mama’s boy or just a caring son?

Every woman develops her own image of the ideal, the best man in childhood. Growing up, one girl sees her future half of the macho from the coast of Italy, the other as a Russian hero, the third as a sensitive knight, etc. But each wants her man to be confident, courageous and strong.

The COLADY editorial team set out to find out which man is called “mama’s boy”, and most importantly – which woman would he suit? Certified psychologists and sexologists talk.

Read who a real man is and what he should be able to do.

A man is a sissy boy – who is he in the language of psychology?

Everyone knows that the relationship between a man and his mother is formed in childhood. Often, excessive custody becomes the reason that the son considers the main goal of his life – to thank his mother for what she did for him and in general for what she brought into the world.

This sense of duty (often multiplied by the feeling of “guilt”) certainly interferes with the son’s personal life. Moreover, if with a career for such an infantile man, most likely, everything will turn out well, then a mother will always be invisibly (and visibly) present in a relationship with a woman.

Having put “all of herself” into the child, giving him “the best years of life”, love, health and everything else, the mother begins to jealously protect her son from all “predators” who want to get her fostered treasure. Without even thinking about the consequences, such a mother intervenes in any relationship of her son, stigmatizes all candidates and does not want to let the child go free, even if gray hair is already hatching on his temples. Read: How to please the parents of a future husband – tricks for future daughters-in-law.

Commentary by psychologist Yulia Ryabikina

“All men are like children!“- a favorite phrase of women-mothers who have adopted … their own husband.

Let’s clarify:

– there are men;

– have children;

– but there are infantile adults who have stopped in development, stuck in childhood.

This applies to both men and women. It is important to distinguish psychological infantilism (personality immaturity, preservation of childish traits) from mental (personality development pathology). But now is not about that. Infantilov betrays behavior. They are the ones who refer to their wife only as to “mommy”: “Mom, what are we going to eat today?“.

A scroll from a spouse with a list of groceries in the supermarket is an essential attribute! “Where is my socks?“- loudly distributed throughout the house. He is jealous of his wife even of his own children, because all the attention should go to him alone. A wife in such a marriage does not marry, but becomes (and note: of her own free will!) A wife-mother for an eternal child-husband, and this is already an incest relationship for our psyche, and in them, as in the USSR, there is “no sex” …

There is no need to talk about harmonious relations between a man and a woman in such an alliance. By the way, this story is not at all about a healthy relationship, although it is quite common in Russian families.

How to determine if a man is a mama’s son or just a good son

Unlike just caring sons, a mama’s son always puts his mother on a “pedestal”, idealizing her in every sense and maintaining complete dependence on her.

• Mama’s son will be polite, gallant and kind, but in his life you will never rise a step higher than you are allowed – because mom is already there.
• Mama’s son constantly cites his mother as an example for you – “And mom does this …”, “And mom thinks it’s stupid”, “And mom says what is needed …”, etc.
• Mom calls him regularly, more than once a day, as he does to her. And conversations on the phone are not limited – “how are you, hello, so far, everything is fine”, but dragged on for an hour or two.
• The mother of such a man knows everything about himself and about his every step. Including all the details of your life together and secrets / problems of an intimate nature.
• Mama’s son does not want to grow up. He will happily take his dirty shirts to your mom if you haven’t had time to wash them. Grab Mom’s cutlets for work, not your lunch. She will advise on a new job with my mother, not with you.
• In the event of a conflict between you and his mother, he will always choose her side. Because “this is my mom!”
• You will never be ideal. Because the ideal is already there. And you will not reach him, even if you become the country’s best chef and hostess of the year.
• Such a man always fulfills his mother’s desire or demand instantly and without unnecessary wrangling. Mom’s word is law. Even if you are already standing in front of the train waiting for boarding, and your mother suddenly ran out of activated carbon. Or when you finally started renovating, and mom urgently needed to update the wallpaper in her living room. Her desire will be fulfilled, no matter how you stamp your foot, howl and take offense.
• Mama’s son does not like quarrels and conflicts. With no one. He is not used to conflict. Therefore, he will not make a row with you, moreover, at any cost, even by clenching his teeth and almost exploding with indignation.
• Even if you live separately from his mother, she probably lives nearby – you never know what …

If a man is a mama’s son – what to do?

If you decide to connect your life with this person, get ready for the fact that you must become the best substitute for the golden hands of his mother. See also: Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships – problems and solutions.

