Communicating with children, we we rarely think about the semantic load of our words and the consequences of certain phrases for the child’s psyche. But even quite harmless, at first glance, words can cause significant harm to a child. We figure out what you can’t tell your child …
- “You won’t sleep – babayka (gray wolf, baba-yaga, scary girl, Dzhigurda, etc.) will come!” Never use intimidation tactics. From such intimidation, the baby will learn only the part about the babayka, the rest will simply fly by from fear. This can also include phrases like “If you run away from me, a terrible uncle will grab you (a policeman will arrest you, a witch will take you, etc.). Don’t grow a neurasthenic out of a child. It is necessary to warn the child about the dangers, but not by intimidation, but by detailed explanations – what is dangerous and why.
- “You will not finish the porridge – you will remain small and weak”… A phrase from the same series of horror stories. Look for more humane ways to feed your baby, using tactics that are constructive rather than intimidating. For example, “If you eat porridge, you will become smart and strong like dad.” And do not forget, after this childish feat (the eaten porridge), be sure to weigh the crumbs and measure the growth – for sure, after breakfast he managed to mature and pull himself up.
- “If you grimace (squint your eyes, stick out your tongue, bite your nails, etc.), you will remain so” or “If you pick your nose, your finger will get stuck.” Again, we refuse meaningless exclamations, calmly explain to the kid why you shouldn’t grimace and pick your nose, and then we tell you that “From cultured and obedient kids, real heroes and great people always grow up”. And we show the crumbs a photo of the gallant general, who was also once a little boy, but never picked his nose and loved discipline more than anything else.
- “Who are you so clumsy to!”, “Where do your hands grow from”, “Don’t touch! I’d rather do it myself! “ If you want to educate an independent and self-confident person, throw these phrases out of your vocabulary. Yes, a toddler can break a cup while carrying it to the sink. Yes, he can break a couple of plates from his favorite set while helping you wash the dishes. But he sincerely wants to help his mother, he strives to become an adult and independent. With such phrases you “in the bud” kill his desire, both to help you, and to cope without your help. Not to mention the fact that these words belittle children’s self-esteem – then you should not be surprised that the baby grows apathetic, is afraid of society, and at his 8-9 years old you still tie his shoelaces and take him to the toilet.
- “Your brother has done all his homework a long time ago, but you’re still sitting”, “Everybody’s children are like children, and you…”, “Neighborhood Vanka has already brought his tenth letter from school, and you have only two marks”. Never compare your child with any siblings, peers, or anyone else. In the parents, the child should see support and love, and not reproaches and belittling of his dignity. Such a “comparison” will by no means push the child to take new heights. On the contrary, the kid can withdraw into himself, lose faith in your love and even “take revenge on the neighbor Vanka” for his “ideality”.
- “You are my most beautiful, best of all!” etc. Excessive praise obscures the child’s adequate assessment reality. The frustration that a child will experience when he realizes that he is by no means unique can seriously harm the psyche. No one, except her mother, will treat the girl as a “star”, which is why the latter will seek recognition of her “stardom” by all means. As a result, conflicts with peers, etc. Bring up the ability to adequately assess yourself and your strengths. Praise, but not overestimate. And your approval should relate to the act of the baby, and not to his personality. Not “Your craft is the best”, but “You’ve got a wonderful craft, but you can make it even better.” Not “You are the most beautiful”, but “This dress suits you very much.”
- “No computer until you finish the lessons”, “No cartoons until all the porridge is eaten,” etc. The tactic is “you to me, I to you”. This tactic will never bear fruit. More precisely, it will bring, but not the ones you expect. Ultimate “barter” will eventually turn against you: “do you want me to do my homework? Let me go outside. ” Don’t be whimsical with this tactic. Do not teach your baby to “bargain”. There are rules and the child must follow them. While he is small – be persistent and get your way. Doesn’t want to clean up? Think of a game before bed – who will put away toys faster. So you and the baby will involve in the cleaning process, and teach him to clean things every evening, and avoid ultimatums.
- “I’m not going anywhere with such a mess,” “I don’t love you like that,” etc. Mom’s love is an unshakable phenomenon. There can be no “if” conditions for it. Mom loves everything. Always, at any moment, anyone – dirty, sick, disobedient. Conditional love undermines the child’s confidence in the truth of that love. In addition to resentment and fear (that they will stop loving, abandon, etc.), such a phrase will bring nothing. Mom is a guarantee of protection, love and support in any situation. And not a seller in the market – “if you are good, I will love you.”
