Probably, there is hardly one among us who, at least once in her life, has not experienced a prick of jealousy. After all, this feeling can visit everyone, and there is nothing strange about it. But it so happens that jealousy becomes a faithful companion of a relationship. It haunts day and night, bites and tears from the inside, making life unbearable. And then jealousy becomes a serious problem that can destroy the strongest love.
Therefore, today we will talk about how to kill jealousy in yourself, until she killed your marriage.
Read also: 10 important rules of wise wives – how to become a wise wife?
The psychology of jealousy – commentary by psychologist Lilia Panova
Jealousy is a very complex feeling in which selfishness, the desire to own and control a dear person, suspicion, doubts about loyalty and love intersect. And we begin to get to know him from childhood, namely at the age of 1-3 years. We are jealous of mom for brothers and sisters, for dad, for work.
Children are jealous due to lack of attention or love. If a competitor appears in the family for mother’s attention, the child feels that he is no longer needed, that he is not loved and rejected. From this, an attitude is formed – “I am not like that” and a feeling of injustice, the trauma of rejection.
And it also happens that a girl grows up without a dad. And then the inner child receives less love through the male image of the father, and later seeks him through his relationship. We all relive our relationship with our parents through our partners. This means that we transfer our feelings and what we lacked in childhood to men, friends, relatives.
If the partner begins to show less attention, care, then again the feeling “I am not needed, I am not like that” arises and jealousy enters the ring – “you are mine, I am afraid to be left without your attention, I am afraid to lose you”.
Psychologists consider the following types of jealousy:
- rational jealousy. This type of jealousy occurs when there is a risk of losing a dear person;
- irrational jealousy – arises in imagination and fantasy and has nothing to do with reality. Remember the phrase “I came up with it myself – I was offended myself”, it’s about the following story. This type of jealousy is more inherent in people with a rich imagination, low self-esteem, inferiority complexes and childhood trauma;
- delirium of jealousy – refers to inadequate, absolutely unjustified jealousy and can lead to mental pathology.
The reasons for jealousy in adulthood are low self-esteem and low self-confidence in sexual terms (and therefore tightness, because a woman thinks about how to match in sex, and not about how to relax and be herself), fear of rejection, fear loss of a loved one, an unlimited desire to possess an object of love. And this very closely intersects with those childhood sensations that a woman experienced in her deep childhood at the age of 1-3 years in the framework of family relationships, which we talked about at the beginning of the article.
This may show a tendency towards masochism, when a woman likes to suffer, she experiences pleasure from her own torment. But there may also be a neurotic need for control. “When I am in control, I know what awaits me. Control is a way to avoid the unknown. Namely, the unknown carries the risk of losing control. “
There is also a codependent form of relationship, when a partner provokes a woman to jealousy, because her jealousy for him is a confirmation of her love. They are dependent on each other in feelings and complement each other’s needs. But this is a painful relationship based on strain, drama. Often such women from dysfunctional families, because this is what the girl is used to seeing in the parental family.
Whatever type of jealousy pursues you, the main thing that is worth realizing is that the reason for jealousy is not in the behavior of your partner, but in your fears that come from childhood. And it is with yourself that you should start your path to a healthy relationship.
A partner is not a magician, he cannot solve this question in your head, because it is you who react to his behavior. Yes, and you are attracted to the general perception of the world. The rule always works: like attracts like, otherwise there will be no points of contact.
Since we start any changes with ourselves, we can shift the focus of attention from the partner’s infidelity to working with ourselves. If you turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist, then the specialist will work with childhood traumas and “settings”, will help to form a stable self-esteem, remove clamps and reveal sexuality. Such a woman a priori will not be jealous, because she knows her own worth.
Jealous of her husband to his ex – advice from a psychologist
Jealousy of the past is one of the most common types of female jealousy. It often happens that many women, as if on purpose, themselves systematically find reasons for such jealousy, so that later they can revel in this state from the heart.
We find the pages of his former lovers on social networks, we can spend hours looking at their joint photos, read comments, compare ourselves with them.
And God forbid – the husband accidentally throws a phrase about some of his former relationships! A storm of emotions immediately overwhelms us and makes us experience the strongest bouts of jealousy.
How to get rid of jealousy?
