Treason through the eyes of a psychologist – is it necessary to forgive a traitor

The word “treason” scares everyone. It always means pain, suffering and the loss of something important. But is it really that bad? I spoke with a psychologist who consulted couples who have experienced cheating. In this material I will share with you the story of my good friend who was once cheated on by her beloved husband.

They say that a woman who is devoted once will never be the same again. For a long time my friend collected herself in parts, clearly realizing that she would never forgive her cheating husband. Is she right in her categorical position? Let’s deal with a psychologist.

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The first step is to start noticing

It all started with the hair on the jacket. The suspected husband denied: “Honey, it’s just a dog at work started up! You should have seen how beautiful she is! ” But she did not believe, realizing that her husband had a mistress.

Under the weight of past experiences, my friend closed in on herself. It was difficult to realize that she had been betrayed. She became insanely scared. She endlessly replayed the most terrible scenarios in her head. But her worst nightmare materialized.

Very soon her husband came home with a girl. Both were unconscious, drunk and talking nonsense. After collecting her things, she came to me in search of an overnight stay and support.

You might be interested in: Is adultery a reason to break up or an excuse to rebuild the relationship? Dealing with a psychologist

Save yourself plan

To be honest, I was not surprised when a friend told me about her husband’s infidelity. However, it was difficult for me to share her grief, since I always understood that traitors cannot be forgiven.

I believe that the person who has cheated deserves only removal. You should not interact with him in any way, because this will not lead to anything good, and for both.

A friend said that she was insanely afraid to leave her husband. She has no home, no apartment, no normal job. I did not try to persuade her, because I know that when a woman is in grief, she should be listened to and supported, and not reproached and “overwhelmed” with counterarguments.

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I persuaded my friend to consult with my good friend, she is a family psychologist, Natalia Kaptsova. Together they developed a plan called “New Life”. It included the following items:

  1. Cry as much as possible and talk about your pain (Yes, yes, yes, you shouldn’t hold back grief, otherwise it will transform into illness).
  2. Distance from her cheating husband, albeit for a while.
  3. Avoid violent showdowns.
  4. As much as possible get hung up on yourself beloved (doing a hobby, taking a vacation from work, making dreams come true).
  5. Under no circumstances should you spy on your husband.

The psychologist told my friend: “Surprise your hormonal system! Show her that you can produce happiness hormones without a man. Do fitness, buy your favorite flowers, sing songs, in general, do whatever you like. “

The plan was grandiose. The distancing from the spouse has borne fruit. After some time, when the passions of both subsided, they talked with each other, coming to the conclusion that they needed a divorce. My friend was not shocked, on the contrary, after working with a psychologist, she realized that she loved and appreciated herself, and the man who had been around for so many years did not notice her value.

First changes in thinking and self-medication

A year later, she was unrecognizable. My friend changed jobs, went in for sports, made new friends. She has become much stronger. Did the fact of treason affect this transformation? Definitely. Unfortunately, or fortunately, grief never goes unnoticed for a person. It either breaks it or makes it better.

Once I asked a friend how she felt to be betrayed, deceived, used. She replied that she suffered greatly, but did not stop the negative on the advice of a psychologist. I shared it with loved ones who were ready to listen and support. But, the more time passed, the easier it became for her. Now, a year after her husband’s betrayal, she cannot even imagine herself as his wife. The thought of a possible reconciliation brings a smile to her face.

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Read also: The infidels: a social psychologist named 8 reasons for adultery

So cheating is good?

You can forgive your partner for treason, but is it worth it? This is a different question. Psychologists believe that if both partners analyze why betrayal happened in their lives, and then understand how to correct the mistakes that led to such an outcome, they will be able to “reset” the relationship. However, one should not fall into the illusion that one of the partners will forget about it. Should you forgive a traitor? It is only for the devotee to decide. But, it is absolutely clear that if a cheater is not aware of his guilt and does nothing to restore family happy relations, it is worth distancing from him.

Psychologist’s comment

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I have consulted a single married couple in which there was infidelity / systematic infidelity. People are different and situations, of course, are also different. However, I understand for sure that if a husband and wife really love each other and understand that they are happy together, no matter what, they will find the strength to rebuild the family, be able to forgive each other and live together as they lived before the betrayal.

If the cheating partner does nothing to bring them closer, you should not lend a helping hand to him. Love, appreciate, respect yourself!

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