A son growing up without a father – how to raise a son as a single mother
An incomplete family can be quite comfortable for a child, comprehensively developing and full-fledged – the main thing is to intelligently organize educational moments. As a rule, the “mother and daughter” family experiences fewer problems, because the mother and daughter can always find common topics of conversation, common activities and interests.
COLADY psychologists will tell you how a single mother can raise her son so that he grows up as a real man.
See also: How to survive for a single mother: benefits, subsidies, benefits.
See also: What mistakes should a single mother avoid in raising her son?
How a single mother can raise her son without a father – says psychologist Ruslan Dudka
Accept that you cannot raise a real man – your son must become one himself. Otherwise, the boy will go the easy way and think that “not being like a woman” is what it means to be a real man.
But first, mom needs to take care of herself. If anxiety and stress become constant companions, there can be no talk of full-fledged education. In the absence of dad, the child will totally adjust to the maternal neuroses and carry these “mental settings” through his whole life. It is a bad idea to find comfort in your son by completely forgetting about yourself. A child is an important part of your life, but not your whole life. Take care of yourself.
The word “dad” should not be forbidden. The figure of the father for the boy is extremely important, it is the cornerstone on which many aspects of life will be built. Do not lay rotten brick in this foundation, humiliating his father or completely ignoring this topic. The son must understand that he, like all children, came from dad and mom – he is normal. Come up with a myth that is acceptable to you and useful to the boy. Who should he look up to and what to write about when the school will ask an essay about dad?
Blocked aggression and social phobia are common problems for boys who grow up without a father. Keep in mind that there will be an overabundance of women participating in the upbringing of women: grandmothers, educators, teachers. All of them will suppress the self and any attempts to test oneself and the world for strength. And then either there will be a difficult puberty, or everything will go deep into the psyche, leading to maladjustment in adulthood. Therefore, from an early age instill a boy’s interest in sports, preferably in his contact types.
Coaches and older guys will provide a male example that is critically lacking. Excitement and aggression will go in the right direction, the future man will know the joy of victories and the bitterness of defeat, which will further give the skill of managing these important emotions. Yes, giving to the section is not a new idea, but it is not simple either: in addition to costs, it is the risk of injury, resentment and conflict. Be prepared that your son will not go to the amusement park.
The ability to solve any problem is the superpower of any single mother. Pass on this skill, let the boy make his own choices, even in the smallest things, make mistakes and deal with problems that arise. Already before high school, he should be able to take care of himself: wash, iron, sew on a button, make himself breakfast.
Teach your child independence, support his own interests, and then you have every chance to raise a real man who will be grateful for your contribution.
5 rules for raising a son that every single mother should know – commentary from clinical pediatric neuropsychologist Yegor Semyonov
- There is no need to scold the father in front of the child. Situations vary, but it is important to be tactful. You cannot generalize, speak negatively about all men. This will then have an extremely negative impact on the formation of the child and his gender role. If the relationship is bad, and the person is not worthy for the child to communicate with him, then it should be neutrally said for whatever reason the dad is not around.
- If, upon divorce, the father wants to participate in the upbringing of the child, and nothing clearly negative from the father can be expected, then in no case should communication be hindered.
- If the father, for some reason, cannot be present in the child’s life, then classes in a circle under the guidance of a good male coach will become an alternative to male upbringing. In this case, when choosing a circle, you should focus on the specialist, and not on the brutality of the section (for example, boxing or karate).
- Boys are mostly pragmatic and laconic. Therefore, hour-long conversations for them can be painful, difficult to understand and even cause negativity. If the child is not very inclined to discuss something, any thought and proposal can always be expressed briefly, in a few phrases. It is best to avoid long conversations about topics that your child does not want to bring up.
- Sometimes, from the point of view of a woman, the boy will seem incomprehensible fuss, which causes irritation. Of course, every mother wants the boy to be neat, polite, responsible, always call when he gets to the place, dress warmly … But when custody crosses a certain line, and constant nagging and claims begin, mother should think whether the reproaches of spoiled relations with a child and whether you need to worry about trifles.
No need to overprotect boys. Excessive care can lead to the dependence and effeminacy of an adult man who is unable to cope with his problems without a mother. The child must go through separation – separate from the mother and become an independent person. You need to find a middle ground between overprotection and lack of attention. As the Buddha said, if the string is pulled too tight, it will break. If you weaken it, it will not sound.
Can a single mother raise her son as a real man – said family psychologist, gestalt therapist Ksenia Yurieva
The role of the mother in the child’s life is accepting and supportive, for the father it is completely different – about the structure of life. Especially for boys from 3 years old, the role of the father is an example of behavior in society.
