A marriage with a man who already has one (or even more) marriage behind him is always the presence of certain difficulties. And there are even more of them if he has children from a former marriage. One way or another, he cannot get away from communicating with his ex-wife. How to build a relationship with her? Is your marriage threatened by his ex-wife? And what if the husband (at will or need) communicates with her quite often? Psychologists will tell you COLADY.
Former wife for husband – who is she?
Before figuring out what to do with his ex-half, you should understand the main thing: the ex-wife is mutual friends, affairs, spiritual connection and common children. This must be realized and accepted as a fact. The development of relations with an already ex-wife for a man usually follows one of several scenarios:
- Ex-wife is just a friend… There is no emotional attachment left, the spouse is completely and completely covered only by you and is free from the past. But divorce for him is not a reason to spoil the relationship with the woman with whom he lived. Therefore, she remains a part of his life. At the same time, it does not threaten your life, even if they have children – of course, only if his ex-wife herself does not have feelings for your spouse.
- Ex-wife as a hidden enemy… She crammed into your friend, often visits you and even more often intersects with your husband – in most cases, in your absence. Her feelings for her husband have not changed, and she is waiting for an opportunity to bring him back – carefully and discreetly turning her ex-spouse against you, interfering in your affairs, demanding regular meetings with her ex-husband under the pretext that “children miss you”.
- The husband is emotionally attached to his ex-spouse.… In this case, it will not work to delete your rival from your family life. The husband will immediately (by actions or words) confront you with the fact that you will have to take your ex-wife for granted. It is not difficult to distinguish this kind of affection – the husband communicates with his ex-wife in a familiar, familiar language even in your presence, gifts from her are always in a conspicuous place, common photographs are not put away in the closet, but are in the album on the shelf.
- Ex-wife is the owner… She is constantly looking for meetings with her husband, she cannot stand you, she is trying with all her might to ruin your life, although she is not going to return her husband. At the same time, the husband loves only you and suffers very much from the need to see his ex-wife – but children are usually not divorced, so he has no choice but to endure the whims of his ex-wife.
The husband communicates, works with his ex-wife, calls, helps her – is this normal?
The thoughts of the “next” wives, as a rule, are similar: is it normal for him to communicate with his ex? When is it time to be alert and take action? What is the best course of action – befriend your rival, maintain neutrality, or even declare war? The latter definitely disappears – it is absolutely useless. But the line of behavior will depend on the actions of the spouse and, directly, his ex. You should be wary and take action if his ex …
- It appears too often in your home.
- Constantly calls his spouse “just to chat.”
- Sets up children and husband (as well as friends, relatives with the ex-husband, etc.) against you.
- It is, in fact, a third party in your new family life. Moreover, he is trying to take an active part in it.
- The lion’s share of your family budget goes to her and their common children.
A also if your husband …
- Spends a lot of time with her ex.
- It sits down on you when you put the question squarely.
- Allows your ex to be rude to you and is rude in her presence.
- He works with his ex-wife and often stays behind after work.
If you feel uncomfortable or feel serious pressure from her side on yourself or on your spouse, then it’s time to build a competent line of behavior. The main thing is not to make mistakes. And what you need to remember – we will show you …
We build the right relationship with the ex-wife of our husband – how to neutralize a rival?
Of course, there are a lot of circumstances in favor of your husband’s ex-wife – they have common children, they loved each other, they know each other perfectly (in all senses, including intimate life), their mutual understanding is from a half-word and half-glance. But this does not mean that his ex-wife should become your enemy. She can also become an ally if their divorce was a mutual decision. Regardless of her behavior, one must remember the main rules of communication with the ex-wife of her husband:
- Do not forbid your spouse to communicate with his ex-wife and even more so with their children… If the spouse feels that the ex-wife is trying to manipulate him, he himself will draw conclusions and decide for himself how and where to meet with the children in order to reduce the degree of stress. A ban on communication will always provoke a protest. And the second reason why the scheme “either me or your ex!” meaningless – it is trust between you and your husband. If you trust him, then there is no point in being jealous and freaking out – in the end, he chose you. And if you do not trust, then you should radically reconsider your relationship with your husband, because without trust, any relationship sooner or later comes to an end.
- Try to build friendships with your husband’s children… Earn their trust. If you can win them over, half of your problem will be solved.
- Never judge your ex-wife in front of your spouse.… This topic is taboo for you. He has the right to say what he wants about her, you have no such right.
