Good relationship with mother-in-law: psychologist’s advice for daughter-in-law

Problems and lack of understanding in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are more than common. Of course, there are no universal recipes for “friendship” between them – each situation needs its own methods. But there are general recommendations that can reduce the degree of stress and keep peace between eternal rivals.

How to build a good relationship with a mother-in-law – psychologists tell.

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Building relationships with mother-in-law – advice from a psychologist

• The best recipe for a perfect mother-in-law relationship is separate accommodation. Moreover, the further – the more rosy these relations will be. Living together with parents, both the daughter-in-law and her husband will constantly feel the pressure of the mother-in-law, which, of course, will not benefit the relationship of the young family.
• Whatever the mother-in-law is, if there is no way to distance yourself, then it must be accepted with all its qualities and sides… And realize that your mother-in-law is not your rival. That is, do not try to “surpass” her and acknowledge (at least outwardly) her “supremacy”.
• Uniting with someone against the mother-in-law (with the husband, with the father-in-law, etc.) is initially meaningless… In addition to breaking off relations in the end, this does not bode well.
• If you decide to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your mother-in-law, then withtry to focus on her opinions and desires, do not allow an aggressive tone and try to find a way out of the problem situation together.
• When living with your mother-in-law, remember that the kitchen is only its territory… Therefore, you should not change anything in the kitchen at your own discretion. But maintaining order, cleaning up after yourself is important. And, of course, the mother-in-law will be pleased if you ask her for advice or a recipe for a dish.
• No matter how much you want to complain about your mother-in-law’s husband, you cannot do this. Even as a joke. At the very least, you will lose your mother-in-law’s respect.

• In a situation of cohabitation immediately discuss the rules of your little family with your mother-in-law… That is, for example, do not enter your room, do not take things, etc. Of course, this should be done exclusively in a friendly tone.
• If in a relationship with your mother-in-law you are looking for equality, then don’t try to treat her like a daughter to your mother… On the one hand, it is good when the mother-in-law loves her daughter-in-law like a daughter. On the other hand, she will control her like her child. It’s up to you to choose.
• Does the mother-in-law want to maintain a normal relationship? Is the scandal inevitable? And you, of course, are guilty of all possible sins? Don’t react. Don’t answer in the same tone, do not add fuel to the fire. The flaring up scandal will subside by itself.
• Do not forget that the mother-in-law is also a woman. And what woman does not melt from attention and gifts? You don’t need to buy her respect with expensive things, but small courtesies can dramatically improve your relationship…
• Beginning with the boundaries of your relationship with your mother-in-law… She should immediately understand in which areas you will not tolerate her interference. Otherwise, be patient and wise. Grumbles unreasonably, swears? Think of something pleasant and turn a deaf ear to her words.
• Find a way to get by without your mother-in-law’s helpeven when you need it. This also applies to babysitting, financial assistance, and everyday situations. A rare mother-in-law will be a “mother” in these matters. As a rule, you will then be reproached for the fact that she is engaged in your children, you live on her money, and in the house without her, cockroaches with snakes would already crawl.
• Solve any conflict with your mother-in-law together with your husband.… Do not rush into the embrasure alone. And even more so – do not do this in the absence of your husband. Then he will be reported about the conflict, taking into account the opinion of the mother-in-law, and in this “report” you will not be presented in the best light. If the husband stubbornly refuses to “get involved in these women’s affairs,” this is already a reason for a serious conversation with him, and not with the mother-in-law. Read: Who is next to you – a real man or a mama’s son? It is clear that no one wants to choose the side of mom or wife in the conflict, but if your little family is dear to him, he will do everything to exclude these conflicts. For example, talk to mom or find a separate accommodation option.

How to build a relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law – says family psychologist Ksenia Yurieva

Even when the children matured, separated and created their own family, the problems in the relationship between generations do not end there. Consider the hackneyed record of life: the mother-in-law relationship! There is one indisputable fact – you choose your husband, and you get his relatives as a bonus. How enjoyable this bonus is will depend on how you build your relationship with them.

Mistakes that most often arise in building a relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law:

1. Competition… do not compete with your mother-in-law for the title of the most beloved, important, dear woman of your husband. For you, he is a husband, for a mother-in-law, a son. These roles do not overlap in any way.
2. Breaking family boundaries… As a result of not done work in this place – the appearance of the mother-in-law on the doorstep of your house at an inappropriate time, or even worse, her interference in the distribution of household chores or the budget.
3. Breaking the rules in the family… Do not give in to the pressure of your parents, go into direct dialogue with your spouse and determine the rules of your family.
4. Complaints to the husband about the current situation… It is very important in this moment to remain in an adult position and try to resolve the conflict with your mother-in-law on your own, because this is how your relationship with her in the female row is built. Any relationship requires a balance – take and give, do not forget that you must have gratitude to the woman who gave you a husband. From this position, it is much easier to cope with emotions and conduct a high-quality, deliberate, environmentally friendly dialogue, even with the most harmful mother-in-law.

Commentary by sociologist Alena Dubinets

Dear married ladies!

I’m not going to beat around the bush: the worst thing you can do when interacting with your husband’s mother is to start fighting her. Not in the literal sense of the natural (although many come to fights). I mean psychological fights, especially verbal skirmishes. They need to be excluded!

However, this does not mean that you should let your mother-in-law be rude or manipulate you. Define your personal boundaries:

1. Separate living with the mother-in-law is a must.
2. Don’t let her physically disturb your personal space, for example, come to visit without an invitation. Tell them that you want to see relatives in YOUR house only in the specified cases.
3. Never get personal when discussing everyday issues. Give only impersonal comments.