive relationship”, you will most likely find yourself a black sheep among those 90% of people who are used to living differently. True, you are unlikely to be worried about this: people capable of “adult” relationships do not depend on the opinions of others.
- Man by nature, as the philosopher Johan Huizinga argued, is a “playing man.” We can’t help but play. Therefore, psychological games have been, are and will be in your life. Rather, it is about making a conscious choice – with whom to play, what and for how long.
- A person comes to a mature relationship when he is ready. If there is no such readiness yet, then it makes sense to accept the relationship that you are now capable of. Acceptance does not mean resignation. Acceptance means figuring out why you are now in such a relationship, why you need it, what it gives you and what prevents you from building a relationship differently. Conventionally “unhealthy”, destructive relationships can be a good “school” for you and a springboard for self-development.
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