- Never discuss his ex-wife with friends, family, and neighbors.… Even if a neighbor tells you that your husband drinks coffee around the corner with his ex in the evenings, and your mother-in-law tells you every evening what an infection her ex-daughter-in-law was, be neutral. The scheme is “smile and wave”. Until you are personally convinced that his ex is spoiling your life, secretly meeting with your husband, etc. – do nothing and do not even allow yourself to think in this direction. And deliberately looking for such reasons is also not worth it. Love yourself calmly, live and enjoy, and all unnecessary things will “fall off” over time (either his ex, or he himself).
- Is his ex-wife provoking you? Calls, tries to “bite” more painfully, demonstrates his superiority, insults? Your task is to be above these “pricks and bites”. Ignore all “vile innuendo”. The husband does not need to talk about it either. Unless, of course, there are serious health threats from the “former” side.
- Is his ex asking for a girlfriend? It is a rare case when two women of the same man become friends. Most likely, her desire is dictated by certain interests. But keep your friend close (as they say), and the enemy even closer. Let her think that you are her friend. And you keep your ears on top and be vigilant.
- In most cases, ex-wives frankly don’t care – with whom their ex-husbands live. Therefore, you should not immediately rush into battle. Of course, there are certain inconveniences, but you can live quite comfortably with them – over time, everything will calm down and fall into place. It’s another matter if his ex is a real Pandora’s box. Here you will have to act according to the circumstances, turning on your wisdom at full power.
- Is his ex threatening you? So it’s time to talk to your husband. Just stock up on evidence, otherwise you will only turn your husband against yourself. Now this is not a problem – video cameras, voice recorders, etc.
And remember the main thing: your husband’s ex-wife is not your competitor. You don’t have to compete with someone who has long been a closed book for your spouse. There is no need to prove to your husband and his ex-wife that you are better than her. If your husband still has feelings for her, you cannot change that. If he wants to live with you all his life, neither his ex-wife nor their common children can interfere with this. Be happy in spite of everything.
How to relate to the ex-wife of her husband – said family psychologist Olesya Shuvalova
In systemic family psychology, there is such a thing as the law of hierarchy. He says that the one who came to the system (family) earlier – has an advantage over the one who came to it later…
Together with the advantage, he also has responsibility, that is, he transfers his care and energy to the younger. For example, parents to children. In return, elders have the right to count on respect and gratitude. This law also considers the position in the family system of the first and subsequent wives and husbands.
After the divorce, the first wife, although she passed into the status of an ex-wife, did not leave the family system. In psychology, a genogram (a schematic representation of a family and the relationship between its members) indicates all former partners, even if their relationship was not formalized.
So how does the new darling relate to her husband’s ex-wife?
- First, with respect. Her husband once chose her, loved her, they both taught each other something. This cannot be removed from life history.
- Secondly, with gratitude. Even if she behaved ugly towards her husband, this is their story. In a couple, only one of the spouses is never to blame. Everyone has invested something of their own. In addition, if she had behaved differently, maybe there would not have been a place for a second wife in the family system? There is no second marriage without the first.
When the second wife throws mud at the first, she harms only herself and her relationship. Well, at least because by doing so she offends her husband, his choice (and if his first choice was so terrible, why is the second one suddenly better?).
When the second wife strives to take the place of the first, it’s like trying to sit in the same chair with her. What for? After all, you can take another chair, and everyone will be comfortable. It is also not necessary to be friends with your husband’s ex-wife. It is enough to accept it as part of his life. Receive with respect.
Do not forbid him to communicate with her about raising children, but at the same time negotiate reasonable rules. Understanding all this, the new darling will be able to build a stable relationship with her husband, instead of arranging for him to compete with his first wife. And to maintain an adequate distance from his ex, communicating with her, if necessary, without hysteria, jealousy and scandals.
4 rules for building relationships with her husband’s ex-wife from psychologist Tatyana Izumrudova
How would a wise woman behave? I offer 4 rules of family psychology that a wise woman should remember when building a relationship with her husband’s ex-wife:
- Do not in any way condemn him for the past choice, especially if there were children in his past marriage. Otherwise, he will develop a hostile attitude towards you.
- Draw conclusions about the reasons for their separation. Ask yourself the question “What did SHE do, as a result of which their marriage broke up and what should I do in order not to repeat this scenario?“.
- Work on your relationship with your husband every day, make them an order of magnitude better than those that he had before you.
- Be kind to your husband’s ex-wife.
How do you feel about the former chosen one of your man? Share with us in the comments!
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