How to get rid of jealousy of your husband’s past? First of all, think about the fact that now this person loves only you, cares and is going to spend his whole life with you. Everyone has a past. Surely, before you met your spouse, you had affairs. But now feelings for former lovers are gone.
It’s the same with your husband. If he chose you, then this means that all previous relationships are over for him. You should also not torment your beloved with questions about his women, or somehow try to humiliate them in his eyes. In the first case, you will hurt, first of all, yourself, and throw wood on the fire of jealousy, and in the second, you can alienate your husband from you. After all, it was a part of his life in which at some moments he was happy. But you also need to clearly understand that this page of her has been turned over for him a long time ago.
Jealous of her husband to his girlfriends
Many outgoing and outgoing men have female friends. They can be classmates, childhood friends, or just work colleagues. Friends call your husband, correspond with him on the Internet, share with him some of their problems, which your husband also solves. And, of course, this alignment of events cannot leave you indifferent.
Suspicions begin to creep into the soul that – “what if they had something? Or will it be? Or is there already? ” Each such call or SMS becomes a serious test of your relationship. And when meeting with such acquaintances of your husband, you are just ready to grab his hair and solve the problem with an imaginary rival on the spot.
How to stop being jealous of your husband’s friends?
One way or another, but you will not be able to put your loved one under arrest and not let him out of the house, where he will communicate only with you and see only you. Remember that relationships are built primarily on trust. It often happens that a man is simply forced to communicate at work with female colleagues. Or many years ago it so happened that a woman became his friend. This does not mean at all that he should, headlong, rush you suddenly to cheat with her.
If you feel that their communication is seriously interfering with your relationship, then frankly talk about it with your husband. A loving person will always understand the feelings of his other half and will try to protect her from unpleasant experiences. But do it calmly and judiciously, so as not to alienate the man from you, but, on the contrary, to strengthen your relationship.
Jealous of her husband for his work
Jealousy for work most often torments housewives or women who are sitting at home on maternity leave. The husband disappears in the office all day, then he comes home, tired, and he has absolutely no time for you. His conversations also mostly boil down to work, and he condescendingly dismisses your stories about household chores.
And you are already beginning to be tormented by various suspicions and resentments: it seems to you that he does not appreciate you as much as before, and even at work he is more interested in him than with you. All this, in the end, can result in family conflicts.
How to get rid of?
Understand that work is an integral part of a man’s life. He must provide for his family, self-actualize, build a career. After all, he does all this, first of all, for your sake. And, coming home from work, a man wants to see a smile on your face and be sure that he is expected at home.
Take his absence as an extra opportunity to take care of yourself, calmly do all your household chores, chat with friends, work out with your child, or go, for example, to a beauty salon.
Jealous of her husband for his hobbies
It often happens that, after coming home from work, your husband sits down at the computer, and you lose him for the whole evening on the Internet. And on Friday night you don’t see him at all, because he went to watch football with his friends. Or on the long-awaited weekend, he suddenly leaves with friends for a fishing trip. And, of course, it is not without jealousy.
After all, you miss, make joint plans, you want to spend time together, and for some reason your husband prefers completely different hobbies. This often leads to resentment, which can develop into mutual claims and quarrels.
How to stop being jealous of your husband’s hobbies?
To get rid of such jealousy forever will help you, first of all, a look at yourself from the outside. After all, you, as a rule, do not ask your husband to go to meet your girlfriends for a cup of coffee. Or you, in turn, also spend time on forums on the Internet or watching your favorite TV series. Each person – even when he is legally married – should have personal space, friends, hobbies and interests.
If your whole world were limited only to each other, then, in the end, you would just get bored, and there would be nothing to talk about. Take your loved one’s hobby as an integral part of himself. After all, these hobbies or the desire to spend time with friends absolutely do not prevent him from loving you, and you – from trusting your man.
Of course, each case is individual and it so happens that jealousy is not at all groundless and has good reasons. In such cases, it can be extremely difficult to kill jealousy in yourself, and it is not always worth doing it.
Remember that, first of all, you need to talk with your partner, and not destroy yourself with suspicions from the inside. After all, your husband is the person you are closest to., and who, if not him, can always understand you and dispel all your fears.
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