How to live after a divorce if you are over 40 – we asked this question to an experienced psychotherapist.
All of us, on a subconscious level, are afraid of loneliness. But one of the most difficult moments in a woman’s life is divorce after years of marriage. Moreover, if the woman is already over 40. The collapse of marriage, the collapse of hopes, and it seems that there is only darkness ahead.
But in reality – life is just beginning!
The main reasons for divorce after 40 years – is the crisis to blame, or something else?
It makes no sense to consider the banal reason “did not agree”. People can not “disagree with characters”, having lived more than a dozen years in marriage. And even if you have lived for 3-5 years, it also makes no sense to consider, because we are not talking about adolescents, but about adults who perfectly understand – with whom they are creating a family. Life after a divorce does not end! Remember that.
So, what are the reasons for the divorce of people who have crossed the 40-year threshold?
Personal life after divorce can be improved. It all depends on you, dear ladies.
- Gray hair in the beard. One of the most “popular” reasons. Moreover, the initiator of parting in this case is most often a man. A woman at this age is too strongly attached to her family and understands too well that she is no longer as attractive as 20 years ago. “Young pretty face” broke more than one family, alas.
- The children grew up, and nothing in common remained. This means that love is long gone. And there was only the expectation of the moment when the kids would get on their feet, and the conscience for the divorce would not torment.
- Lost touch with each other. They became uninteresting to each other. No love, no passion, no attraction, nothing to talk about. Or one has gone far ahead in self-development (and in everything else), and the second has remained on the same step. A conflict of worldviews is inevitable.
- Career. They just forgot that they are family. The race up the career ladder and extraneous interests took so much that there was nothing left for the two of them. Common interests are a thing of the past.
- Everyday life and fatigue from each other. Few people manage to keep this deck of a family boat intact. Gray everyday life is usually overwhelming, and instead of “dear, what do you cook for breakfast” and “darling, grab your favorite cakes on the way home from work?” come “let me read in peace, I’m tired” and “call the plumber, I have no time for leaking taps.” Little by little, love begins to drown in these gray everyday life and one day it goes to the bottom completely.
- Finance. This reason can manifest itself in different ways. 1 – he does not like to be overworked, but she “plows in 3 shifts”. 2 – he earns enough, but treats her like a kept woman. 3 – she earns more than him, and male pride is hurt and crushed. And so on. The result is the same everywhere: scandals, misunderstanding, divorce.
- They have changed. He became too heavy to climb, rude, hot-tempered, always tired and irritated, in old slippers and stretched tights. Or she is always tired and irritated, with “migraines” in the evenings, with cucumbers on her face and in an old dressing gown. Those two who wanted to please each other every minute are gone. And if they do not exist, then love too.
- Alcohol. Alas, this is also a common reason. More often – from the side of the man. Tired of fighting, the woman simply files for divorce.
There may be more reasons than we have listed. But the most important one remains: two people stop listening and hearing, understanding and trusting each other.
A woman’s life in 40 years after divorce – sketches from life
Of course, a divorce after 40 years is extremely painful if the couple have lived together for many years full of events.
Women always take this blow as personal betrayal…
There are not so many scenarios for such partings:
- He finds a young replacement for the “old” wife and creates a new family. The “old” wife falls into depression, withdraws into herself, moves away from everyone and locks herself in her “cell” to roar into the pillow.
- He’s leaving. She calmly lets him go, silently putting the suitcase on the stairs, and after burning for a couple of minutes, goes headlong into self-love – now there is definitely time for yourself and your dreams.
- He’s leaving. She comes to the conclusion that she is already old and useless. Inferiority complexes begin not just to “suck in the spoon”, but to beat the drums. The collapse of hopes sheds burning tears without interruption. Support is definitely indispensable.
- He’s leaving. She, accustomed to a life supported by her husband, remains at a broken trough – without a job, a livelihood and even a chance to get an adequate salary. These cases are considered the most difficult, because an abandoned woman is half the trouble, and a woman abandoned without a job is already a serious problem. If the wife is not used to working, then it will be much more difficult to join an independent life.
How less painful to survive a divorce for a woman over 40 – we gain calmness and self-confidence
To reduce the intensity of passions and find more or less firm ground under your feet, you should first of all remember the main “taboos”.
So, what absolutely must not be done after a divorce? The psychotherapist answers:
- Try to hold him back. It is unlikely that he flirts with you (men at this age do not sin with such “checks”), so do not try to cry, beg to stay, exchange his location for the promise “everything is for you, just stay”, etc. Remember your pride and dignity! Let him go. Let him go.
- Fall into nostalgia. Stop sorting through photos, shedding tears for happy moments from the past, waiting for his steps on the stairs and calls on the phone. It’s over, and expectations are meaningless – they only exacerbate your condition.
- Pour alcohol or pills over grief.
- To take revenge. This can include both daring plans such as “pulling out the braids of this young infection” or “I will suck everything from the bastard, leave without pants”, and gossip and other nasty things that a former woman dissolves about her husband. Both are unworthy of a wise woman (no matter how offended and insulted she may be). Do not stoop to such actions in any case – it will negatively reflect on you.
