Every person is familiar with the situation when they really want to refuse to fulfill this or that request, but all the same, in the end, for some reason, we agree. We find for ourselves a very compelling explanation for this – for example, friendship or strong sympathy, mutual assistance and much more. However, despite all these seemingly significant factors, we have to step over ourselves.
COLADY will teach you to deny people the right way. Take note of our recommendations!
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See also: What to do if your best friend envies you – we fight the envy of a friend.
Why is it difficult for us to refuse people
- It is often harder to say no in family relationships. We are afraid that we will be considered too rude, we are afraid that the child or close relative will stop communicating with you. These and many other fears push us to make concessions and agree to fulfill the request of our neighbor.
- We are afraid of losing opportunities. Sometimes a person thinks that if he says “no,” he will forever lose what he has. This fear is often present in the collective. For example, if a guy wants to be transferred to another department, but he does not want to do this. He will, of course, agree out of fear of being fired in the future. There are many similar examples, and each of us sooner or later comes across a similar one. In this regard, now many are worried about the question of how to learn to say no.
- Another reason for our frequent consent is our kindness. Yes Yes! It is the constant desire to help everyone and everyone that makes us sympathize and agree to this or that request. It is difficult to get away from this, because real kindness is considered almost a treasure in our time, but few people understand how difficult it is for such people to live. If you consider yourself one of them, don’t worry! We will tell you how to correctly say no, and at the same time not offend anyone.
- Another cause of the problem is the fear of being alone. from the fact that you have a different opinion. This feeling drives us when, having our opinion, we still join the majority. This entails inevitable consent against our will.
- Under conditions of constant stress, modern people develop a fear of conflict. This means that we are afraid that if we refuse, the opponent will become angry. Of course, this is always not easy, but this is not a reason to agree with everything. You always need to be able to defend your point of view and your opinion.
- Neither of us wants to ruin relationships because of our refusal.even if they were pals. Some people may perceive the word “no” as an absolute rejection, which often leads to a complete end of any relationship. You always need to realize how important this person is to you, and what exactly you are capable of doing for him. Perhaps, in such a situation, this will be the main factor influencing your consent or refusal.
Why does each of us need to learn to refuse and say no?
- However, before delving into the methods of dealing with this problem, everyone needs to understand why sometimes it is necessary to refuse.
- In fact, not everyone understands that reliability can lead to negative results. The fact is that more and more often trouble-free people are classified as weakand all because they don’t have the courage to say no. You must realize that trust or respect cannot be gained in this way. Most likely, people around you will begin to use your gentleness over time.
- Despite the fact that now there is a lot of literature on the topic of how to learn to say no to people, not everyone wants to fight it. And, if you nevertheless found the time to read this article, it means that now you are starting to struggle with it! Of course, no one says that the word “no” should be used often, since we all understand that if we use it often, then it is easy to remain lonely and unnecessary to anyone. Moreover, uttering a refusal, internally we are already preparing for a negative reaction from our opponent.
- To feel like a whole person you need to find a balance in your life… Everything should be in moderation so that neither your principles nor the principles of others suffer. Undoubtedly, you need to help, but you always need to analyze the situation and act according to the conclusions. Most likely, a common phrase: “Be able to say no!” familiar to each of us. These words sit in our memory, but they will not start working until we ourselves realize the need for it.
- If we analyze our behavior and thoughts at the moment when a similar situation arises, then each of us will understand that before giving an answerno to the interlocutor, we weigh little all the pros and cons. Sometimes we agree to a particular service contrary to ourselves and our plans. As a result, only our interlocutor wins. Let’s see why it is so difficult for us sometimesb.
7 best ways to learn to say no
Let’s look at the main ways to learn how to refuse people:
- Show the interlocutor that at this time you are absolutely focused on one task, which you need to complete within a certain period of time. It’s okay if a friend or acquaintance sees that you are a responsible person and cannot help him, because you already have one thing to do. However, you can ask him to discuss his request a little later. This way, you will show that you do not mind helping, however, at a convenient time for you.
- You can also inform the interlocutor that at the moment you are overwhelmed with work. and there is absolutely no time left to fulfill the request. In this case, you can even share with a friend some of your projects or tasks that you are currently doing. Most often, a person immediately realizes that you are very busy now, but next time you will definitely burn him.
