Emotional blackmail of friends is a very common phenomenon. Taking advantage of our weakness, gullibility and love, sometimes people close to us (more often – unconsciously) “cross the line”. And, tormented by remorse, we follow the lead of the “blackmailers”, sometimes not even realizing that we are simply being manipulated.
When is it time to say no?
The content of the article:
The main types of manipulation in friendship – how to understand that a friend is trying to control me?
Our friends are not born manipulators. We ourselves allow them to become so.
And we begin to feel that we are being manipulated or openly used, unfortunately, only when the only solution is a complete break in relations.
Why is this happening?
Why are we being manipulated?
- We don’t know how to say no.
- We pay too much attention to the opinions of others.
- We are afraid of conflict.
- We lack firmness.
- We try to please everyone at once.
Friendship is trust, mutual understanding and mutual assistance. But for some reason, sometimes insincerity appears in her, and a worm of doubt begins to gnaw you from the inside – something is wrong.
How do you know if your friend is really manipulating you?
- She often takes you “weak”.
- She never does anything disinterestedly – just like that, for you, without giving.
- Even for a spoken phrase, she always expects reciprocity or gratitude.
- She is always there when she is bad, and she is never there when you feel bad.
- After nostalgic stories and lyrical digressions on the topic “do you remember …”, there is always some kind of request to you.
- You realize that you cannot trust her 100%.
- You often swallow the resentment, but do not show it.
- She regularly reminds you that you are the greatest friend.
- She plays on your guilt.
Of course, helping friends is our sacred duty. Who else, if not a friend, will substitute his shoulder at the right moment, put a pillow, throw up money and give an opportunity to cry?
Anyone but a manipulator friend.
If you feel devastated after talking with a friend and squeezed out like a lemon, if you are offended that your problems again do not bother anyone, and a whole bowl of absurd moaning has been splashed on you, if you feel that you want to reset her number on the phone, it means that something is not so “in the Danish kingdom”.
And it’s not that your friend is too envious, too arrogant or too bitch. It’s just that you are too soft and allow you to “ride on yourself.”
What are the types of manipulators?
- The owner. In this case, a friend simply directs your whole life, gives orders and assignments, and gets great pleasure from power over you. You are afraid to disobey her, because “she is a friend and wants only the best.” You are forced to follow her insistent advice, otherwise “she will be offended.” And in general, she is an authority, and you are so.
- “Orphan”. A type of manipulator-friend who is distinguished by a very sharp mind, cunning and self-love. She constantly presses on pity, extracting any help from you. He may come / call in the middle of the night with another problem, bellow you for a week or two at your expense out of unhappy love, or impudently ask for your dacha, because “you urgently need to escape from the city, and you are the only person who will understand, listen and will help”. Or throw your work, children, relatives, etc. on you, in order to gallop away “on urgent matters.” And so on. Such people never change. They are just themselves (and, alas, others too) vampires, and they cannot imagine life without whining. This is their comfort zone.
- Aggressor. This manipulator controls you with a “tough hand”, not disdaining to be rude, crush, occasionally humiliate, etc. It is impossible to answer “in the same spirit” because of fear. What if he answers? What if he will take revenge? Or at all – and suddenly right? Such manipulators are the hardest.
- Good man. Perhaps the most common type of manipulators that we meet among friends and relatives, and in general in life very often. Such people really manipulate us from the heart, naively believing that for us “it will be better.” But in fact, they tightly bind us hand and foot with phrases like “I did so much for you”, “How can you do it after all,” “You don’t need this, I know you like no one else”, etc.
- Arrogant and cunning. These manipulators are just using us. Without a twinge of conscience. Not disdaining anything, playing on our weaknesses, like swindler traders.
How to behave with a manipulative friend – learning to counter-manipulate!
Even if you were able to “see through” your manipulator, this does not save you from his influence.
That is, we need to take action.
Or not accept (that’s how anyone likes it).
If, nevertheless, you decide that it is time to put the “torturer” in place – learn the methods of counter-manipulation!
- Do not get carried away by intimate conversations with the manipulator and in general, lay out less about yourself that is personal, hidden in the depths of your soul. Otherwise, one day everything you say will be used against you.
- Don’t try to be good to everyone. This is simply not possible. You can’t please everyone.
- Learn to say no and give up what you don’t like. Pressing too hard on you? Speak to her directly! Does he want to throw his kids on you again in order to “run away to the clinic” for the 10th time in a month? Let him look for a nanny, you also have things to do. Don’t let it sit on your neck! Usually no one can be driven out of there afterwards.
- Do not be afraid to offend and hurt your manipulative friend with your refusal! Think about your comfort, not the feelings of the person who allows himself to use you.
- Do not threaten, do not be rude, do not insult: be as polite and tactful as possible, but confident and firm in your refusal. Don’t even get a chance to convince you, but do it gently. In general, be diplomatic.
- Never answer important questions straight away. Be sure to take a “think” pause.
- Understand yourself. Perhaps you are just misbehaving and are following your friend’s lead.
- Learn to make your own choices. Only you have the right to decide where, in what and with whom you go, how to eat and sing, etc.
- Don’t try to save everyone. You still won’t become Mother Teresa (you need to devote your life to this). Of course, becoming a soulless bitch is also not an option, but learn to balance your comfort with helping other people. Help to the best of your strength, capabilities and, of course, desires.
- Never make excuses. Be calm like a boa constrictor in every phrase and every action.
- Don’t let the manipulator lie to you. Immediately see through and expose lies and falsehood.
- Smile and wave! The tactics are simple: Agree and nod, but do it your way. Over time, the manipulator will understand that it will not work on you.
- Be able to “jump off topic”… Learn from the same manipulators. If you do not like the topic of the conversation, pretend that you did not understand, and immediately run away “to the meeting” (to the clinic, to the hungry dog, etc.), promising to think about it and figure it out. Or just translate the topic – brazenly and defiantly.
Of course, if you are ready to fight back, then get ready to hang labels. Now you will be selfish, mischievous, etc. for your girlfriend.
And you will cease to be perfect.
But then you will have self-respect and self-esteem.
This is your life, and your freedom, and only you can decide how to use them.
Manipulator child – how to educate a manipulator and what to expect?
My friend commands and controls me – is it friendship at all?
Can manipulation be harmless?
Probably, if the actions of a friend do not seriously harm your personal comfort.
If you are able to change the situation and “re-educate” your friend without prejudice to your friendship, it certainly makes sense to keep it.
But usually, as life shows, manipulators – these are people for whom we are not important, but what they can get from us.
Does it make sense to have friends who allow themselves to be used? Who are there only when they need us?
And who are never there when we need them …
Have you had similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!
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