His previous marriage was not the best one. Behind him is a divorce and a “suitcase” of the first experience of family life.
Perhaps even a difficult experience with a “spoon in half” and “out of sight, out of mind” divorce. And like a man he is free – there are no barriers to new relationships, but something sucks in the stomach – is it worth it?
COLADY will tell you what a woman should know who is going to build a relationship with a divorced man. It is important!
Pros and cons of dating a divorced man
A rare woman will say that a divorce in the biography of her man is nothing. At the very least, the bad experiences of his family life are taken with dismay. After all, a divorced man is, on the one hand, a lot of positive moments, and on the other, a lot of difficulties for the woman who is going to become his new second half.
Cons of a relationship with a divorced man:
- In the life baggage of a divorced man – the whole set of impressions of life with a woman. And most often (according to tradition) the bad is recalled. That is, hysteria, whims, character mismatch, “where is the money, Wan?” In order not to suddenly hear “all of you women …” and not to become another “former”, you have to carefully choose your words and be careful in your actions.
- Once burnt, a man reluctantly enters into a new relationship. And if you have entered, you will not be in a hurry with the proposal of a hand and heart. Relationships can go on for quite a long time at the sluggish stage “and let me go to you today.”
- If he was the initiator of the divorce, then you will be haunted for a long time by the thought – “what if he will do the same to me.”
- If his wife was the initiator of the divorce, then this “sore callus” will heal for a long time, and your task is to heal it so that not even scars remain. Unfortunately, it is a common situation when a new “love” is just a means to forget the old one. Such a relationship, except to a dead end, can lead nowhere.
- If there are children left in the marriage, you will have to come to terms with his frequent visits to his ex-wife, as well as the fact that children will occupy a rather impressive part of his life – always.
- Divorced men are accustomed to a certain way of life and the role of women in her. If his ex-wife washed his socks with a pin, and you just throw them into the washing machine, he will involuntarily compare you. And not always in your favor.
- If he regularly complains about your ex and seeks sympathy, and you indulge him and generously sprinkle this very sympathy with a full spoon, then sooner or later he will start looking for a woman who sees in him not a squishy ex-wife-infection, but a real macho.
Pros of a relationship with a divorced man:
- He knows the value of a serious relationship. He will not rush, but if the relationship starts, the knot will be strong.
- He knows what a woman wants how to calm her down, what pitfalls need to be avoided, where to put the removed socks and remove the cap from the toothpaste.
- He has a serious sexual experience. According to statistics, a divorced man in sex is more liberated and “talented” than a man who married for the first time.
- He drew conclusions from his first family experience. A rare case when a man again steps on the same rake. Therefore, he himself will make mistakes very rarely, and he will not let you – he already knows how to “predict” the weather in the house, tame a personal “dragon” in a skirt and heal female anger with kisses.
Commentary by psychologist Irina Baburina
Should you start a relationship with a divorced man?
To begin with, I want to say that a divorced man is not a fatal diagnosis.
But the question is put in such a way that it seems that you want to get a “magic pill” in advance and shift the responsibility onto a psychologist? And what does it mean in the context of the question “starting a relationship”? The fact that you go on dates, communicate with a man, spend time with him is not a relationship. Even if you’ve already jumped into bed, this is not a relationship. It’s just closeness.
A relationship is when a man is ready to take responsibility for a woman and you live together. On its territory. Otherwise, it is useless to count on the success of the event.
It is very important to listen and hear attentively at the first stages of acquaintance! Be sure to get answers to these questions:
- How long has a man been divorced, has he already been able to recover?
- What does he say about his ex-wife?
- What caused the divorce?
- Does it fully contain children or is hiding from alimony?
- Does assault on women and children allow?
- What conclusions did he draw and what he expects from the relationship with you?
Everything that you hear will equally concern you in the future.
Now many men go to therapy with a psychologist, but after it 90% try to build a new relationship with … ..wife! From the pros: a man (sorry for the metaphor, I do not want to offend a man in any way, I am accustomed to the tray. He already lived in a family. He knows how a bachelor life differs from a family one. This man understands the level of responsibility that is placed on him. Ideally, he already knows exactly what he wants to get from the relationship and what he doesn’t want. He also knows what he can and wants to give. This is, if briefly, for everyone. But in each individual case there can be many nuances.
