To marry an ex-husband – to be or not to be a return marriage?

The concept of “recurrent marriage” can be attributed to repeated marriages, with the only difference that the union is repeated not with a new person, but with a former partner. That is, the restoration of a family that once fell apart is taking place.

Should you marry a former partner if your relationship with him has collapsed in the past? Is it possible to enter twice “into the same river” without destroying the relationship completely? And how to protect the relationship from old mistakes? We deal with psychologists.

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See also: What words and actions cannot be forgiven even for a beloved man?

How to make the right decision – whether to marry your ex-husband? Commentary by Elena Tolkacheva

"I am marrying an ex" - psychologists are discussing whether it is necessary to marry a former partner a second time
Elena Tolkacheva – psychologist, owner of an international dating agency, expert of COLADY magazine

The first time I got married very early. I am 17, he is 20. We got married despite the prohibition of his parents. We were even called Romeo and Juliet. It really was a beautiful and pure love story.

It was necessary to sound the alarm immediately after the wedding, when my husband told me: “Now you will definitely not leave me anywhere.” We were young, emotional, no one taught us to build relationships. We were jealous of each other, cursed, put up and thought that this was the norm. There were many mutual grievances and reproaches. We did not know how to negotiate, did not hear each other. And when our daughter was born, our family life cracked. The man was not ready for a child, and continued to take everything from his youth, including hanging out with friends and betrayal. In addition, there was hyper-control: my husband checked my phone, removed all male names from it, made detailed calls, put a wiretap. And he also humiliated and put his hand (he could do it in public), forbade him to communicate with his friends. I could not stand it and after 5 years of our marriage I packed my things and left.

I thought this would be the end of it. A completely different life began. I realized that I was beautiful, that I could do what I liked and not him. I am free!

But as soon as I started a new relationship, he appeared on the doorstep – my ex-husband. He gave me expensive gifts, begged me to come back. And this swing went on for many years. We converged, dispersed. It seemed to us that we were made for each other. 7 years after the divorce, we got married again. But our next union could not stand even for 2 years. Then I finally realized that I no longer want to live like this and will not, and I left him forever! People do not change.

Yes, most people do not change. That is, if he cheated on you in your first marriage, then, no matter how many times you marry him in the next, history will repeat itself. A womanizer is a chronic and incurable “pathology”. Do you need it?

It’s the same with abusers, gaslighters and other toxic people. If there was an emotional “swing” in the relationship (then everything is good, then it is sharply bad, and so on in a circle), hyper control and inhibitions (“Where are you / with whom?” “Etc.), devaluation and humiliation (” Who needs you besides me? “) And other psychological, physical and financial violence – all this will be in remarriage with the ex.

"I am marrying an ex" - psychologists are discussing whether it is necessary to marry a former partner a second time
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And even if the reason for the divorce was not infidelity and non-toxic relationships, then think about what did not suit you in your marriage with your ex-husband and what became the reason to leave. Moreover, it is better to do this with a cool head, so that under the influence of emotions (“Well, he said he loves me,” “He smells so delicious,” or “We wanted to have a dog / child so badly,” etc.) come face to face with the old “rake”.

When it is still possible to “enter” the same river a second time

  • You are definitely sure that you love each other, and are ready to change for the sake of joint happiness (and both: either the one who is to blame for the divorce, or the one who is ready to accept the other with his shortcomings / mistakes that served the last breakup).
  • You are ready to forgive your spouse for some offense (or more than one), including the one that caused the divorce, and you know for sure that he will never repeat it.
  • If the divorce was due to family reasons of one of the spouses. For example, my mother was ill for some time, and it was necessary to live with her in another city, without seeing her soul mate for a long time.
  • You got divorced in the heat of the moment, by mistake, stupidity: drunk, on an argument (with each other, with friends, etc.), in offense at some insignificant trifle.
  • You close your eyes, imagine that you will share your whole life with this person, and at the same time you do not have pain in your heart from fear and anxiety that something will go wrong, you will be betrayed, or that you will soon get divorced again … On the contrary, you are overwhelmed with bright feelings, new joint plans are already looming in your head in a running line, etc.

What to rely on when making a decision?

"I am marrying an ex" - psychologists are discussing whether it is necessary to marry a former partner a second time
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First of all, on the motive of your desire …

  • Force of habit? Having lived with her husband for 2-3 years (not to mention a long life together), a woman gets used to a certain way of life, to the habits shared with her husband, to his manner of communication, etc. The force of habit pushes many into “time-tested” hugs, often – despite the frayed wings.
  • If the wording of the reason for divorce sounded in the traditional way – “did not get along” – why did you decide that now your characters will definitely converge? If you are completely different people, and you are not able to share your troubles and joys into two, then you are unlikely to succeed in it again. If you, a pathological fan of cleanliness, shivered from scattered socks, crumbs in bed and pasta lids on the sink, then would you have enough strength not to notice these “terrible sins” of your husband in remarriage?
  • If you realize that your spouse is an incorrigible don Juan, and with all the universal love for you, he will continue the list of love victories until old age deprives him of irresistibility, then think – can you walk this path with him? And to remain a wise wife, turning a blind eye to her husband’s “petty intrigues”. Can you, if the first time you couldn’t?
  • I realized that no one in the whole world is better than you! I can not live without you. Forgive and accept your prodigal husband, ”he says, kneeling in front of your door with a bouquet of roses and another ring in a beautiful box. As life shows, half of such return marriages really give a start to new strong relationships. Especially if your relationship was built on deep feelings and was destroyed by the intervention of a third party (another woman, his mother, etc.).

