Each cell of society – a young family – dreams of its own square meters in order to live separately from relatives, to feel like a master and mistress in their own house. But sometimes circumstances develop in such a way that the newlyweds have to live with their parents, and at the same time each family member needs to make an effort to maintain a warm, sincere atmosphere in the house.
Is it possible for newlyweds to live with their parents – say psychologists.
The content of the article:
A young family lives with parents – the pros and cons of living with parents
- If a young family does not have the means to buy or rent a house, then living together with their parents will help to save enough money to purchase their own living space. See also: How can a young family get a loan to buy a home?
- The positive family experience of the older generation, built on trust, mutual respect and understanding, will help a young couple to build relationships on the same principles.
- When two families live under one roof, household issues are much easier to solve. For example, while the daughter-in-law is at work, the mother-in-law can cook dinner for the whole family, and after dinner, the daughter-in-law can easily wash the dishes. Or the son-in-law on the day off will help to dig up potatoes for the father-in-law in the country, which is intended for the whole family.
- Intimate conversations between parents and children can help strengthen intergenerational relationships. By the way, from such conversations you can learn a lot about your soulmate, which will help to reveal your chosen one from all sides.
All these points can be attributed to pluses. But, as you know, each coin has two sides. So in the joint residence of a young family with parents there is negative sides:
- After the wedding, at the initial stage of cohabitation, the young people experience a period of rubbing in and getting used to each other. This process is very difficult for both spouses. Added to this is the need to form friendly relations with parents. Not every young family will be able to withstand such a double burden.
- The emerging conflicts with parents at the household level (the daughter-in-law put the plate in the wrong place, the son-in-law refused to go fishing with his father-in-law in his free time, etc.) do not contribute to the strengthening of the young family, but on the contrary, they add quarrels to the relationship between the young spouses. See also: How can a daughter-in-law maintain a good relationship with her mother-in-law?
- It is very difficult for parents to resist not to give advice, to impose their opinion on a young family. They just need to be advised how to raise their children, solve household issues and spend the family budget. Psychologists say that it is for this reason that young families most often break up.
- By the way, if one of the spouses wants to live with their parents, motivating it “so as not to offend them,” this is an alarming signal that speaks of the partner’s inability to live independently, as well as personally make decisions and be responsible for them. He is dependent on his parents, and if you accept the situation, you will have to live by their rules. See also: Is your man a mama’s boy?
Living with the parents of a husband or wife: the most common causes of conflicts between a young family and parents
I remember a monologue from a famous film: “I really respect your parents. But, thank God, I’m not an orphan. Why do I have to constantly adjust to your parents? If I do something, it is examined under a microscope. It’s such tension! “
Every family has its own rules and traditions… The spouse who will live with other people’s parents will always feel “out of place”.
- Most often, conflicts break out on domestic grounds, for example: the daughter-in-law splashes in the bathroom for a long time or cooked borscht differently than her mother-in-law. And the son-in-law, instead of going to the market, as his father-in-law usually does, sleeps until 10 in the morning. The constant moralizing of parents causes negative emotions, which then pour out either on the parents or on each other.
- Another common cause of conflict is the topic of parenting.… Grandparents, who are accustomed to raising a child in the old-fashioned way, impose this system on young parents who, perhaps, would like to raise their baby according to modern methods.
- Financial claims arise sooner or later. Parents who pay utility bills in full, buy household appliances for their home (washing machine, microwave oven, stove) and other items used by everyone, in the end, they get tired of it, reproaches and misunderstandings will begin.
How to live with your parents and maintain a great relationship – ways out of difficult situations
If a young family lives with their parents, then they must remember that the owners of the living space where they live are the parents, and their opinion will have to be taken into account.
- To make life together for everyone as comfortable as possible (as much as possible), everyone needs to communicate be polite, do not raise your voice, try to understand the interlocutor…
- Parents need to try to be patient., do not impose your opinion, if you give advice, then in a delicate form.
- Everyone should help each other in difficult times., support, encouragement if a young family or parents have problems.
- Desirable, more before living together with parents, draw clear boundariesy: discuss questions about paying for utilities, raising children, etc.
Living with the parents of a wife or husband can even be very comfortable, calm and convenient if there is no too close connection between the parents and their child. And if mommy still does not dare to give her child to some kind of “idiot” or “armless daughter-in-law,” then it is better to make every effort to quickly live separately.
Commentary by a practicing psychologist Alexander Yaroshevsky
A young family lives with their parents – how not to spoil relations when living together?
When two housewives collide in the same kitchen, regardless of their relationship, this is always a subject for conflict, no matter how tolerant of each other they may be. Sooner or later, a situation will arise when someone is dissatisfied with someone. In addition, conflicts will arise against the background of value differences (and they certainly exist, because the older and younger generations rarely share a common platform of values, and this is absolutely normal).
Therefore, my great advice is that if a young family has the opportunity to live separately from their parents, you need to use all possible methods, because this is the only way you will be able to maintain good relations with each other. If you live with a man’s family, his parents will always side with their son.
Conflict situations are inevitable, and regardless of the correctness of their son, parents in any case will support him. The wife, in turn, will experience very intense emotional discomfort, and over time will begin to put forward conditions to part ways. On this basis, new conflicts will arise. The same course of events will be in the case of the woman’s parents, since they will take the side of their daughter.
On rare occasions, the wife’s parents take the man’s side. But then the conflict simply changes its vector and arises between the wife and her own parents, because there is a division “ours-yours”. This is a very serious problem, and the current economic situation does not always allow us to leave. But if there is an opportunity – you need to immediately live separately.
If there is no such possibility, six months is a sufficient period for everyone to live together and accumulate for the first mortgage payment, or somehow resolve the issue of separate housing. During these six months, it is rarely possible to spoil relations with parents so much that later it would be impossible to restore them. Six months later, it will be more difficult, because the worlds, values, requirements for each other among generations are very different, it has always been, is and will be.
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