Reasons why a divorced man wants a new relationship with a woman
For a divorced man “Fresh” relationships can be a way to “forget”, and suddenly came true love. Feelings cannot be classified, so the second option is not discussed (if love is love, and there is no point in unnecessary “philosophy”).
So why is a divorced man looking for a new relationship?
- Looking for compassion… A man needs moral support in order to “lick old wounds” and a vest in which to “sob”. This situation does not paint a man and does not give him anything to a new woman, who in 99% expects the fate of an abandoned wife.
- Looking for housing… Sometimes it happens. The ex-wife left, and with her – the apartment and everything that was acquired by back-breaking labor. And you need to live somewhere. Well, do not shoot in the end. And if to this free housing there is also a bonus in the form of a pleasant woman who feeds, regrets and puts to sleep – then this is just “bingo”!
- A man is an ordinary opportunist. The habit is to live at the expense of a woman. First at the expense of his mother, then his wife, after the divorce – at the expense of the one who will fall before his unearthly charm. If only she was caught economically, not greedy, quiet and submissive – so that it would be comfortable to sit on her neck.
- Fallen self-esteem… When a wife, having packed her suitcases, goes into the night, filtering through her teeth something impartial and offending male feelings, the involuntary desire for self-affirmation will pursue the divorced man until he is convinced otherwise. With a new woman, he will understand that he is still irresistible, damn charming, not greedy and “oh-ho-ho”, and not as the former said.
- Banal revenge. In this case, the new woman is unlikely to become a legitimate beloved wife. It will remain one of the pages in the life of a divorced man, on which a check mark will be put – “two or three more, and I am avenged.” Moreover, most often this new woman turns out to be a friend of her ex-wife – if she really bites, then it hurts.
Is it worth starting a relationship with a divorced man – the opinion of the family psychologist Natalia Lubina
Divorce is an important biographical fact, although not a key one. If a person has a marriage behind him, then there is a high probability that he has experience in building relationships, that some complexes and problems have been worked out, and that there is a skill to overcome conflicts. You can count on the adequacy of the person.
Having been in a serious relationship at least once, your chosen one gets a chance to get around the “rake” that he entered in the past. But to make the likelihood of all these elaborations higher, find out how long ago there was a divorce. If only recently, not more than six months, then you should be more careful and attentive. Perhaps the “wound” in a person’s soul is still healing, and you will become a “plantain” whose task is to heal the wound.
Before building a relationship with a divorced man, pay attention to how many divorces there are in his “history”. If there is more than one, then the likelihood that the problems have been worked out is reduced. Rather, the same unconscious scenario is triggered over and over again. However, having a divorce is not a key factor. In practice, I have come across a lot of situations when good, adequate people get divorced for a variety of reasons (for example, a very young age and parental pressure). The main thing is that both of you want to build relationships and be open to dialogue.
How to build a relationship with a divorced man – 8 rules for wise women
- Divorced man, really hard going through divorce, is unlikely to cry about this to his new woman. And in general, real men do not discuss their problems and do not like to answer uncomfortable questions.
- You should not take his side if he suddenly opened up – “This is an infection, well, you should have gotten yourself so badly!” Be neutral and just be a listener. Talking about his ex-wife will not do your relationship good.
- Don’t try to outsmart his ex-wife in the culinary and other arts. If he really fell in love with you, it’s not because you cook borscht better than his ex. Be yourself.
- If a man speaks badly about his ex – this at least characterizes him not from the best side.
- Don’t be jealous of a man about his past. If love is real, it doesn’t matter what and with whom he had – this is already a closed book. And you have your own, from scratch.
- A divorced man is internally always ready for divorce. This is a psychological “law” from which you can’t get away. Firstly, a man is already prepared in advance for problems in relationships, and secondly, he will not weigh the pros and cons for a long time if the thought of parting arises (he already has experience).
- Do not rush to take on all the problems of your man. This also applies to “psychological assistance to a divorced man” and material problems. Do not rush to hand him the keys to your apartment, give him your salary and … get married. Time will tell – is it your prince or just a divorced man who needs housing, a “vest” and a pretty comforter.
- Find out the reason for the divorce and pay attention to the voluntary and involuntary behavior of the man. A divorced man may turn out to be an eternal “child” who cannot exist without a “mother” – without buns for tea, borscht, ironed shirts and soup in a jar to take to work. Or a despot, from whom the ex-wife just ran away in the middle of the night.
Have you ever had to build a relationship with a divorced man? Share your experience in the comments!
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