If it so happens that the parents do not live together, then the mother should pay attention to the following points: in no case should the father be devalued in the eyes of the boy. When there is no clear example in the actions, the child will begin to identify himself with the negative picture of his father and will feel “bad” and thus unworthy of happiness.
It is good if an example of male behavior in society is, for example, a coach in some section. In the absence of such a masculine figure, the boy may have difficulty in displaying strength and masculinity.
Another important part of the father’s role in the child’s life is helping to get out of the symbiosis between mother and child. If the father is not around, the mother will have to take control of this moment herself. If this is not done, confusion of roles may occur, with a strong merger, the son may take the father’s place next to the mother, which will adversely affect both his life and the mother’s personal life.
Psychological Tips for Single Mothers
To begin with, every mother, single-handedly raising her son and sincerely wishing to give him the right upbringing, must forget the opinion of individual people that an incomplete family is equal to the upbringing of an inferior man. Don’t think of your family as inferior – don’t program yourself problems. Inadequacy is determined not by the absence of a father, but by the lack of love and proper upbringing.
Of course, difficulties await you, but you will definitely cope with them. Just avoid mistakes and remember the main thing:
- Don’t try to be a dad by raising a child like a soldier – hard and uncompromising. If you do not want him to grow up withdrawn and angry, do not forget – he needs affection and tenderness.
- A model of behavior for a real man must be mandatory. This does not mean that you need to change men near you, looking for the most courageous dad substitute. We are talking about those men who are in the life of every woman – her dad, brother, uncle, teachers, coaches, etc.
Have the toddler spend more time with them (after all, someone has to demonstrate to the boy how to pee while standing). The first 5 years are the most important for a baby. It is during this period that a mother needs to give her son the opportunity – to take an example from a man. It’s good if she meets a person who will replace the baby’s father, but if this does not happen, do not close with the child in your world – take him to male relatives, go to visit friends, where a man can (albeit for a short time) teach the little one a couple of lessons ; send your son to sports. Not to a music or art school, but to a section where a male coach can influence the formation of a courageous personality.
- Movies, books, cartoons, stories from mom before bedtime can also be an example to follow. About knights and musketeers, about brave heroes saving the world, protecting women and their families. Of course, the image of “Gena Bukin”, the American gigolo and other characters will be a terrible example. Control what your son watches and reads, slip him the right books and films, show on the street with examples how men protect the streets from bandits, how they give way to grannies, how they support the ladies, let them go ahead and give them a hand.
- Do not mess with your son, do not distort your language. Communicate with your child like an adult. There is no need to stifle authority with authority, but over-concern will be harmful. Raise your son independent of you. Do not worry that this way he will move away from you – he will love you even more. But by locking a child under your wing, you run the risk of raising an addicted, cowardly egoist.
- Do not do all his work for the child, teach him independence. Let him brush his teeth, make the bed, put away the toys after him, and even wash his own cup.
Of course, there is no need to hang women’s responsibilities on the child. Forcing your son to hammer nails at 4 is also not worth it. If something doesn’t work out for the child, calmly offer to try again. Trust in a child, faith in his capabilities is your best support for him.
- Do not dismiss if the baby wants to pity you, hug, kiss. This is how the child takes care of you – let him feel strong. And if he wants to help you carry your bag – let him carry it. But go too far in your “weakness”. The child should not be your constant comforter, advisor, etc.
- Do not forget to praise your son for his courage, independence and courage. Praise is an incentive for achievement. Of course, not in the spirit of “What a smart girl, my golden baby …”, but “Well done, son” – that is, briefly and to the point.
- Give your child freedom. Let him learn to solve conflict situations himself, to endure if he accidentally fell and broke his knee, to understand good and bad people by trial and error.
- If your own father wants to communicate with his son, do not resist. Let the child learn to grow up under the supervision of a man. If the father is not an alcoholic and a completely adequate man, then your grievances against your husband do not matter – do not deprive your son of a man’s upbringing.
After all, you do not want your son, having matured a little, went to look for “masculinity” in street companies?
- Choose clubs, sections and courses that are dominated by men. Sports, computer, etc.
- In the adolescence of your son, another “crisis” awaits you. The child already knows everything about the relationship of the sexes, but the release of testosterone drives him crazy. And he won’t be able to talk to you about it. It is extremely important that the child during this period has an authoritative “limiter” and an assistant – a man who will help, prompt, teach self-control.
- Do not limit the child’s social circle, do not lock him in the apartment. Let him fill bumps and make mistakes, let him put himself in the team and on the playground, let him make friends, look after girls, protect the weak, etc.
- Do not try to impose your understanding of the world on your son. First, he still sees the world differently from you. Secondly, his vision is masculine.
- Learn to understand sports with your child, in construction, in cars and pistols, and in other purely male spheres of life.
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