Mother-in-law, son and daughter-in-law – relationships: psychology and reality
Mother-in-law, her son, daughter-in-law – are there any chances for peaceful coexistence? If your relationship with your husband’s mom is like a battlefield in which each side wants to seize their piece of happiness, then you need to choose the right military strategy.
Since the man (her child) has already started his own family for a long time, the “mother” is very jealous of the one with whom her son lives. Sometimes relations deteriorate because of a baby who has appeared in the family: when the “older” woman wants to teach the “younger”, conflicts begin, the general mood in the house collapses.
The content of the article:
- Causes of conflicts between mother-in-law, son and daughter-in-law
- The most frequent complaints of a mother-in-law to her daughter-in-law
- Relationship test
- How to understand and love a mother-in-law
- How to keep the family together for all three
Causes of conflicts between daughters-in-law and mother-in-law
Mother-in-law – from other Russian translates as “own blood”, “blood to all.” Probably, many will agree with the latter value.
Even when you first meet your husband’s mother, you can say with confidence whether she will take an active part in your life. Understanding the nature of the mother-in-law, temperament, manner and ways of communication is very important for maintaining peace in the family.
If a woman who has raised her husband has already retired and feels well, she has enough free time and energy to raise her grandchildren. For some it is help, for others it is torment. This is especially true for women who are accustomed to leadership.
But, if both women are initially positively disposed towards each other, they have every chance to build harmonious relationships.
The most frequent complaints against the daughter-in-law from the mother-in-law – from which side to expect nagging
According to the time-tested scenario, four topics usually become critical:
- Caring for the head of the family (her son).
- Nursing and parenting principles.
- Unprofitable work
All this is viewed by the young mistress as a mockery of her psyche, humiliation of her dignity, a shot at pride.
How to understand if a mother-in-law violates boundaries in a relationship with a daughter-in-law – test
If someone suspects two or three points of the following violations, then it may be worth revising the rules of conduct with the mother-in-law:
- He actively interferes with the personal life and space of a young family.
- Imposes his point of view regarding washing, cleaning, cooking.
- I am sure that the daughter-in-law will not cope with the baby.
- Appears in the house without ringing or warning.
- He walks around the apartment like an “inspector”.
- Does not coordinate his actions with the child’s parents.
- Inserts “dirty” remarks, such as: “spoil”, “feed incorrectly”, etc.
- Viewer position. Such a deliberate avoidance of a collision. For example, a rhetorical question was asked to his son, “Are you well fed here, child?” Just stop responding to words and criticism addressed to you.
- Master Class. For example, she is unhappy with the way her daughter-in-law cooks, or demonstrates that she cooks better. In this case, the easiest way is to ask for aerobatics, with a detailed description of the recipe and marked “approved”. Subsequently, new topics of conversation may arise.
- The feeling of being in demand. Perhaps Granny wants to help? We will not interfere – and we will provide the scope of work. Moreover, there are always a lot of things to do: pet, cook, take a walk with the baby. Make it clear to the person that her labors are not in vain. Be sure to thank for your help!
- We share our experience. With an attentive look, we listen to advice, and something “we take note of.” In fact, a wise woman can be useful in everyday matters.
- Ability to compromise. It is not worth taking everything in advance “with hostility”. If bottle feeding is harmful to the baby’s health, in the opinion of the husband’s mother, it is worth explaining your opinion politely and intelligibly, giving several facts. She will probably agree.
- Words of gratitude. Each person has its own pros and cons in character, and some things she really can do better, thanks to repeated experience. The ability to admit and talk about it will make the daughter-in-law more grateful in the eyes of her mother-in-law. 10 mother-in-law’s polite responses to all the tips and teachings on how to live right
- We look to the future. Every grandmother is looking forward to the birth of her grandchildren, and love for them is incomparable with love for children who have grown up long ago. To prohibit seeing and communicating with children is to offend the feelings of the mother-in-law. A young mother may be deprived of help around the house and a “free nanny”. True, there are cases when grandmothers are not interested in grandchildren and communication with them, but in a few years the situation may change dramatically. In any case, there is no need to quarrel.