• Tell him about the “three pillars” of your family happiness: that is, he must respect you, not put mother’s principles above your family, not interfere with it in your life.
• Explain your position in advance – that you need a real man, not a muslin girl.
• Try to solve all problems and issues in the family “in hot pursuit” – before he turns to his mother for help.
• Limit his communication with mom to the maximum. As far as it’s possible. Not a requirement, but circumstances. Leave to travel more often by turning off your mobile phones. Move to live “closer to the sea”, because “the climate is better there, but your health is weak,” etc.
• If you have children, often leave him alone with the children. Let him learn to look after them on his own.

If you cannot change the situation and are not able to come to terms with it, then there is no point in harassing yourself and hoping that the man will grow up, or the mother-in-law will lag behind you. Pack your things and leave. If you really have an important place in his life, then he will do everything to get you back and fix the situation…

How the “mama’s boy” behavior model is formed – says psychologist Tatyana Zayarnaya

The wording “mama’s boy” already contains part of the characteristics of such a man. This person is, first of all, in a childish position. During the period of a child’s development, when he learns to take responsibility for himself, to make decisions, to make a choice, in the case of a “mama’s boy” all attempts are thwarted by the mother or any other significant adult.

This usually happens when the parent is overprotective or supervising. So, over the years, a model of behavior has been formed when a boy, and then a man, is not able to distinguish between his desires and make decisions. A certain tandem is formed, in which one takes care of and controls, the other obeys the rules of the “game”.

Often, such men never marry, choosing short novels only to satisfy their sexual instinct. If, however, marriage does happen, then with a high probability the wife in the behavioral sphere will be very similar to the mother.

… In fact, nothing changes for the “mama’s son”, the man passes from the care of his mother to the care of his wife.

In such families, one can often hear from the wife the wording “I gave birth to two children myself, and the third was given to me by my mother-in-law,” “he won’t even cook for himself without me,” and so on. Thus, a new “parent-child” tandem is formed, where the wife makes all decisions, signs the husband to the doctor, monitors the intake of medicines and the cleanliness of his clothes.

It sounds sad, but speaking about the concept of “mama’s boy” it is important to remember that the position of the child described above is not a sentence, but the choice of each person.

If you look in reference publications, we will see that the expression “mama’s son” is used to characterize a psychologically immature, helpless, infantile man, spoiled by female upbringing, care, guardianship, not adapted to real life and unable to make independent decisions. Men of this type, more often, become the object of social disapproval.

In a psychological sense, they are also considered to be conditionally dysfunctional – they have not gone through separation, have not separated from the mother’s figure, have not experienced a “second birth” (psychological birth of a personality). However, one must understand that social and psychological norms are always extremely conditional and culturally determined. Let us recall the film “The Marriage of Balzaminov”. Despite the satirical presentation of the story, it must be admitted that Mikhail Balsaminov (Georgy Vitsin) is a harmonious, beautiful, sincere, sincere image in his own way. This one hundred percent mama’s son evokes sympathy, affection, as an option – the desire to warm, caress, realize the accumulated warm feelings. And after all, Balzaminov finds himself a mate – he marries the heroine Nonna Mordyukova, an imperious lady, combining all those qualities that Mikhail lacks so much.

Yes, there are many clever words to be found in psychology books about how “should be.” True, this somehow overlooks the fact that “should” is an abstract category that has little to do with real life. There have always been, are and will be people (probably 80 percent of them, if not more) who do not fit into the theoretical framework of modern ideas about the ideal personality. The hero of our time is a psychologically mature person, obsessed with personal growth, development and continuous self-improvement. But this is not a real value for everyone. Everyone chooses how to live, how they feel comfortable. “Ideal” is not when you meet the expectations of society, but when you allow yourself to be who you are, accept yourself and find your soul mate.

Mom’s sons are a socially harmless category. They will be in demand among women with a “masculine” type of character, with developed volitional qualities, prone to codependent relationships (which are conventionally not considered today “normal and mature”, but in fact are a huge layer of social reality). From the point of view of psychological games, mama’s sons, as a rule, are in the role of the Victim, and therefore will attract the Rescuers and Persecutors. Such unions also have a right to exist and can be harmonious in their own way.

Oksana Konovalova is a culturologist, PhD in Philosophy, a practicing psychologist, an online consultant for the development of self-confidence and communication skills, an expert at Colady magazine.