- Wait for his return. Don’t get your hopes up. Even the smallest chance of his return cannot be left. You will only wear yourself out with meaningless expectations. It is extremely rare for men to return to their families after a breakup at this age.
- Drop your arms and go with the flow. You are not a cat thrown out into the street by the owner. And not a suitcase without a handle. You are an adult, beautiful, self-sufficient woman who can do everything! And that’s it! Other options are not discussed.
- Revel in self-pity. And let others feel sorry for you. Of course, you can cry for a day or two, smear mascara on your cheeks, throw his gifts against the wall, shred joint photographs out of anger, etc. But no more! You have a new life – full of new joys and impressions!
- Go headlong into work and devote yourself entirely to grandchildren and children. You are not 100 years old, and it is too early to give up on yourself. Very soon you will realize that 40 years is the very beginning of a new life, fantastically interesting and generous with gifts.
- Look for a replacement for her husband. This is not the case when “wedge wedge …”. Nothing good awaits you if you go all out, only disappointment. Don’t look for anyone, take care of yourself and your unfulfilled dreams. And your half (exactly half!) – she herself will find you.
- Falling to your children like snow on their heads. Yes, they are worried about you and sympathize with you very much, but this does not mean that you urgently need to unleash an avalanche of their attention and care on already adult children, who simply do not need so much of your attention.
- Panic about being alone.
Yes, at first it will be unusual to sleep, eat, watch a movie alone, come home to an empty house, cook for oneself and not rush to work. But very soon you will find in this situation and a lot of pluses!
How to live at 40 after a divorce – learning to be happy and successful!
Well, who told you that after forty there is no life, no happiness, and nothing at all? You were not abandoned – you were released! And the reason, most likely, is far from you.
Therefore, we stop feeling sorry for ourselves and confidently treading the road of success and happiness!
- We begin the operation – “let everyone be stunned by how I look!”… Take care of your body, skin, hair. You must be irresistible and look your best. Change your hairstyle, change your style, change your handbag, furniture in your apartment, your diet and your lifestyle.
- We are looking for pluses in a new life, free from the “monster and satrap”! It is necessary. In order not to get discouraged on long winter evenings, occupy them with something that you could not afford during your family life. Surely you have dreams and plans that you never got around to. By the way, now you can calmly lie on the couch in what your mother gave birth and with cucumbers on your face, drink a cocktail through a straw and watch snotty-strawberry melodramas, which he did not like so much. You can also not cook, but simply order dinner at a restaurant. Well, in general, there is a lot more that you can do when no one demands dinner, doesn’t shake your nerves, doesn’t occupy the TV and doesn’t spoil the mood with your sour physiognomy and “pumped” beer torso.
- Getting rid of complexes! Immediately and categorically. You have no shortcomings! Some dignity. It’s just that some of them need to be slightly corrected.
- Public opinion – to the light! To “blacklist” him. Usually there is no sincerity under the sympathy of numerous “girlfriends”, relatives and colleagues. Or routine questions, or the habit of “rummaging through someone else’s underwear,” or just curiosity. Therefore, make it a rule – not to discuss your divorce, your condition and your opinion “about that parasite” with anyone. This is nobody’s business. Believe me, it will become much easier for you when you start kicking “sympathizers” with simple and accessible “none of your business”.
- Engage in self-development. What did you really want, but your hands did not reach? Maybe an artist, landscape designer or realtor is sleeping in you? Or maybe you dreamed of going to directing courses? Or have you wanted to learn pole dancing for a long time? The time has come! Don’t waste it on TV shows, crosswords and cat breeding.
- Let’s make our dream come true! Dreams – they must come true. And right now you need to start with the very first and most important. What did you always really, really want, but your husband was against (there was no money, children interfered, etc.)? Do you remember? Forward – to its implementation! There are no more obstacles on the way to your dream.
- Learn to be a positive person. Start with your environment and the micro-world around you. Now exclusively: beautiful things, nice people, kind and funny films, favorite procedures, etc. Live so that every day brings you joy!
- Need to speak out, and no one? Start your blog under an assumed name. Or a page on a literary site (by the way, do you have, by any chance, the talent of a writer or poet?). And pour your heartbreaking stories there! Just remember to change the names. Here you – and the extra negativity “drain”, and practice in writing (beautiful speech and your own style have not bothered anyone yet), and communicate with people in the comments.
- Feel like a woman. You don’t have to go to a monastery, and you don’t have to wait for the end of the mourning. Of course, you shouldn’t rush under the first pretty “train”, but you don’t need to sit up “in girls” – for a diamond to shine, it needs a frame! And the cut. So go to a beauty salon and do not deny yourself anything (we live once, after all).
- Change jobs if you dreamed of another or just decided to change everything “inside and out.” The main thing is that you have enough for all your dreams and little joys.
- Don’t be alone at home. Get in the habit of always getting out somewhere. Not in order to suddenly meet the prince, but simply for yourself. To the theater, to the pool, to the cinema, just sit in a cafe with a book, etc.
Divorce after forty – the collapse of hopes? Complete nonsense! Do you want to be happy – as they say, be happy!
And start loving yourself already – stop living for others!
Have you had similar situations in your family life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!
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