Many parents doubt the correctness of their child’s upbringing. The main doubt, of course, always concerns the use of punishments. The conversation is not at all about a belt and whipping, but about punishments in general – such as cornering, deprivation of a computer or personal money.
Is it possible to raise a happy and obedient child without resorting to punishment? NEED TO! COLADY psychologists will tell you how.
How punishment works
Punishment is an additional motivator that limits the child in some kind of action. But the child should not be afraid of punishment, but of the natural consequences of his actions. Punishing, we teach him to avoid reprisals, lie, dodge. Natural consequences are inevitable. Better to focus on them. I didn’t put the toys away – I didn’t find my favorite soldier. This is the punishment!
Should a child be punished for disobedience? Is it possible to do without punishment?
A parent who voluntarily chose this path faces many difficulties. But it should be understood that the absence of punishment is not at all permissiveness. This method of upbringing does not deprive a person of the rules and norms of behavior, and does not at all mean that if the toddler hits his neighbor in the sandbox, he will be patted on the head for this.
Why it is impossible to punish children – said child psychologist Sergei Korotkov
Punishment has always been considered an integral part of the upbringing of children. Many parents are convinced that if the child is not punished, then it is impossible to form adequate behavior in him. At the same time, it is important to understand that the main active ingredient in any punishment is fear…
When a child is afraid of something, it is stressful for him. Stress inhibits the development of the psyche. This is why motivation plays a key role in development. A child interested in learning a new skill, such as tying shoelaces or holding a pencil correctly in his hand, will achieve success much faster than a child who acts to avoid punishment.
Physical punishment is totally unacceptable in raising a healthy child because it undermines basic trust in parents. They enjoy unconditional authority and are key figures in life until the child learns to act independently. If the child has experienced physical pain, which was provoked by the parent, the authority disappears. The child will not strive to be like the one who hurts him.
An alternative to punishment can be agreement… Although the child is small, he is far from stupid. From 3-4 years old, children learn to trace causal relationships. This age is often referred to as the “Why Much Age”.
Children pester their relatives with questions like: “Why does the train go on the rails?”, “Why does dad go to work?” etc. The child begins to understand the dependence of some events on others. This creates a fertile ground for parenting through arrangements.
Practical example: A 3-year-old child does not want to go to kindergarten. Every morning wake up “with a fight”, tears, shouts “Mom, don’t leave me!” The situation is familiar to many parents, so I give this example.
Punishing a child for wanting to stay at home with their parents is tantamount to saying “We don’t need you!” This approach will lead to problems of forming an adequate self-esteem. The solution to the problem through an agreement looked like this: On Sunday, the parents invited the child to choose a toy that he likes. To save time on shopping trips, they used the online ordering service. The child chose a transforming robot from a popular children’s cartoon. The parents offered to agree: if the child wants them to buy this toy, he must do something for this. The child has a need. He is already ready to act in order to obtain the coveted robot. Parents suggest “Come on, if you go to kindergarten all week, we will buy you a toy. Deal?” The child agreed. Then the matter is small. If a child began to be capricious, he was reminded why all this was needed.
After 4 weeks, the child himself willingly went to the garden. The adaptation period has passed. The child became interested in communicating with other children. The need for a reward was gone. Parents, of course, had to buy 4 toys, which they would have bought anyway out of love for their child.
The advantage of parenting through agreements is that the child develops control and planning of his actions. An understanding is formed that he can get what he wants if he takes the necessary actions for this. In this example, there are several key points that I want to draw attention to: It is better to negotiate in advance in a calm atmosphere. If you pick up your child at 7:30 and offer to negotiate something before going to the garden, he is unlikely to be enthusiastic about it.
The child must make the choice on his own. If you impose something of your own, then there is a great risk that the venture will fail. The child will not try for the sake of what he does not need. If the child does not want to follow the agreement, appeal to the fact that you would like to buy the reward, but cannot, because he does not do what he promised.
Emphasize that the result depends on him, not on you. Be sure to stick to your side of the agreement, no matter what. If you undermine trust, then these tricks will no longer work for you. Your word will lose its power in the eyes of the child. Good luck and patience, dear parents!
