I love my husband and lover – what to do? Psychologist’s opinion

“A woman should never choose a lover without the consent of her heart, and a husband – without the consent of reason.” (Ninon de Lanclos)

Love comes and goes, changes, disappears, making you suffer if you do not maintain this feeling and do not care about it. Love requires constant attention, and as soon as you are distracted for a long time, it can disappear.

The issue of relationships and inner drama is not easy, but solvable. Psychologist and head of the dating club “Classics of Relations” Olga Romaniv told what to do if you love both your husband and your lover.

Don’t dramatize

“Even in the theater after the drama, they give something funny … but in life it is even more necessary …” (Maxim Gorky)

love triangle

This situation is very common. Each case is considered individually. The main thing not to do is to make a drama.

The problem we face in our society is that we are not properly educated about love. We constantly get acquainted with the culture of Hollywood cinema and Cartoons, where it seems that for the rest of their lives couples hold on to each other, they are surrounded by rainbows, light and love.

We are not really taught the fact that all relationships will have ups and downs, and love is not something that magically persists on its own. Unfortunately, many people are faced with the painful realization that the love between them and their other half has faded.

Like anything of value, love between two people must be maintained and cared for. This means that love must be cherished in order to keep it alive. Who among you could not do this – you or your husband? The reason for cheating is the main factor from which you will move on.

Practical example

More than 5 years ago one girl came to me. She complained that she loved two men and did not know whom to choose. The search for an answer led her to a dead end, from which, in her opinion, only a specialist could help her.

psychologist consultation

A young woman (under 40) who, it would seem, should have a happy family life. The husband is a good family man, he is going up the career ladder, they studied at the University together, completed one course together.

They have been married for 9 years: thoughts about children, a joint budget, rest, trips to Auchan on weekends. Everything is “like everyone else.” The girl, let’s call her Anna, got a new job, had an affair with a colleague from another department, who was simultaneously building her own business. He was three years younger than her, was persistent and hot.

Anna just got tired of “like everyone else.” Traveling in the evening Moscow in a car with her beloved man, when her husband is late at work, gave her so many positive emotions that even alone with her husband, in the same bed with him, she remembered her lover.

But during the conversation, Anna insisted that she really loved her husband. This breath of fresh air is what makes her change and deceive. Anna did not really love her lover. These are emotions, outbursts that have not existed for so long. It is they who make you develop a strong feeling, which is very easy to confuse with love. When you have such an emotional swing – think about whether it is similar to unconditional love? After years of living with a lover, if he himself does not turn into a hard worker and a family man, you will want stability.

We worked with Anna on her true values, priorities, desires. Soon she realized that she just needed to work on her relationship with her husband: arrange romantic evenings, diversify her intimate life, add a little peppercorn as a provocation to jealousy. A month later, Anna left her colleague and went on a romantic trip with her husband. She sent me a photo and wrote that everything is fine with them.

How to restore a marriage after betrayal

“Betrayal is such a strange thing. You will never understand the reason why it was done. “ (Simon Sebag-Montefiore)


It is difficult to restore a marriage destroyed by betrayal. Be prepared to spend hours consulting with a marriage counselor. You need to find the root of the problems that led to this choice and give your husband a chance to deal with his feelings about it.

It may also be wise to try personal counseling to find out what led you to infidelity and what made you show feelings for the other person. Be aware that your husband may not trust you for a long time. You will have to give him a discount and demonstrate your value.

Expect him to spy on your internet activity, ask you to show your phone, or even spy on you throughout the day. He may be uncomfortable when you invite male friends and may not want you to see them in private. While this behavior often seems depressing and unhealthy, in this situation it is normal and justifiable.

If the husband is an abuser

“Until one day you discover that you are no longer you. You are the person he would like to see next to him. And you think: how nice it would be never to meet him. And the only way out for you is to run. ” (Sheila O’Flanagan “The Lost Wife”)


There is another side of the situation when the husband, in truth, deserves to be alone with his own problems. When there is a place for abuse, psychological and physical abuse in a marriage, it is not surprising that a woman finds a lover.

Perhaps you do not even notice a bad attitude towards you, a lack of affection, attention, constant reproaches, and so on, because this has become part of your normal life. Now you call it love. Love for her husband. Is it worth keeping this marriage? Definitely not.

But it can be very difficult to consider such a motive in oneself, many women continue to blame themselves, attributing to themselves lightheadedness, because they fell in love with another person. One question will help to understand this issue – what does my lover give, what cannot my husband give me? Is it affection, tenderness, admiration, care? Or vivid emotions, surprise, intimacy? If the answer to the question is more related to the first option, do not cling to the relationship with your husband.

Be happy!

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