Recently, our editorial office received a letter from a woman whom, according to her, her mother never loved. She asked our psychologists to analyze her story from a scientific point of view. The letter touched us so much that we cannot but share it with you. With the permission of the woman who wrote to us, we will publish it.
I don’t know what a mother’s love is. Although no, I know … I read literature, watch movies. But the scenes when a woman hugs and kisses her child do not strike me as cute. I react to them the same way I react to science fiction. Please do not consider me insensitive and angry. Oh, believe me, I’m not like that! However, the image of a loving mother in cinema and literature has never caused me a tender thrill.
From early childhood I did not receive anything from HER except reproaches and constant discontent. “No thanks!”, “How did you manage not to learn this verse ?!”, “How much can you annoy me ?!” – it’s impossible to get used to these questions. They, like a sharp dagger, cut into the heart, leaving a deep wound of memories. And the point is not even what she asked, but in HOW, in what tone. In all her questions, criticism was heard. I grew up convinced that I:
– undeserving of respect.
I didn’t understand why my mother was so often angry with me, because I don’t create problems, I study well, and I help her in everything. However, she almost always expressed dissatisfaction. And the point is not even that she did not show her LOVE, everything was much worse. She regularly displayed her LOVE.
Once, when I returned from school, my mother presented me with a fact: “Pack your things, we will take you to the orphanage. I can no longer and do not want to live with you. “ I was very scared. Now I’m 26, but remembering this horror, I cry every time. I did not understand the reasons for this decision, but now I clearly know – there was no reason, she was just bluffing.
I remember a case in a supermarket when the guards, suspecting me of theft, asked me to go with them to the room to call the police. I was 18 then. Naturally, the first thought was to call my mother. I asked her to come to this supermarket and help me solve the misunderstanding. But she said, “Today I don’t feel very well. Better call your grandmother, she may be in the city and can drive up. ” Then the earth disappeared from under my feet.
I waited with horror every time she came home from work. No, my mother never raised her hand to me, but she created an extremely difficult psychological atmosphere. The angry expression on his face, loud sighs, nagging, reproaches, etc. – all this was very hard to bear. As a child, I believed that it was my fault that my mother was unhappy. When I got older, I stopped thinking about it, I just wanted to distance myself physically and mentally in order to protect myself from this stress.
What do I want to say at the end? I am 26 years old, I graduated, I have friends, senior mentors to whom I can always turn for advice, I am not sitting still, having fun, developing, etc. I am quite happy! But, from time to time I remember my childhood and it becomes hard on my soul … it is interesting to disassemble such a phenomenon from the point of view of psychology. Tell me, can a girl become a happy woman if she never knew mother’s love? Thanks to!
A., 26 years old
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We thank our heroine for her sincerity and for opening our hearts by sharing such a difficult psychologically story. Unfortunately, maternal dislike is a common phenomenon in our society. How is it expressed? Emotional detachment.
A woman who does not have a sincere emotional interest in her child can criticize him, offend, in general, try to hurt his pride and self-esteem in every possible way.
To better understand the nature of such a phenomenon as maternal dislike, let’s turn to the classics. To quote Eric Fromm: “For a woman to be able to give love to her child, she must be not only a good mother, but first of all, a happy person, but not everyone succeeds.
The mother’s love for life is passed on to the child as easily as her anxiety. Both of these feelings deeply affect the psyche of the child “ (E. Fromm “The Art of Love”, 1956).
Based on this, we can conclude that the mother of our heroine is deeply unhappy. Subconsciously, she was looking for a “victim” in her environment, to whom she could convey her sorrows through shouts, criticism and discontent. Unfortunately, this “victim” was a child. The mother, without realizing it, wrote a program of misfortune in her daughter’s head. She coded it for failure and dissatisfaction. A girl who did not receive her mother’s love as a child has low self-esteem.… Growing up, she cannot trust people, she subconsciously sees an enemy in everyone, someone who can offend, hurt. But, since the need for love is extremely important for her, she will try to satisfy it in every possible way, unfortunately, it is not always correct.
Read also: Resentment against parents: 6 psychologist’s tips for adult children
What mistakes can a woman disliked in childhood make and what consequences can she face?