- Consistency and patience. It takes a long time to establish contact with the mother-in-law. It is not always possible to build communication skills correctly, not all mothers-in-law “give up quickly”. Over time, looking at her daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law realizes that she is not such a bad wife and mother. Through a thorny path, you can acquire a reliable friend and helper. The main thing is to bide your time.
- Put yourself in her place. To look at the situation through the eyes of a mother-in-law: it is very important for her to know and see that two loved ones (son and grandson) are fed, healthy, happy. If mom doesn’t notice this, she instinctively starts to worry. Let the mother-in-law take care of your child and husband, because she is also used to doing this, only in her own way. When the mother-in-law is not disposed to help the young family, refuses requests to take a walk with the baby, then unexpected forays into the house will cease to be more frequent.
A man needs both a mother and a wife. And, if the latter does not show respect for the former, the husband finds himself between two fires. A man will appreciate and respect more the woman who will treat his mother favorably.
How should a daughter-in-law behave?
- Politeness will save the world… Behaving correctly and delicately in relation to the husband’s parents is the first rule of etiquette. Take an interest in health, offer your help, remember the dates of birth, remind your husband of them, give gifts – in a word, maintain a warm relationship.
- The mother-in-law is always right. You need to come to terms with this fact. Not to contradict, and not to prove her incompetence – this will provoke resentment, and only anger the all-knowing granny. Strict courtesy rules apply, as on a first date.
- Don’t complain about your husband! There are no perfect men, and she knows it very well. Saying insulting words to her son out loud is tantamount to saying about her poor parenting of her child. Such words are put in a humiliating position.
- Don’t complain about your mother-in-law! It’s like telling a loved one that he has a bad mother. Nobody forces a mother-in-law to love, but she deserves respect.
- NEVER give your husband a choice! And even more so – not to set him up against his own mother. In one situation, he will be on the side of his wife, in another – on the side of his mother. If the newlyweds understand each other, talk, act at the same time, conflict situations can be easily resolved.
It is important for a man to make it clear to his mother that he is always on the side of his family. But on household issues related to the economy, it is better to talk tete-a-tete.
An adult and wise father will talk to his mother first and hint that his home is the territory of his family, where everyone is protected. And, even if the wife is wrong, he will not let anyone offend her.
Can a mother-in-law become the culprit of a divorce – how to prevent a crisis and smooth out the rough edges in a relationship
- If suddenly the mother-in-law notices the rudeness on the part of her son in relation to her daughter-in-law, who is trying with all her might to be a good wife, perhaps she will take the weak side and intercede. No man can stand against double female solidarity!
- If, upon arriving home, a mother discovers that her child is dressed in the wrong clothes, or combed in the wrong way, you should not blame your helper for this. The child will not suffer from this in any way!
- An intelligent woman will try to forgive her mother-in-law – and herself for a violent reaction to her. Motherhood gives a woman a chance to become wiser. Someone should be above all grievances and reproaches. And most women take the place of “mother-in-law” just when menopause comes. Increased irritability, nervousness, impatience, are pushed into actions “in the heat of the moment”, which are then ashamed to admit.
- To maintain good relations with the husband’s parents or with the wife’s parents, a young family should start their life together separately. It is quite easy to maintain good relations at a distance, in comparison with living together, because you do not need to run a common household, distribute the budget, obey someone, please. But the realities of reality show the opposite: after the wedding, young people move to the territory of a husband or wife, or even rent a house. If life makes you live with your mother-in-law under the same roof, you need to make concessions, otherwise divorce cannot be avoided. It is better to immediately agree on who will be engaged in cooking, cleaning, and who will manage the family’s budget. The daughter-in-law should be ready to take the place of an ordinary soldier in the command staff.
One effective way to combat pride and resentment is an attempt to look at what is happening in terms of excitement… Ask yourself: is it really impossible to achieve the location of your mother-in-law?
Try to adopt mother-in-law as your own mother, give flowers, compliment her appearance, communicate with her on women’s topics.
Caring for a husband, a childthat does not demand anything in return will ultimately bring an understanding of the truth. Even deep down, she will definitely appreciate the efforts. This is also a small victory!
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