How not to lose yourself after the birth of children – advice from a psychologist
For a long time it seemed to me that the decree was about rest. What’s so special about it? I fed the child, put the pacifier in my mouth, gave the toy in my hands and sleep, rest. I even had thoughts not to go on maternity leave at all. There are grandmothers, there are nannies, at worst. And I am in business, worries more serious, I have a career.
However, as soon as this little bundle of happiness falls into your hands, all your doubts immediately disappear. Mom is always there – a diagnosis that is difficult to accept until you yourself find yourself in the trap of motherhood. Perhaps, such a comparison will seem inappropriate to someone, but I will reveal its essence: you merge so much with the child and his needs that you stop taking into account your own, up to the vital ones: sleep, go to the toilet, wash and even eat.
It would seem that you are at home, free, there is no boss and time pressure on developing a plan, but, in fact, you overfulfill it all the time to the detriment of yourself. I conventionally called this stage “enslavement”, followed by “zeroing”.
Zeroing is about how your masterfully built career is crumbling, and your colleagues are using it successfully, gaining not only experience, but also grabbing your laurels. You lose your old grip, no longer keep your finger on the pulse, crawl to bed and sleep off – this is no longer about a sleepless party, but an everyday reality. You look less and less in the reflection of the mirror, because there you will find a not very pleasant surprise in the form of extra pounds, regular wrinkles on your face and tangles in a bundle.
Am I exaggerating a little? Maybe. One way or another, this stage is important to accept, otherwise disappointment is inevitable.
Not every job is compatible with a child, even if you manage to place him in a kindergarten on time. And here the most interesting thing begins – the thirst for self-realization awakens in you. As a rule, this thirst coincides with the next round of a child’s crisis. The child resists any of your attempts to regain their legal rights to themselves. This stage of the struggle is the real October Revolution. Could it be possible to do without it, somehow differently? How to find yourself on maternity leave – to find and not to lose?
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Prepare the sleigh from the summer
The first thing to start with is planning. It is better to prepare well before childbirth, and not so much for childbirth as for its consequences. The consequence of childbirth – the collapse of your previous life – it is better to burn off in advance, so that later there will be no illusions. A child under three years old needs a mother, her constant attention. The task of this period is to nourish with love. And if you have other plans for maternity leave, consider those significant adults who could replace you during your absence. Gadgets and cartoons are not an option, as they lead children to digital addiction and digital autism.
What is a Significant Adult? An adult who cares about your child’s needs. It could be a nanny, but don’t forget about attachment theory.
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What if it’s too late to drink Borjomi?
Let’s try it differently. The decree is the time to “pull up your tails”, the very one that no one gives in life, and you have such an opportunity. Three whole years to sort through the deposits of childhood traumas and a heap of tangled relationships. Fearfully? But priceless. Especially when you consider that all this unprocessed mess of attitudes will be inherited by your children.
If you want peace, prepare for war! We all want a better life for our children, but we often interpret it our own way. Standard package: buy the best things, get a job in the best institution, give the best education. Better than we used to be. If you relax in time and allow yourself to take care of yourself, and not just children, there is a chance to actually give them the most valuable thing – an example to follow and the right to self-determination, the right to be themselves.
What could be better than finding yourself, your true purpose, what the soul lies with and what the body is in tune with? It’s not always about what’s trendy. Everyone has his own path. As a rule, by accepting yourself as the present through analysis of the past, you can truly change the future. Psychology is not the only way, but an accessible and proven one.
Yourself with a mustache
The “I know how” attitude helps, especially if you really know what is best for you and your children, without feeling any remorse. Otherwise, it is advisable to understand yourself and your cockroaches in time, since they are contagious, as noted above.
In our culture, it is not customary to ask for help because it is embarrassing and uncomfortable. Another attitude of the remnants of the Soviet period. In any similar situation, the main thing is to allow yourself in time: you can ask for help, it’s not a shame. By helping myself, I am helping others. The boomerang of goodness is back, but the main thing is to launch it.
Survival rules in decree
How to find and not lose yourself on maternity leave?
- First rule – taking care of yourself. Sounds simple, it doesn’t come right away.
- Second rule – there is no strength and energy, delegate the duties of your wife, housewife and mother in time. This is your safety mask for airplane depressurization called “life”.
- Third rule – you cannot find yourself, do not copy others. You will waste the time of your life, you will waste a lot of energy and strength, they are more important for the family.
- Rule four – humility and peace. To accept the hopelessness of the situation is the very “here and now” that yogis strive for. Yes, children are small, with them not everything is possible, compatible and achievable. And also children grow up too quickly, and this time cannot be returned. What’s more valuable is up to you.
- The fifth rule – to find yourself, you have to lose. Decree is the perfect time. Take it and get lost. Let others look, and you get high. The main rule of getting high on maternity leave is to work with your inner child: stuck a whiner in a closet and allow yourself to fool around with your children. Cockroaches will not scatter, but the nerves will remain in place.
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