Each of us probably knows the answer to the rhetorical question of why we need to forgive. Of course, in order to free yourself from resentment and throw off the burden of negativity from your shoulders, to become happier, to regain success. The opinion that a forgiving person is actually a weakling is fundamentally wrong, only a strong and self-sufficient person is subject to the art of forgiveness.
So how can each of us become strong, how do we learn to forgive and let go of all insults? By Bologny psychotherapists.
See also: Words and deeds that do not forgive even a loved one.
What is forgiveness from the perspective of psychology and philosophy
Philosophy explains that forgiveness is a complete refusal to take revenge on your abuser. Forgiveness has a broader meaning and includes understanding the person who hurt you.
In psychology, forgiveness is understood as the act of refusing to feel revenge, that is, literally abstracting from the offense that the person inflicted on the offender. When we forgive, the need for revenge does not occur. This is logical. If a person says to another that he has forgiven him, but still wants retribution, he is disingenuous. True forgiveness does not mean erasing the memory of the pain suffered, but its “freezing”.
Commentary by psychologist Anna Vladimorova
True forgiveness is about accepting a person and a situation as they are. For example, if a friend let you down and did not fulfill a promise, then forgiveness will mean that you accepted the fact that he was like that and did exactly that, and you don’t think or worry about this topic anymore: how could he, but I would never etc. At the same time, forgiveness does not mean that you wear rose-colored glasses and do not draw conclusions from the situation. But often we carry a grudge out of hidden revenge, hoping that this will teach a person something, that he deserves it, etc.
In fact, resentment does bad things only to ourselves, and it harms not only our psyche, but also our physical body, causing illness.
There is a good parable on this topic, where each offense is compared to a potato that a person carries with him in a bag. The more grievances – the more potatoes in the bag, it becomes heavy and begins to smell bad. And at some point you understand that it is beneficial for YOU to let go of this bag.
How to learn not to be offended? Learn not to build expectations about other people, and learn to get rid of your bag of potatoes in time, on your own or with a psychologist.
Do I need to take revenge on my abuser?
For most people, in a situation where they have experienced all the pain of an offense, there is a big or small desire to take revenge on this person. But does it make it easier for you to take revenge?
Perhaps, after avenging one’s grievances, at first a feeling of satisfaction arises, but then another feeling appears – disgust, resentment for oneself. The avenger automatically becomes on the same level with his abuser and gets dirty in the same mud.
Psychologists say that it is necessary to learn to forgive any offender – it does not matter whether you will continue to intersect with him in life or not.
Surprising observations of psychologists suggest that, in fact, forgiveness is not necessary for the offender – it does not matter if it is a person close to you, or completely alien – namely to you. A person who has forgiven no longer has stresses and worries, he is able to let go of grievances, having understood the one who inflicted them.
If you do not forgive, a person continues to continue to experience his grievances, which only grow over new and new experiences, becoming the main reason for failure in life. Resentment can develop into hatred, which obscures your eyes and prevents you from becoming just happy.
How to forgive insults correctly
Resentment is an unproductive feeling that you must learn to get rid of. I must say that the ability to forgive is a whole art that requires colossal work on oneself, the expenditure of a large amount of mental resources.
Psychologists say that in order to develop the ability to forgive, on average, you need to work on 50 situations of resentment in your life.
How to forgive an insult – forgiveness technology:
- Realizing the very feeling of resentment
A person experiencing an offense must admit to himself that it exists, that he is ready to work with it and eventually eliminate it. Many people who want to get rid of the resentment, but do not know how to do it, at this stage simply do not want to admit to themselves that they have a resentment, driving it deep into the subconscious, from where it begins to slowly destroy the positive.
- You need to prepare for the work of eradicating resentment.
Psychologists’ advice – after realizing the fact of resentment, a person must firmly decide to work with it. A person should devote at least twenty minutes a day to work to eradicate his resentment. This work must be seen as important training.
- Lose the grudge in detail
You have to imagine in detail the resentment situation that happened. Remember how your offender looked, what he told you, how he behaved. Try to imagine what feelings the offender experienced, what thoughts he had about you. Psychologists advise first to remember all the details of the situation, and then write them down in detail on a piece of paper. For such work, it is better to keep a personal diary, which will then help you evaluate the effectiveness of work on yourself.
- Answer the following questions as a lawyer and as a prosecutor (2 answers per question)
- Were his expectations realistic, because later they did not come true?
- This person knew about his expectations, did he agree with them?
- Does the expected behavior contradict his personal beliefs?
- Why did this man do this and not another?
- Should this person be punished for what they did?
Answering these questions, write down your answers… Put pluses in those answers that reflect the true state of the offended person. Calculate the pros and cons – while understanding the situation and being able to forgive insults, there should be more pros and cons for those answers that were on behalf of the lawyer.
- Change your attitude towards the offended person by answering questions
- How could this person avoid resentment, how should he behave?
- Where did the mistaken expectation of this offender’s behavior suddenly arise?
- How to build your expectations next time so that you don’t feel hurt anymore?
- What gets in the way of building expectations correctly, and how can you remove these barriers to forgiveness?
- How can you get rid of your empty expectations and significantly improve your relationships with people in general, and with your abuser in particular?
Technology for forgiveness of resentment from the specialist in working with internal energy, Yana Fiare
Forgiveness is a unique human ability and gift.
Forgiveness is the freedom and fluidity of a person’s inner energy.
To forgive is to let the internal energy flow, forgiving, a person does not block his life force!
How do you learn to forgive?
- Realize that resentment is an energy that is trapped and blocked. Having forgiven, a person does not create a block in himself, in his body and in his life, energy flows and gives a new turn in life, movement forward, solution of issues.
- Resentment is internal tension and conflict, and what gives tension and conflict? You yourself know. Resentful people can plague themselves with negative thoughts and experiences for years. And all this does not bring any benefit, it only harms physical and mental health.
- Resentment is a hook, clutching with this or that person, with this or that level, with this or that situation. And they will repeat and repeat until the person is aware of this point. Through forgiveness, a person can disengage from many things and not pull it all out in the present day.
Resentment is a destructive force. And for everyone to make a decision – whether he wants to be in the vibrations of resentment or is ready to go out into a new quality of life. If someone offends you or an event occurs that causes you to react, at this moment it is necessary to reflect and the cause of the internal conflict must be sought in oneself. Unfortunately, most often only through suffering can a person realize something valuable – reflect on life, see his shortcomings, remember values.
Not resisting the situation, but taking lessons from it, you rise with your consciousness, your formation and growth is going on.
Learn to look at the situation that happened not from your own position, but from the position of an outside observer. If resentment overwhelms you, try to imagine the scale of your life and then – the scale of this resentment in comparison with the first.
You will see two volumes – a huge universe – your life, and a small grain of sand in it, that is, an offense. Do I need to spend the time of my life experiencing this grain of sand?
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