- “We generally wanted a boy, but you were born,” “And why did I just give birth to you,” etc. It is a catastrophic mistake to say that to your child. The whole world that the child knows collapses for him at this moment. Even a phrase said simply “aside”, by which you did not mean “nothing like that,” can cause serious mental trauma to the baby.
- “If not for you, I would have already worked at a prestigious job (I drove a Mercedes, vacationed on the islands, etc.)… Never load your child with your unfulfilled dreams or unfinished business – the child is not to blame. Such words will hang over the child with responsibility and a sense of guilt for your “disappointed hopes.”
- “Because I said so!”, “Do what you were told!”, “I don’t care what you want there!”. This is a tough ultimatum that any child will have only one desire – to protest. Look for other ways of persuasion and do not forget to explain why the child should do this or that. Do not seek to subordinate the child to your will so that he, like an obedient soldier, obeys you in everything without question. First, absolutely obedient children simply do not exist. Secondly, you should not impose your will on him – let him develop as an independent person, have his own point of view and know how to defend his position.
- “I have a headache from your screams”, “Stop terrorizing me, I have a weak heart”, “My health is not official!”, “Do you have a spare mom?” etc. If something really happens to you, then the feeling of guilt will haunt the child all his life. Look for reasonable arguments to “end the mess” of your baby. You can’t scream because a baby is sleeping in the next apartment. You can’t play football in the apartment in the evening, because old people live below. You can’t roller-skate on the new floor, because dad spent a lot of time and effort to lay these floors.
- “So that I don’t see you again!”, “Hide out of sight!”, “Let you fail,” etc. The consequences of such mother’s words can be disastrous. If you feel that your nerves are at the limit – go to another room, but never allow yourself such phrases.
- “Yes, on, on, just leave me alone.” Of course, you can understand mom. When a child has been moaning for the third hour in a row “well, mom, come on,” – the nerves give up. But by giving up, you open up “new horizons” for your baby – you can “break” your mother with whims and whining.
- “Once again I will hear such a word – I will deprive the TV”, “I will see this at least once – you will not get a phone again”, etc. There is no point in these phrases if you do not keep your word. The child will simply stop taking your threats seriously. The kid must clearly understand that violation of certain rules always follows a certain punishment.
- “Shut up, I said!”, “Shut your mouth”, “Quickly sat down”, “Get your hands off!” etc. The child is not your dog, which you can give a command, put on a muzzle and put on a chain. This is a person who also needs to be respected. The consequence of such upbringing is an equal attitude towards you in the future. At your request “to come home early” you will one day hear – “leave me alone”, and at the request “bring some water” – “you will take it yourself.” Rudeness will return rudeness in the square.
- “Ay, I found something to be upset about!”, “Stop suffering because of nonsense.” What is nonsense for you, for a child, is a real tragedy. Think back to yourself as a child. By brushing off such a phrase from a child, you demonstrate your disregard for his problems.
- “No money! I will not buy. “ Of course, this phrase is the easiest way to “buy off” the baby in the store. But from these words, the child will not understand that the 20th machine is superfluous, and the 5th chocolate bar in a day will lead him to the dentist. The child will only understand that mom and dad are two practically poor people who never have money for anything. And if there was money, then they would buy the 20th machine and the 5th chocolate bar. And from here begins the envy of the children of more “successful” parents, etc. Be reasonable – do not be lazy to explain and tell the truth.
- “Stop composing!”, “There are no monsters here!”, “What nonsense are you talking about,” etc. If a child has shared his fears with you (babayka in the closet, shadows on the ceiling), then with such a phrase you will not only not calm the child, but also undermine self-confidence. Then the child will simply not share his experiences with you, because “the mother will still not believe, understand, and will not help.” Not to mention the fact that “untreated” childhood fears pass with the child throughout life, turning into phobias.
- “What a bad boy you are!”, “Fu, what a bad child”, “Oh, you dirty!”“And so on. Condemnation is the worst method of education. Avoid judgmental words even in a fit of anger.
Have you had similar situations in your family life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!
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