A story that, alas, is not uncommon: a flash meeting, romantic passion, a wedding, the birth of a child, and suddenly … “something happened.” It seems that nothing special happened, and feelings were lost somewhere over several years of marriage. And the man, it seems, is the same – with the same advantages and disadvantages, but here … he is not attracted to him anymore, as before. There is no feeling of lack of air when he leaves, and there is no feeling of overwhelming joy when he returns home. Where do feelings go after the wedding, and how to open a second wind for your love?
COLADY will tell you how to return love to the relationship of the spouses. But first things first.
Why feelings for my husband disappeared – we understand the reasons
Before thinking – to return or not to return feelings to her husband, you need to figure out why and at what stage of life they disappeared. Reasons why love falls asleep (dies), do not change at all times:
- Youthful maximalism (“I’d better not meet anyone!”) And gradual “inspiration” after the wedding – “I think I bet on the wrong horse.”
- Marriage as a forced necessity due to pregnancy, and not mutual desire.
- Early marriage.
- “The fire went out because no one threw wood”… Family life has become just a habit. Desires to give in, to please, to surprise are a thing of the past. In the present – a routine without a hint of a spark between them.
- Accumulated grievances. He did not help with the child, he only thinks about work, he has not given me flowers for a long time, he does not protect me from his mother, etc.
- Cheating husband that cannot be forgiven and forgotten.
- Missing male attraction (and male consistency).
- The husband does not want to have children.
- The husband fell under the influence of the “green serpent”.
- Loss of understanding or trust.
Instructions on how to return feelings to your husband – we find family happiness again
Of course, if something out of the ordinary happened in the family, which cannot be forgiven or justified, it will be extremely difficult to glue such a family boat. Resurrecting feelings for a traitor, a cheater or an alcoholic is a fantasy task. Although, it is worth noting that many families successfully overcome difficulties and, having shaken up the relationship, start from scratch. But what if even the thought of divorce seems blasphemous, and the real old feelings for her husband are sorely lacking?
- For starters, do not make hasty decisions and don’t jump to conclusions like “Love is dead!” True love is not a hobby, it is built for many years and, even falling asleep for a while, can still “rise from the ashes.”
- Every family has periods of mutual alienation. Everybody goes through it. The so-called test of strength – time, difficulties, clashes of character, the birth of children, etc. Such periods usually fall on the 2nd year of family life and after the “five years”. After 5-6 years of family life, the spouses usually “rub in” to each other, and all disagreements and misunderstandings remain in the past. If nothing extraordinary happens, then such a union – until old age.
- Understand yourself. What are you missing? What went wrong and since when? Until you figure out the reason, it will be difficult to change the situation.
- If Your spouse’s habits, which seemed cute, suddenly become annoying – it’s not his fault, but your new perception of reality. It was not he who “lost his masculinity,” but you stopped seeing her. Maybe you’re just not giving him a chance to prove himself?
- Accept for yourself the fact that your depression and feeling of “boss, it’s all gone!” will pass soon. This is a temporary phenomenon and a natural stage in the development of relations. The law of nature is a “roller coaster” from passion to indifference, from irritation to a sharp attack of hunger for love. One day the realization will come to you that next to your husband you are comfortable, calm and do not need anything else.
- It is a huge mistake to live separately after an argument or to “test your feelings.” In this case, misunderstandings remain an unresolved issue. Either it will sweep away the remnants of your feelings with an avalanche, or it will simply melt away without a trace along with love. Remember that on the physical level, feelings (without “feeding” and development) begin to wither away after 3 months of separation (the law of nature). The fear of losing each other disappears with separation. But there is a habit – to live without everyday problems, quarrels and “someone else’s” opinion.
- If your feelings are oppressed by routine and monotony, think about how to change the situation? Family traditions are great, but family “rituals” often become “an overwhelming suitcase” that you just want to throw out of the balcony: the usual sex after midnight to the TV show, the usual scrambled eggs in the morning, from work – to the stove, “buy crackers for beer, dear , football today ”, etc. Tired? Change your life. Life is built from little things, and it depends only on you – whether they will bring pleasure or poison your existence. Stop drinking tea and sandwiches at home in the morning – grab your husband by the arm and go to have breakfast in a cafe. Do not wait for the nightly fulfillment of your marital duty, like hard labor – remember what and where you got up to before the wedding. Take “sick leave” and rent a hotel room. In short, give up old habits and live in a new way. Every day of my life.
- Do not forget that your husband is a dear person to you. And you can even talk to him. And most likely, he will understand you and together with you will try to change life for the better… Don’t miss the opportunity for dialogue. Talk about what you want to change, what colors are missing in your family life, exactly how you want to drink coffee, go to bed, make love, relax, etc. Do not complain that you feel bad with him – talk about what you need to feel good.
