How to survive a betrayal of her husband – effective advice from a psychologist

It all started so banal and cinematic that it took a long time to believe that this was not nonsense. The husband began to wash more often, buy himself socks and change them with manic cleanliness. Previously, this was not observed for him.

Then he suddenly brought home an expensive men’s perfume and began to use it regularly. This, too, rang in my head with some kind of alarm bell, but work, household chores and the child pulled the focus of attention to themselves.

It’s not for nothing that they say that the wife always finds out everything last. And the husband, meanwhile, would come home later and later, explaining this by work, and at home, with a dreamy look, he stared at the computer and immediately turned the screen down when he tried to get closer than three meters to him.

Once he went out to smoke, the computer was “unguarded”, and the bitter truth came out on the screen in the form of endless lines mixing flirting, friendly teasing, gratitude “for yesterday” and a lot of other irrefutable facts that directly shouted: “THIS IS ALL SERIOUS!” …

Still unable to believe what was happening and, hoping that it was a wild mistake, perhaps “I misunderstood everything,” I decided to see everything with my own eyes. The next day I took a taxi and drove to the gates of the factory entrance. The husband got out exactly by the clock, got into the car and drove off. The taxi driver, like a real detective, followed. After a while, the husband parked.

There was no more strength to sit in anticipation, jumped out of the taxi and went to her husband’s car. At first he denied everything and even held out a luxurious bouquet lying in the back seat. Said: “This is for you, even though you are a fool!“And so I wanted to believe that yes, a fool, if not for the second” fool “who had come so inappropriately to the car. The bouquet was meant for her.

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At the first moment it seemed to me that I was seeing everything that was happening as if on a screen. This is not with me, in my life exactly this could not happen. Still not believing in the reality of what happened, I turned around and walked towards the house, not noticing anything around.

At home, feelings seemed to burst out, in a rage I grabbed my husband’s guitar from the wall and began to break and destroy his things until I was exhausted. Then she lay down on the sofa and froze, wrapping her arms around herself. There was only one thought in my head: “Life has collapsed and no longer makes sense.” When my husband returned home and tried to say something, I silently turned to the wall. There was simply no strength to listen or speak.

Thus began a very real story from the life of a very real woman. A story so similar to hundreds of other stories.

“At this moment, in all corners of the world, someone is cheating, or becomes a victim of infidelity, or thinks about the possibility of changing, or gives advice to a person faced with infidelity, or completes a love triangle, playing the role of a secret lover”, – this is how the psychotherapist Esther Perel wrote about infidelity.

How to get over a betrayal of your husband – the first steps

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And the first days, when you tried with all the strength of your soul to push this thought away from you, have passed. They were replaced by dull despair:

• What will we do?
• How to live on?
• How do you find the strength to forgive and keep your family together?

First of all, start thinking of yourself in this situation, not as a victim, but as a winner. After all, you managed to save your family, and your partner made a choice in your favor. This is undoubtedly your victory! Now you are faced with two tasks – forgive resentment and restore relationships.

People often turn to psychologists with the request to “get rid of the resentment.” Some of them hatch plans for revenge, others say that they cannot forgive, let go of their feelings of resentment. Constantly thinking about this, they warm up, feed off their resentment, winding themselves up and justifying it. For instance: “Well, I’m right (or right), but he is not, he did not act fairly (did) and I have every reason to be offended.”

Yes, you seem to have, but who will be worse from this? First of all, the most offended one. I often say that there are children whose knees never seem to heal, but as soon as the next wound heals up with a crust and begins to heal, they pick it open again and again. Surely each of you has seen such children with non-healing knees.

3 ways to get rid of resentment against your husband

If you do not want your soul to look like a broken knee, you will have to try to get rid of your resentment.

Here are 3 ways to help you do this:

1. Realize that resentment takes away the energy and time that you could spend creating and developing something new in your life. Use the negative energy of your resentment, directing it to the realization of some of your own goals. This will move you from the position of a loser to the position of a winner and there will be nothing to worry about.
2. If thoughts about the abuser or situation haunt you, don’t drive them away. On the contrary, give them enough time, for example, an hour in the evening and be sure to every day for at least a week. Sit down, take paper, set a timer for 60 minutes and write in detail everything that you feel and think about this.
3. If possible, ask the abuser to compensate for the harm done to you. It can be either something material or something completely NON-material. In no case should it be tit-for-tat, it should definitely be something that will improve your condition. That is, not “you did me badly, now I will do you badly”, but “You did me badly, now do something good, useful for me.” The direction of movement is not in the direction “let everyone feel bad”, but in the direction “let everyone be good.”

7 rules of communication between spouses after infidelity

As for your relationship, you need to understand that you have, in fact, to rebuild it. Because your old relationship has just brought you to where you are now. The “third” never appears in a strong relationship, he always gives one of the partners what he lacks in marriage. Your task is to learn how to talk and negotiate, to meet the needs of each other within the family. This will take time and effort. And the healthiest way to build a close relationship is to openly discuss all your thoughts and feelings with your partner.

At the same time, try to follow the 7 rules of communication so that your conversations do not turn into scandals with mutual accusations.

Rule 1: no accusations can be made, either directly or indirectly. Since any accusation is perceived by a person as attacks (aggression), and, therefore, will entail retaliatory aggression from the partner.

Rule 2: you cannot put your partner in the position of the guilty one (for example, say: because of what you did, I got sick, etc.). The feeling of guilt destroys a person, and he tries with all his might to get rid of it, even if he admits his own guilt. Sometimes, in order to get rid of the feeling of guilt, people are ready to get rid of the person who causes this feeling in them. You don’t want your husband to leave you for this reason, do you?

Rule 3: you cannot use blackmail. Even explanations are not needed here, any blackmail is an attempt to manipulate another person, who will like it.

Rule 4: you cannot humiliate the partner himself, question his value as a person, for example, “she needed your money, not you”. Because in response, a natural question may arise “if you think that I cannot interest another person in myself, then what do YOU ​​need from me”?

Rule 5: you cannot insult your rival. She is the choice of your partner, as you are, however. And if he has bad taste … I don’t think it’s worth continuing.

Rule 6: you can and should only talk about your thoughts and feelings, starting sentences with the words “I”, “Me”, for example: “I am afraid to lose you”, “I love you.” Express only what you really feel (fear of loss, resentment from betrayal).

Rule 7: you need to talk to any person only when he is ready to listen to you, and you both have enough energy and time to talk.

*****

It is important to remember that if you decide to keep the family, then your task is really to keep it, and not try to “rock” your family boat. This is a difficult time for both partners. And if you manage to overcome it, then this will become your common experience, which will unite you in the future.

Have you ever faced a man’s betrayal? Share with us in the comments!