- First, to marry the first person you meet (here we include any form of partnership between a man and a woman, including cohabitation). Such a girl will most likely try to leave home as early as possible, so there is a risk that she will fall in love with an unfamiliar person who should be avoided.
- Secondly, she will always try to be comfortable. In a relationship with a loved one, with friends, with a boss, and with the same mother, she will at all costs prove her benefit. “I’m good! I will not create problems! It’s always easy with me! “ – her slogans for life.
- Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, she will never be 100% confident in herself. The inferiority program, which the mother unconsciously recorded in her mind, will prevent her from living a full life. Such a girl will always doubt herself, it is difficult for her to leave her comfort zone.
- Fourthly, such a woman will always take everything too close to her heart. She is vulnerable and very vulnerable. Parental dislike hurts a child’s heart. Unfortunately, he will carry such pain with him through life, reacting sharply to any criticism, stress, unforeseen circumstances, etc.
Take our test: Test – What kind of psychological trauma did you experience as a child?
So, the mother’s dislike is a sentence for her daughter? NO! Of course not. Fortunately, understanding the root cause of the problem is 50% of its solution.
Our heroine correctly understood that from the mother, from whom only negative comes, you need to distance yourself. Unfortunately, not all people with this problem have the opportunity to move. But, distancing is not always a move. It can be psychological.
To begin with, you should understand that the problem lies exclusively with her. She is unhappy, so she tries to drain her negativity onto the child. And in no case should you do this.
Here I want to quote Eric Fromm again: “A woman can be a sincerely loving mother only when she knows how to truly love: her husband, other children, animals, strangers, people in general. A woman who does not know how to love is able to become a caring mother only for a small child “ (E. Fromm “The Art of Love”, 1956).
When an unloved child realizes that he is not to blame for his mother’s unhappiness, he can break the “unhappy person” scenario and stop accepting her negativity. Don’t try to please a woman who didn’t care or love you! Your job is to make sure you do differently with your own children.
Nowadays, when children are still more of a conscious choice (thanks to contraception), it is less common to meet parents who did not want and do not love children at all. There were times when people gave birth to “sequels” in order to survive, to manage their household. Today, millions of couples want, but sometimes cannot, even have one child.
And there are so many mothers who love their children more than life, and do literally everything they can for them.
However, this is not the case for everyone, and not always.
“Why don’t they love me?”, A growing child may ask.
- Didn’t want to. Indeed, it happens that they did not want a child, they were not ripe for him, and the mother simply does not understand why and “for what” this person was given to her. Does this indicate that something is wrong with the child?
No, this speaks of the mother’s immaturity, perhaps of psychological problems, perhaps of irresponsibility and infantilism.
- They wanted to, but did not know what kind of work was behind it. As a result, the child will be OWNED for life for everything that is done for him. By the way, this is a fairly popular scenario.
- They wanted, they love, but they don’t know how to show it through love, affection and care. Does everyone remember about multiple love languages? So I personally know several adults who have 1-2 languages. For example, money. If I invest money, then I love it.
There may of course be more options. But the question is, what should a child do in this situation?
- To understand that absolutely every person goes through the path of “sacrifice”. Each of us is tested in our own conditions in our families). And it’s not just that. All trials have their own meaning, their consequences and their possible rewards and experiences. Sometimes the most sensitive and loving parents grow out of those mothers who have felt unloved all their lives.
- All your childhood “traumas” need to be rethought as an experience. What did I learn in that situation, in that moment. Why could it have been given to me? What I now know, thanks to those events, is a very painful job. It is recommended to go through it not alone, but with a psychotherapist. But in order for the personality to become harmonious, you need to rethink all your painful experience! Embrace the value of the experience. Thank your parents for this knowledge, even if you now know “how it feels to be abandoned or a betrayed child” – perhaps it is this knowledge that will help you not to make any mistakes in life, or maybe it will determine your calling.
- Find resources that have been lost, denied, or forgotten by you. Again, as you rethink the traumatic situation, ask yourself a question. What internal resource would help me get through this pain-free? Don’t take it as a trauma? do not take into your account?
Perhaps you have questions or would like to share your story? Leave a comment!
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