Basic principles of parenting without punishment
- Patience. Parents who dare to be raised without punishment choose a difficult and shady path. There will be many problems on it, but if all the conditions are met, they will grow up a happy and self-sufficient person.
- Children should be loved not for what they give us (a feeling of confidence, completeness and pride), but love just like that. Of course, it is easier to punish than to understand the reasons for bad behavior. But this shows the selfishness of the parents. They make it easier for themselves by infringing on their child – a small person.
- Accept your child as he is, with all the problems, troubles and whims. He must feel loved and appreciated.
- You need to pay enough attention to your child.… After all, it is his deficiency that causes disobedience.
- Recognize the identity of the child. From the earliest years, when the little one still does not know how to speak, he already chooses clothes, a toy for himself. He has his own feelings and suffering. They cannot be neglected. After all, it destroys individuality.
- Education by example. If you forbid the child to lie – do not lie and do not embellish yourself. Follow the rules with the whole family. The child’s innate instinct to imitate adults operates on a subconscious level. Try it and you will see that it is.
- The more pressure, the more resistance. If you constantly saw – put away the toys, do this, do this, do not take, do not break, do not touch, then you can create such a tense atmosphere that the child will want to escape from it. Which he will try to do in whims, protests and tantrums.
- Punishments confirm that for every power there is even more power. The kid will grow up and your power and financial authority will disappear. Then the understanding will come that punishment is a mistake of upbringing, but it will be too late.
- Consistency is an assistant in complying with the rules… They said you won’t give candy before dinner – don’t give it. If today it is impossible, and tomorrow it is possible, then it is always possible.
- Maintain the desired behavior with encouragement. Children quickly forget about the punishment that threatens in the event of a prank, but remember about presentations for diligent behavior.
- A parent must constantly develop, learnso that the growing up baby does not confuse him with difficult questions.
- Do not be led to provocation – tantrums, reproaches, rudeness. Be indifferent to such emotional outbursts.
See also: How to Raise a Child-Manipulator – Tips for Parents.
See also: What should parents do during a quarrel between children – how to behave correctly?
What parents need to know about parenting without punishment – how to learn this art?
- Stubbornness and whims are a child’s way of self-expressionwhen he lacks freedom. They often occur during periods of crisis in life – a crisis of 3 years, a transition period. Every year, add freedom and personal space to your child, not responsibilities. After all, freedom is about making decisions.
- Allow natural consequences – true punishments.
- Feel the way out of the problem together. For example, a child took someone else’s thing without asking. It should be clarified that the owner of the thing will be upset if he does not find it on the spot. After all, she is so dear to him. We must return it to its owner!
- The adult should ask the child’s interest in the desired behaviorrather than dwelling on unwanted actions. Those. the parent does not warn, if you touch the flower, I’ll flog it. And he says, sit and play with the doll until I come.
- But what about small children? They do not understand the incorrectness of their actions, and it is almost impossible to explain it to them. Then you just need to physically remove the baby from the dangerous environment and withcreate a safe environment for him. If he crawls to the yard dog, then you need to take the baby to another yard and distract him with a toy.
- Talk to your child a lot. Explain what is good and what is bad. Simulate situations on dolls and solve problems in the game.
- Do not prohibit necessary actions. A child cannot sit quietly in a chair for about 40 minutes in line. It is useful for children to run, play, jump and frolic. That is why they are children, and the desire to have a comfortable child is a requirement of parental selfishness.
Upbringing without punishment does not lead to selfishness. After all, egoists are disliked children who, in adulthood, are trying to catch up.
Commentary by psychologist Ekaterina Plasteeva
How to raise a child without punishing him?
I believe that the most important thing in raising a child is understanding and accepting his feelings. And, if at the same time the parent does something in his own way, a conflict may arise. And that’s great. Needs may collide. And at the next stages, agreements and mutual concessions come into force.
Often times, parents do not believe in such a relationship. They see children as negative, incapable of making arrangements. I will tell you a secret, as a specialist with 30 years of experience. Parents do not know how to negotiate, but children can. Physical punishment fundamentally breaks the psyche of the child. Yes, a soldier can be trained in this way to be good. But giving your child the opportunity to be happy is unlikely.
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