- Hasn’t given flowers for a long time? Doesn’t confess your love? Doesn’t pat on the head when he walks by? Won’t you call again from work to tell you that you are bored? First, this is normal for people who have lived together for a long time. This does not mean that the feelings have faded away – it is just that the relationship has moved to another level. And secondly, how long have you called him yourself to say that you missed him? When was the last time you made pleasant surprises? When did they even dress at home only for him, the beloved?
- Throw everything – work, friends, embroidery courses, and dogs and children – to grandma’s dacha for 2-3 weeks. Book a tour where you can shake up your senses in full. Not just lying on the beach and grumpy shrimp under a glass of wine, but so that your heart sank with delight, your knees trembled, and happiness covered you headlong when you hold your husband’s hand. Shake the routine off yourself and your family. The time has come – to remember what happiness is.
- Change everything! Without novelty, life is boring and insipid. And boredom kills feelings. Change furniture and menus for a week, change the way to work, mode of transport, hairstyle, image, handbags, hobbies and even, if necessary, work. By the way, it is often work that becomes the “red button”: fatigue and dissatisfaction with work is projected onto family life, and it seems that “everything is bad”. In general, change yourself!
- Looking at your husband at home and looking at your husband outside are “two big differences.” A man who goes “into the light” changes before our eyes, awakening all forgotten feelings. This is no longer a good old husband in sweatpants on a sofa with a cup of tea and a sack of gingerbread, but a man who is “still wow”, on whom the girls turn around, who smells excitingly of expensive perfume, and when he looks at whom there is a feeling of pride – ” He’s mine”. Therefore, quit your home tea-drinking near the TV and get into the habit – spending evenings with your spouse is extraordinary. To be remembered. Fortunately, there are a lot of options.
- Find a hobby for two. Something that both of you get excited about – fishing, sailing, go-karting, dancing, photography, cinema, swimming, and more.
- Take a trip. If, of course, the children can already be left alone or with their grandmothers. By car or by “tourists”, together, having laid an interesting route in advance.
- Already resigned to the loss of feelings for your spouse? And you continue to live by inertia, feeling sorry for yourself and harassing your spouse with your sour face? Maybe you are just comfortable in a state of eternal blues? There are also such people. Which is good only when everything is bad. Then life becomes more interesting, and even melancholy poems are written at night. If you are one of these “creative” people – look for another reason for suffering. Otherwise, this game of “where did love go?”
Commentary by psychologist Sergei Musin
Love passed by …
I’ll start with the good news. If love goes away, goes away, then it was. Feelings disappear, as a rule, for one reason. You stopped listening, hearing and understanding the man with whom you seemed ready to live happily ever after. By the way, he also forgot how to do it. Bottom line: everyone has their own world, their own interests, joys and sorrows. I want it like before. And this is real, if you go through a few quite simple steps.
How to return feelings to your husband – instructions for wives:
- And how is it, “as before”? What happened when love was near? What events, actions of your loved one and yours filled every day with love? Take a piece of paper, divide it into three parts – I, OH. WE and in each column write what you did, what he did, and what you are together, and it was wonderful. Minimum 7 examples. Now you know for sure that Love is what you do for each other.
- It would be nice for your man to suggest filling out the same plate. Agree, great. This means that he, like you, dreams of returning the relationship in which you were his Princess, and he is your Knight and protector. Compare what matched? What surprised you? It may turn out that for him Love is when you, in the evening, were sitting in a nearby cafe, and you treated him to a piece of tiramisu from your dessert. You have already forgotten … but he remembers. For him, this is love.
- Exchange the pieces of paper. Now you have a cheat sheet for what you can do for him so that trust, understanding and love will return to the relationship. He also has your desires, dreams.
- At least once a week, fulfill one of your partner’s wishes. Treat this not as a duty, but as an opportunity to bring love back into a relationship. Agree, the result is worth it.
- Notice the reciprocal steps. They may not be perfect. But, he is trying. It means that next time everything will be better. To support, thank, suggest – this is exactly what the Princesses do. For this, the Knights are ready to perform feats.
- Find, together, three events from the column WE and let them become a part of your life again. Love is always WE. Common interests, desires, goals. Even if the goal is to sit in the evening with popcorn in front of the TV and watch your favorite movie. Love doesn’t go away instantly. And it doesn’t return in a minute. In small but very important steps.
And the most important thing: answer your question – can you live without your husband? Imagine that you split up. Forever. Can you? If the answer is no, then you need to rest and change your environment. Chances are, you are just tired and see everything in black, including your relationship. Well, if the answer is “yes”, then, apparently, your family boat is no longer subject to repair. Because true love doesn’t even involve the thought of parting.
Have you ever had to restore love for your husband? Share with us in the comments!
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