What to do if the husband has changed: advice and practice of a psychologist

The threat of treason arises when a mutual distance between spouses occurs, the depth and trust of the relationship is violated.

A direct act of treason is the culmination of an intra-family crisis that has ripened over time.

Regardless of who cheated on whom, the cause of betrayal will always be an explicit or latent disorder of the relationship in a couple.

The pain of treason must be lived

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Cheating always brings pain to the one who has been cheated on. And the coming of an unfaithful spouse to confess will not make the situation much easier. For someone who has survived the betrayal of agreements and hopes, the world will never be the same again.

The pain of the cheated woman brings her back to her childhood trauma of rejection.

The very image of the “ideal mom” or “dad” that we “pulled” onto our partner during the period of falling in love is being destroyed. We cease to feel that unconditional trust in a spouse, which is characteristic of small children in relation to their parents.

Relationships cease to be perceived by us as predictably safe, and the husband – as a white and fluffy cat, incapable of deception, betrayal and causing suffering.

As you go through the pain of cheating, be prepared to work with the loss.

Don’t stop yourself from experiencing anger, resentment, frustration, and sadness. Give your inner child an opportunity to cry into the pillow.

Only when the pain begins to subside, and emotions are sorted out on the shelves, you will have a clear understanding of the situation and the opportunity to make intelligent choices based on understanding what you really want from the relationship.

Any decision of the spouses must be deliberate.

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You don’t have to make a decision alone – the future of your family depends equally on both of you.

Any decision made in a couple regarding the further development of events must be a conscious decision of two adults, responsible and psychologically mature people.

It so happens that both understand that the current relationship no longer has a future. In this case, the conversation will be short – a divorce. Try to end the relationship environmentally, without sinking into mutual insults and showdowns.

In the course of reflection and conversation, spouses may also come to the conclusion that the value of the relationship many times outweighs the mistake made by one of them. Some people choose to stay together because of:

  • common children;
  • business;
  • many years of habit to each other.

The motives for preserving the family can be very different, but for further harmonious life, in any case, it will be necessary to restore the intra-family balance.

3 Steps to Recovering a Relationship After Cheating

The following algorithm is successfully used in their practice by psychotherapists working according to the method of systemic family therapy.

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Consider an example in which a husband cheated on his wife:

  • The first step the restoration of relations after infidelity should be the repentance of a man. Let the husband sincerely ask his wife for forgiveness.

Listen carefully and accept the apology. Don’t try to play prosecutor – give your spouse a chance to make amends.

  • Second step – termination of all contacts with the homeless woman. In your presence, a man should call his mistress and announce the breakup, and then delete her contact from the phone’s memory.

This applies not only to the phone number, but also to accounts on any social networks. You must remain confident that this story is over for your spouse.

  • The third step will be a valuable / expensive gift to the wife from her husband. Let her choose the gift herself. This gift will be an important symbolic gesture to restore balance.

The scheme described above helps to restore the balance of relations in a couple after infidelity and prevent the possible psychological consequences of adultery.

How to forgive your husband after cheating

What is a woman to do? Her task is to truly forgive the unfaithful spouse. Forgiving a cheater is not the same as swallowing a grudge and letting him continue to do whatever he wants.

When we talk about forgiveness, we are talking about ending the emotional dependence on the situation. First of all, forgiveness is necessary for the woman herself.

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Otherwise, she will continue to remain inside the conflict even if the relationship ends. An incomplete and unworked separation will lead to the inevitable repetition of old mistakes in new relationships.

The end result of the situation for a woman should be the acquisition of inner integrity. Without the return of intrinsic value, she will continue to be dependent on the cheater.

After all this, the spouses conclude an agreement between themselves never to remember what happened. The crisis is reset, and a new page opens in the history of the family.

But before that, you need to sincerely forgive the unfaithful husband.

Forgiveness Technique

I will share with you one of the most effective techniques for forgiveness.

Take a sheet paper and write down on it all negative emotions and experiences associated with the person. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings – the more sincere your letter is, the better the result will be.

The next day take a second piece of paper and write down any remaining emotions that continue to bother you.

On the third day take the third piece of paper and write about how your life has improved thanks to what happened between you. It will be difficult at first, but in the end you should feel light and liberated.

At the end of the practice burn a piece of paper. This symbolic gesture will become a cleansing ritual for you.

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Restoring trust within the family

A couple who manages to survive the crisis of infidelity enters a new level of relationship. The husband and wife are faced with a new task – the careful, gradual restoration of intra-family trust.

It is important to remember that the newfound trust will no longer be the same as it used to be, and do not harbor illusions about it.

How to start trusting your husband again – effective advice

Don’t get stuck in a victim state. Instead of wasting your mental resource on self-pity, invest it in self-improvement.

Become self-sufficient. Having your own interests and hobbies will help you to reduce the degree of anxiety and tension.

Be honest and open with your spouse. It is impossible to restore trust in a man-in-a-case state.

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Have you ever had to forgive treason? Share with us in the comments!

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