Is divorce really that bad? How to get through this test with dignity? Is it worth it to quickly enter into new relationships and marriage after divorce? How can this affect the child? In this article, the Indian sage and yogi Sadhguru will answer the 3 most popular divorce questions.
Reasons for divorce
Question 1: When marriage turns into a battlefield, isn’t it better to get a divorce?
Sadhguru: If we could live in constant peace and harmony with another person, then the question of divorce would not arise. You are not in conflict with a stranger on the street, you are in conflict with someone you once thought was the best person in the world. Your battle is not because a person suddenly becomes bad.
The fact is that as we develop, changes occur, and we do not want to put up with them. Two people develop differently, and that’s okay. We don’t have to be the same to stay together. We don’t have to love the same things, feel the same, or do everything together. People can be different and still be a couple. You are wrong if you think your partner needs to be like you for your relationship to work. No two people are alike anywhere in the world.
There is nothing wrong with the fact that two people are completely different. In the end, you united as a family for the purpose of happiness and well-being. However, what is now passed off as love is usually a scheme of mutual benefit. You have needs, the other person has needs, and here you are together to fulfill those needs. The moment your need is not met the way you want it, problems begin. You want to get the best out of your partner, and your partner wants to get the best out of you. And this is a battle, not love.
Read also: “I divorced my husband, but I was able to remain happy!” – 5 life rules for a divorced woman from a psychologist
What is divorce?
Question 2: I’m going through a divorce right now, and it seems to me that part of me is dying. How can I handle this with dignity?
Sadhguru: Divorce is a voluntary death… You have decided to kill something that is in some way a part of you. When you got married, you agreed to be one. Divorce means that you are trying to erase that memory, and it will not be easy. But at the same time, the very fact that you decided to divorce means that you still want to end this memory.
For some reason, you gradually began to perceive your spouse as baggage that you no longer want to carry with you. You want to leave this baggage, but you find that it sticks to you anyway. And if you try to pull it off, you feel pain.
You have accumulated a memory of your partner, and it is not so easy to get rid of it. Even if you are in control and calm enough, you will still feel some level of suffering. The memory of your spouse works in every cell of your body, especially if you’ve lived together long enough. This is not just an emotional and psychological process – it is also very physical.
You are two people who shared your emotions, your body, your feelings and your living space, so divorce is almost like tearing yourself apart. Even if you think you can’t stand your partner anymore, it still hurts simply because you are trying to snatch the memory away.
Also, remember that you are divorcing your spouse, not yourself. Your marriage was based on relationship, partnership, or dependency – everyone has it differently. But you have ceased to feel like a whole person in him. However, you are a self-sufficient person in your own right. You don’t need outside help. If you’ve gotten to divorce, it’s time to look inside yourself.
By the way, many people think that the best way to deal with divorce is to start a new relationship right away. But by doing so, you will provoke even more strife and disorder in your “system.” You must have enough time to process the emotions. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a situation in which it will be extremely difficult to find peace and joy.
Read also: “We divorced a long time ago, but I still feel like his wife.” A touching story of a woman going through a difficult divorce
Impact of remarriage on a child
Question 3: I am divorced and have an eight year old son. Sometimes I feel that I have neither the desire for love, nor the desire to get married again. My son asks all the time why he doesn’t have a father. I’m upset and confused.
Sadhguru: In the modern world, the birth of a child does not happen automatically after marriage, as in the old days. This is usually planned now. You must understand that when you have a child, this is a project for the next 20 years. If you are not ready for obligations and responsibility, if you do not have confidence, then do not get involved in such a project.
But what if, after a divorce, you are raising a child on your own? Don’t assume that your next marriage will improve his life. This is a wrong idea! If you think that “the biological father does not deal with him, then if I bring another man, then everything will be fine,” you are mistaken. I would say this only works 10% of the time. In the other 90%, this creates more problems than solutions. I’m not asking why you got divorced – it’s your choice. But, having made this choice, you should at least try to be a full-fledged parent for your child.
Please do not cultivate a state of helplessness in your children. How much time does your eight-year-old want to spend with you? He is still busy with his own business, unless you turned him into such a helpless creature that constantly clings to you. Imagine the kids have their own things to do! This is the nature of life. You just need to keep an eye on them so they don’t hurt themselves – that’s all.
Should you get married after divorce? If you want to get married again, it’s up to you. This is also your choice. Don’t pass this decision onto the boy. Raise your son so that he does not need either you or the father. He just needs your support and care, nothing else. Whatever you do, there will always be consequences. If you don’t get married, there will be one kind of consequences. If you marry again, there will be other consequences. And these consequences do not have to be pleasant or unpleasant. It just depends on how you perceive them.
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