All the pros and cons of a return marriage

Benefits of a recurring marriage:

  • You know each other well, all the habits, disadvantages and advantages, needs, etc.
  • You are able to realistically assess the prospects of your relationship, weighing each step and understanding what will follow.
  • You are able to find an approach to each other.
  • Your children will be happy with the reunion of their parents.
  • The “novelty” effect in a relationship refreshes life together in every sense – you start over with a blank slate.
  • The candy-bouquet period and the wedding give deeper emotions, and the choice itself is more meaningful and sober.
  • You don’t need to get to know each other’s relatives – you already know them all.
  • Understanding the problems that led to the breakup of the first marriage will help in strengthening the second union – it is easier to avoid mistakes if you “know the enemy by sight”.
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Disadvantages of recurrent marriage:

  • If a lot of time has passed since the breakup, your partner may have had time to change significantly. You do not know how and what he lived all this time. And it is quite possible that the one he became will push you away even faster than in your first marriage.
  • A woman, under certain circumstances, tends to idealize her partner. If she is lonely and hard, the children drive her crazy with disobedience, at night she wants to roar into the pillow from despair, and then he appears, almost dear, with a fiery look and the promise “together again and already to the grave,” then sobriety of thoughts dissolves into a relieved exhalation “finally everything will settle down.” An idealized partner, after a week or a month, suddenly forgets about his promises, and the “second circle of hell” begins. The lack of a sober and cold look at the situation when making a decision is fraught with at least new disappointment.
  • The mental wounds received during the first divorce do not go unnoticed. Will you be able to step over them and live without even mentally remembering the pain that they caused you? If not, then this problem will always stand between you.
  • Remarriage will not solve your past problems on its own. You will have to work very hard to correct past mistakes and, of course, prevent new ones.
  • If you dispersed because of his mom (or another relative), remember – mom has not disappeared anywhere. She still can’t stand you, and your husband is still her adored son.
  • His eternally scattered socks, for which you scolded him every night, will not start jumping into the washing machine yourself – you will have to come to terms with his habits and accept him in its entirety with all the minuses / pluses. Re-educating an adult man is useless even in the first marriage. And even more so with the second.
  • If he was a miser and liked to have a drink or two at dinner, don’t expect him to become a generous teetotaler.
  • During the time that has passed since the divorce, both of you are used to living by your own rules – to independently solve problems, make decisions, etc. He is used to walking around the apartment in family shorts in the morning and smoking on an empty stomach; anyone and no one has permission. That is, you will either have to change your habits, or adapt to each other, taking into account all the nuances.
  • It will be difficult to rub against each other again, given the big old “suitcase” of grievances and claims on each side.

I am marrying my ex-husband – how to build happiness in a new way and avoid old mistakes?

"I am marrying an ex" - psychologists are discussing whether it is necessary to marry a former partner a second time
Natalya Maklakova – psychologist, I am engaged in strengthening families

Marrying your ex-husband again is a good option. Perhaps, initially, the couple was in a hurry to divorce, they did not have enough patience, some kind of knowledge, skills to build relationships.

In order for the re-union to become successful, you need to pay attention to important points:

  • What was the reason for the breakup? Sometimes it is associated not only with disagreements in a couple, but also with bad habits, danger to life. I, unfortunately, do not see the author of the question, but at a live meeting I would definitely clarify this point. If the ex-husband drinks alcohol, behaves aggressively, does not work, etc. then it is better not to return until the person recovers, until he is ready to take responsibility for himself and his actions.
  • There must be conversations in the family. Before starting a family, it is important to become good friends, people who trust each other and can talk about anything.
  • It is important to find out if the partners have common values ​​that will allow them to look in the same direction for many years. What will their union be based on? It is very important. If the values ​​in life fundamentally diverge, then repeated disappointment is inevitable.
  • Dealing with the reasons for the breakup is very important. Understand their lessons (what life taught them), admit their mistakes in front of each other. Draw up an action plan to overcome past differences.
  • And, of course, the desire to love is very important! “Love your neighbor as yourself.” You need to respect and love yourself, know your interests, talents, develop them. Also help your partner develop.

In order for family life to be successful, it is important to create your picture every day with love and interest, like an artist. Give up routine, petty quibbles. Let every day be filled with joy – instead of irritation, mutual support – instead of reproaches.

With the right approach, any relationship has a chance to become happy, even if there was a negative experience in the past!

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