The other day, my friend dropped in, who had just finished her long-term relationship with a man. With a married man. I knew how difficult it was for her these years. On the one hand, she has a lot of expensive things, the car loan was fully paid, and on the other, she constantly felt guilty.
To my questions, why did she still decide to end the relationship on which she spent 5 years of her life, she decided to tell: what is it really like to be in the role of a mistress:
“When I met Dima, I was only 27. Before him I had a relationship, but all the partners seemed somehow frivolous. It was all wrong. We met in the parking lot of our business center. We worked in different offices on different floors, so we had never seen each other before. “Chemistry” immediately arose between us. He invited me for coffee, and I agreed. He did not say that he was married, and there was no ring. We met for almost two months before I found out that he had a family. I still don’t understand how I didn’t notice, because a couple of times he even stayed overnight. I understood that this is the path “to nowhere”, but Dima assured that he and his wife had nothing in common for a long time, they sleep in different rooms, everything goes to divorce, and they live together because of the child. And I believed. And when I realized that he was not going to leave his family, 2 years had already passed since we met.
Dima was generous: he gave expensive gifts, flowers, dinners in beautiful restaurants, guessed almost all my desires, helped with men’s housework. Only now he returned again and again to his wife. I met all the holidays with her. And every time I tried to say something, he just answered: “Irish, wait a little longer. Everything will be fine with us. “
And I have been waiting for almost 5 years. I loved him. And he only fed “breakfasts”. Every time I heard on the phone how he was lying to his wife, that he was late at a friend’s place or at work, and began to fear that he was lying to me the same way. And if we met by chance in a city or a shopping center, and he was with his family, then I just walked by. We pretended to be strangers. Once I saw them in the park, they were without a child. At the same time, they talked so cheerfully about something and laughed, and he hugged her. They seemed like the perfect match. Then I realized that this could not continue. I am already 32 and I want my family. But to be honest, I am very sorry for his wife Alice. She doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. The feeling of guilt that I was intruding into someone else’s, not so “miserable” life, as my beloved told me, intensified. In addition, I felt that I also deserve to be someone’s wife, the one that will always be in the first place for my man. Therefore, we parted. “
Unfortunately, such stories are not uncommon. It is very rare that they end happily for all three. Therefore, my friend Ira, who was in a relationship with a married woman for 5 years, made 7 important conclusions:
- It is immoral… Do not justify it with love. And you should not justify this with a broad view of the world and modernity. The phrase: “It’s only his fault, I didn’t force him” – self-deception.
- Waste of time… He will stay with his family. There is a chance that he will leave his wife, but she is very small. And even if he leaves his wife, then in your family everything that he left for new emotions awaits him – everyday life.
- Boomerang effect… If he betrayed his wife, he may betray his mistress. The same applies to lies: first he lies to his wife, then he starts to lie to his mistress. Olga Buzova is a prime example of this boomerang. Dmitry Tarasov left his wife and child for Olga’s sake, and then left Buzova for Anastasia Kostenko.
- Wife comes first… And she’s not always as bad as the man describes her. For a man, his wife and her interests will be a priority. They have a family and their own world. That is why, after his mistress, he goes home. It is with her that they watch films in the evenings, and go to bed with her at night.
- He doesn’t love his mistress… He can tell her about it, but he is not. She is new bright emotions for him. This is an opportunity to escape from everyday life and feel like a “real man”.
- The mistress does not know his real… Most likely, she is in love with the image that the man creates. And the real one is at home, with his wife.
- A man sits on two chairs… If everything is bad with his wife, he leaves. And if reasons are used: “You have to wait until the child grows up”, “We have been sleeping in different rooms for a long time”, “She is now seriously ill, I can’t leave her” – so he is not going to leave. He’s just comfortable. On the one hand: wife, stability, home. On the other hand: intimacy, emotions and variety.
No matter how many times women are told that a relationship with a married man is doomed, they still believe that everything will be different for them. At such moments, a woman feels like a savior: “He’s so bad with her. She saws him constantly, constantly demands something. And with me it is so easy for him. “ Women, do not be deceived and do not be deceived. Appreciate yourself, because you deserve better than wasting your precious time with someone else’s man!
From the point of view of family psychology, a love affair with a married man is destructive for a woman. Why? Let’s start by understanding the basic relationship between a man and a woman. For the union to be long-term and happy, each of the partners must fulfill their roles. A man will be happily married if his 3 basic roles are fulfilled: leader, protector, breadwinner. Male infidelity is a clear indicator that some of these functions are not performed by him.
It turns out that love affairs for a man is a subconscious search for an object of patronage. Dear girls, women, ladies! Do not forget that a married man who enters into a relationship with you solves his psychological problems. He’s not trying to make you happy! In addition, remember the simple truth – you cannot build your happiness on someone else’s misfortune. When he spends time with you, his wife does not find a place for herself. Are you ready to take responsibility for deciding not only your own, but also HIS and HER destinies? You decide.
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