Once a woman came to me for a consultation, and she behaved extremely arrogantly. She had at least three reasons for this.
- Firstly, she was good-looking and successful, more successful than many, and this made her extremely happy.
- Secondly, she was convinced that psychology would not help her in any way, because it could not help by definition.
- Thirdly, she believed that psychologists are just representatives of the service sector, for example, service personnel, and therefore do not deserve polite treatment.
The woman demonstrated her superiority in every possible way, spoke in a dismissive tone, behaved arrogantly. And I didn’t pay any attention to it, I was benevolent, ignored all her barbs.
After 10 minutes, a completely different person was in front of me. The woman turned out to be very sweet, sincere, pleasant. She smiled, joked, frankly shared her problems, cried, rejoiced at insights … We decided her request and parted on a very good note.
Why did such a metamorphosis take place? If you know what arrogance really is, such transformations will happen to most of your arrogant interlocutors.
Read also: How to control your emotions if you are provoked into a conflict – 11 practical tips from a psychologist
3 reasons for arrogant behavior
So, what do you need to know about arrogance in order to quickly and easily eliminate it from communication?
1. Arrogance is an aggressive form of self-doubt.
Arrogance is often defined as arrogance, arrogance, a belief in one’s superiority over others, and an obvious demonstration of this through a contemptuous attitude. An arrogant person is convinced that he is better than others. Rather, he thinks he is convinced of it. Because if a person really is objectively superior to someone in something, he does not need to show it, prove it, demonstrate it.
If you need to prove it, then there is no deep conviction in your superiority, there is no self-confidence.
Arrogance is an illusory attempt to increase one’s own self-esteem by belittling another. In other words, “I’m better not because I’m actually better in something, but because now I’m going to prove that you are worse.” And against the background of the “unworthy”, the arrogant person begins to feel superior.
Self-doubt often takes two forms. In the passive form, we deal with shy, shy people, in the aggressive – with the arrogant. Both those and others, deep down in their hearts, do not consider themselves good and worthy. Shy ones accept it, arrogant ones don’t. They try to hide behind their aggression, bristle with all their thorns and thorns.
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2. Arrogance is a way of protection
Why does a hedgehog need thorns? Nature has endowed hedgehogs with such a protective tool. People have psychological, emotional, verbal thorns. But their function is still the same – to scare, so that they don’t come closer, and if they do, they hurt and discourage them from coming closer again.
Any living creature needs protection only in one case – when there is no security. In cases of communication, relationships, we are talking about psychological safety.
Arrogant people, as a rule, do not realize this, but on a subconscious level they expect a “blow” from their communication partner. This can be reproach, complaint, criticism, ill will, discontent, lack of sympathy, disappointment.
Very often, arrogance is “turned on” during such conversations, when an unpleasant or psychologically painful trigger topic may be raised.
The motto of arrogant people: “Best defense is attack”. However, by attacking, they show how much they need this protection. Arrogant people are always very vulnerable.
3. Arrogance is a statement of unfulfilled expectations
What a person does not want to see and accept in himself, he projects onto others. In the case of arrogance, it works like this:
“I make excessive demands on myself that I do not meet; in order not to admit it, I begin to make such demands on others. When I see that the other also does not meet the high standard, I feel that I am not alone in my “badness.” It is calming. “
Aggression is always defense. Arrogance is psychological and social aggression. All the arrogant person really needs is the security that he is trying to get in the way available to him.
This knowledge is useful when we are faced with arrogance or demonstrate it ourselves, because sometimes it can “turn on” in any person.
How to respond to the arrogance of others
If the other person behaves arrogantly towards you, it can be concluded that you are a source of psychological danger in their eyes. It’s worth checking to see if you actually look “dangerous.” Your closed or territorial poses, active gestures, or a raised tone can provoke another to defend.
It is important to understand: if they react to you in this way, it means that you are causing this reaction with something, this very reaction.
- Make sure your body language speaks of your kindness and openness.
- Remind yourself that the emotions of the other have nothing to do with you: he is not aggressive because of you or even at you, but because of some of his own internal pains and problems.
- Don’t react to an unwelcome tone or harsh words, just ignore them.
- Do not be aggressive yourself, do not include defense in response.
- Show that you are not really a threat to the other person’s self-esteem.
When the other person sees that there is nothing to be afraid of, the protections are disabled. He begins to behave in the same way as he would behave with people whom he already knows and whom he trusts.
What if you caught yourself arrogant?
- Admit that your defense mechanism has turned on, which means that you do not feel safe at the moment.
- Think about what exactly in the other person you perceive as a danger, where you are vulnerable, what can hurt your self-esteem.
- Accept this fact and tell yourself that it is “yours” and that the other has no purpose to hurt you.
How it happens, let’s look at examples.
The girl begins to boast of her professional success, because she sees that her interlocutor is younger and slimmer. This means that age and weight are those topics that touch the quick.
A lonely woman looks down on a man who is less successful in his career, but has a close-knit family. This means that her loneliness is a trigger theme for her, this is her pain.
A woman is contemptuous of other women while driving, although she herself does not have a car – not because she cannot afford it financially, but because, for example, she has a fear of driving and cannot overcome it.
In such cases, the interlocutors have nothing to do with it. They just show us some of our pain. But to deal with this is our area of responsibility.
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