- Use the phrase: “I would like to help, but I cannot do it now.” It is not always necessary to explain to the person asking why you cannot fulfill his request. But if you do not want to spoil the relationship with this person, then it is best to use this phrase. Thus, you show that you like the idea of him, but for some reason you are not able to go to meet him.
- Take time to think about the request. In fact, you should not be rushed into this. Especially when it comes to something really responsible. Say that you will think about the request and decide whether you can fulfill it or not. Each of us may have factors that do not allow us to fulfill the request. It’s quite normal.
- You can say bluntly that such help does not meet your current needs. It’s okay if you don’t want to fulfill the request because you want to spend your free time on more useful things.
- The current phrase is: “I’m afraid that for this you have chosen not quite the right person.” It is clear that you cannot fulfill every request. And at the same time, your opinion is not always important. Simply, you may not have enough experience or knowledge. It is best to immediately inform the person about this so as not to reassure him. In some cases, it is easier and better for a friend or acquaintance to find an experienced specialist.
- Directly say that you cannot fulfill the request.
Learning to say “no” to people with psychologist and gestalt therapist Oksana Istomina
For many of us, it is very difficult to refuse others, because it can ruin the relationship and cause resentment in the interlocutor.
If you understand that the inability to say no prevents you from living and takes away the time and energy that you could spend on yourself, then you can be supported by the following thesis: “Saying NO to others, we say YES to ourselves“.
Here are four intelligent ways to refuse someone else without causing a storm of unpleasant emotions:
- Reasonable no. Objective: to substantiate and argue. Usually, it is easier for people to accept a refusal and not be offended if they understand that it arose not because of personal hostility, but because of logical and understandable reasons. Example: “I can’t, because no time, no money, I feel bad, etc. ”.
- Diplomatic no. Task: try to encourage the person to solve the issue himself. This method is good for repetitive requests from, for example, your colleagues or children. Example: “Yes, I’m ready to do it for you. But let’s think first and try to find a solution together, how could you do it without my help. ” Or “Yes, I’m ready to do it for you. But let me teach you how to do it, so that henceforth you can do it yourself. “
- Delayed no. Objective: to buy time, not to refuse directly. One of the most subtle ways that helps you to find out whether you want to fulfill the request at all. The delayed response can be applied in many areas of life. Example: “I heard your request, now I cannot give an exact answer, I need to think.” Then you can either answer with a clear refusal. Or, which often happens, the person will no longer remind of the request and the question will go away by itself. As the saying goes, “Do not rush to carry out the order, suddenly it will be canceled.”
- No compromise. Task: to bargain for your own conditions. Apply when you have to do it all the same, but at least with minimal losses and inconveniences for yourself. Example: to the request “Can you take me to the store tomorrow ?, you can answer” I can, but not tomorrow, but on Tuesday. “
How to properly refuse people – 3 techniques from psychologist Irina Ilyina
The good news is that it really is a skill.
The most important thing is to decide for myself, do I really want to learn this?
Answer your questions:
- What scares me?
- How do I feel when I want to say no?
- What are the sensations in the body?
The main thing here is to act without sudden movements:
- We begin to answer “no” with little things. Start “training” with people with whom you have good relationships, gradually increasing the “cost” of rejection. For example, to the question “let’s see a movie?” you can answer in different ways: – no, I don’t want (I don’t want to at all) – no, later (I don’t want to at the moment) – no, I want to take a walk, will you come with me? (I want something different now) During “training” it is important to say “no” when you really do not want something!
- When you are asked about something, take a break, do not rush to answer. Ask yourself: Do I want to? I can? Do I have the strength, time, etc.?
- When you want to say no, but you are uncomfortable, you can answer: “I need to think,” “I need to discuss this with someone,” “I will answer you a little later.”
No, you can say in different ways. Many people think that by saying “no” they will offend a person. It also happens. However, behind this often comes respect – people for you and your respect for yourself. And in general, to refuse a person is not equal to offending. This can be done in different phrases, for example:
- I cannot help you with this;
- I really would like to help / I’m sorry, but at the moment I cannot;
- I can’t now, but the time will appear in an hour, will it work?
The only true path is personal feelings. It is important to focus on yourself in life, and in order for a dialogue with yourself to appear, you need to learn to listen and hear your inner voice.
Have you ever had to refuse people? Share with us in the comments!
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