How to recognize an abuser and get away from him without consequences

To get out of an abusive relationship, you must, first of all, get out of your own illusions and belief in the ability to change your partner. It is important to end your love addiction and end the agony of wanting to return everything as it was at the beginning of the relationship.

Practice shows that it will never be like before. It remains only to completely get out of this relationship, and then you will save the remnants of your psyche and gain a chance for a healthy relationship.

How to get away from the abuser correctly and without consequences

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Friends, before leaving the abuser, you do not need to sort things out with him and say goodbye words to remind him what “treasure” he lost and what he is to blame. You just take, pack your things and leave, not at the moment of a quarrel, but on one emotionally even day. And leave a note:

“I am leaving, this is my final balanced decision, we are different people, I am no longer ready to live and communicate with you. We will not waste your or my time, our story is over. Everyone has his own path”.

After that, we go to ignore, we do not answer calls and SMS under any pretext.

Two weeks after leaving, you may begin to “break the victim”, the desire to return to the “cage to the trainer.” The memory will return pleasant moments to you, bring a story with a happy ending, justify, evoke a feeling of guilt, maybe even pity “How is he there without me ?!”, the main thing for you is not to be led by these thoughts.

Your internal dialogue is a normal stage in a relationship. You can go to a psychologist, go through group therapy, where you will see that you are not the only one who decided to get out of this relationship. Hear a similar scenario for the development of a relationship, periods of silence and increased tension. This will help you to effectively adapt to reality and to live without it.

I recommend renaming your partner’s name on the phone to the word “former”, “trainer”, “abuser” – any word that causes negative. Better to block it and unsubscribe from all social networks.

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My good ones, it should be understood that not all relationships are abusive. That quarrels and conflicts are part of life, and more important is how you get out of these situations, whether you get a constructive dialogue with your partner. The most important thing, when the acquaintance takes place, you do not need to quickly draw conclusions and hang up different signs “good boy / girl”, “womanizer / easy virtue”, “egoist”, “abuser”.

Give the person the opportunity to express themselves in different situations for a period of 1.5 – 3 months, if you meet 1-2 times a week.

If you sometimes have a crisis or a quarrel in a long-term relationship, this does not mean that you are living with an abuser. It is important to distinguish between relationships and toxic relationships.

You might be interested in: Abuse, toxicity and other fashionable psychological terms that every person should know the meaning of

10 signs how to recognize a potential abuser early on

If you are in doubt about whether you are in a toxic relationship or whether it is normal and natural to have fights between you, look for the following signs of abusive behavior.

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  1. Avoiding questions

In the early stages of dating, a potential abuser may avoid direct questions, but at the same time will require you to answer their own direct questions of the same kind. At the same time, he can have a completely calm, coldish, slightly detached tone.

  1. Manipulation

Twisting facts to your side, arguments that sound convincing and prove you wrong. There are phrases: “Why are you winding yourself up?”

Read also: 7 clear signals that you are being manipulated

  1. Unequal position in relationships

To a greater extent, it is common for an abuser to prioritize his desires, to do everything as it is convenient for him. But if the “abuse” went to meet you, then, most likely, he will remember it. “You see, I always enter your position and go to meet you” – manipulation. But do not confuse it with the compromise that needs to be pumped in the relationship.

  1. Rapid development of events

Abusers start to force events. Throwing loud words “Family, children, we will get married, we will always be together, you are my man, I was looking for such a woman, you are the best.” If you hear these words after 2-4 months, then it is quite possible to believe it. You already got to know each other better and unconsciously managed to compare your partner with others.

  1. Attitude towards your friends

Abuser’s unwillingness to communicate with your friends and girlfriends. I think you have heard about this many times. But! As I see from practice, the “victim” refuses to communicate with friends, it seems to her that this is her true desire.

In fact, the real abuse of the “victim” leads to this decision. How? Just offering an alternative to spending time together. It is important to remember that an alternative appears every time you are about to spend time with friends.

It is necessary and necessary to spend time together, but you should not forget about your life and friends, otherwise you will fall into a “trap”. And then, when you are deeply entrenched in a relationship, the romance suddenly ends, but you also lost your friends.

  1. Jealousy

The manifestation of vivid jealousy, criticism with a “twist”: “It is her own fault, you provoke …”

The most important thing is to instill a sense of guilt in the victim, to show how upset the abuse is and if this continues, then trust will disappear and inevitably parting. But! The most important thing is that there is never such a thing on his part, that he does not give a reason that this is “It seems to you, go get medical treatment.”

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  1. Sexism

As a rule, there are hints of sexism. On the helplessness and “stupidity” of women in general. Just listen to what he says about women, acquaintances, actresses, in what aspect and with what intonation …

If you hear notes of neglect, depreciation, or even disgust, then most likely – this “wave of emotions” will cover you too.

  1. Personal regression

Dissuasion and reasoned objection to your development and personal growth. Instead of support and words “Try, support, help”, will hear “Why, an extra waste, it still won’t work, don’t waste time.”

  1. Emotionality

Rage and a surge of emotions, waving hands in front of the victim’s nose, but so far without physical manifestation.

  1. Control

Excessive control, of course, with your subsequent excuses. Many victims can tolerate this demeanor. Most likely, they lived in a family with overprotection from their mother or father and were accustomed to this attitude.


Dear ones, do not tolerate disrespectful attitude towards yourself and remember these signs – “bells” that can give you a signal of danger in time. If you are in an abusive relationship, do not be afraid to seek help from other people, as it can be very difficult to deal with it on your own.

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