It seems that after the wedding, people are just beginning to live together, full of love, romantic hopes and bright ideas about family life. Why is it the first year of marriage that is considered to be the most difficult and critical for both spouses? What’s new after the wedding? Indeed, as statistics show, most divorces occur precisely in the first years of marriage, especially the 1st.
We tried to figure out why so many couples have relationship problems after the weddingand how to prevent these problems. Bologny will name 5 reasons for the fading of love after the wedding.
See also: Crises of family relationships – how to avoid problems and maintain relationships?
5 reasons for the fading of love after marriage
1. Stress of spouses
Despite the fact that the wedding is considered a joyful event, stress researchers give it 50 points on a 100 point scale. This suggests that newlyweds have the right to feel anxiety, fatigue, nervousness, and maybe even irritation and powerlessness.
If you have not lived together before, and have just moved to your partner’s apartment, then you can safely add another 20 points. If you had to quit old habits, you can add 24 more points. And an unexpected pregnancy will increase stress by as much as 40 points.
Now you understand that from the point of view of physiologists, the beginning of family life is not so rosy, because the newlyweds after the wedding are in constant tension and attempts to adapt. You can compare this with a trip to an unfamiliar city, but such a trip lasts at most 10 days and, accordingly, brings only positive and adrenaline rush.
In the case of marriage, everyone understands that this is a long journey, and sometimes overestimates the importance of many little things and underestimates other factors.
2. Loss of illusion
Having no idea about the common life, we try to predict events, coming up with various variations on the theme “what should be my family and partner.” And seldom male and female ideas coincide.
If a woman thinks that her life will become easier and more interesting, then a man thinks that his life will be sexier and more comfortable.
There is nothing wrong with that, except that they are both wrong. Their ideas will come true only over time, and the length of this period will depend on the spouses, as well as their desire to compromise with their own ego.
Hence the conclusion: the sooner you forget about your expectations, the faster happiness will come to your home.
Commentary by psychologist Marina Kharlamova
Over time, a person begins to understand that a partner was not created to meet our expectations, he is a separate person with his own desires and interests, not obliged to serve as protection and support. For many, this discovery is unbearable, some do not want to take it for granted, and then the relationship in a couple deteriorates and it can fall apart irrevocably. In an amicable way, a marriage partner is a person without whom we feel complete, we can cover our needs on our own, but with him it is warmer, sweeter and more fun to go through life. This understanding is the key to family happiness.
3. Inconsistency of images
By the way, you can aggravate this situation with your premarital behavior. This is especially true of girls, because they tend to adapt to male courtship. But after the conclusion of a serious union, they want to talk about their needs and show their true nature.
Conclusion: “you need to negotiate on the shore.”
Before you get married, pay attention to whether you are being sincere with your partner. Are you embellishing your image too much? Do you enjoy being around natural? Do you feel uncomfortable with him, and under what circumstances?
Try to show your personality, not a false self. It is very good if you not only meet and have fun, but have common affairs. This will help to avoid the problem after the wedding “I thought he was like that, but it turned out to be different …”.
4. Unreadiness of spouses for marriage
Having realized the everyday imperfections of your partner, you enter a period of adaptation, which consists of several stages.
The initial stage is the exploration of boundaries, when everyone tries to implement their desires. Usually at this time there can be manipulations on both sides.
As a result, you move to another stage, from which there are 2 ways: a compromise to please your beloved partner or finding out “who is more important.” Are you asking if there is life after the wedding? But you can only get the answer from yourself.
If the couple managed to avoid parting at this stage, then there is a stabilization of the relationship. People are rethinking their requirements and developing new habits.
If the formed role does not suit you greatly, then in the future you cannot avoid divorce, so try to find a harmonious position for yourself. Don’t forget about your partner too.
After this stage, you can again remember your dreams, this is how the period of “re-maladjustment” begins. As you can imagine, it is not so destructive, and on this the pair either completely diverges, or again feels temporary stabilization.
See also: How to understand that love has passed, and divorce cannot be avoided?
5. Silence of problems
Why do relationships deteriorate after the wedding? Is it because you are so focused on your desires that you forget to be interested in your partner’s needs?
An ordinary heart-to-heart conversation can relieve the stress of both of you, as the saying goes “in grief and in joy,” but you need to speak correctly.
So, what should you avoid when talking with your beloved man:
- Low ratings for his ability, labels, or judgment.
- Not asked advice.
- Rhetorical questions with an expression of resentment.
- False arguments and manipulation.
- Negative generalizations from a single case.
- Stinging jokes addressed to him.
See also: What should a man not say under any circumstances?
Why love disappears after the wedding – 5 reasons from psychologist-sexologist Natalya Alexandrova
Maintaining love in a couple in the long term is possible if you pay attention to 5 difficulties that almost all newlyweds will have to face:
- Child-parental roles in relationships. Almost none of us marry as a psychologically mature person. Therefore, in a relationship we lose the relationship of mother-son, daughter-father, brother-sister. We are trying to close the deficits that the partner is unable to close. We are disappointed in him and love goes away. Among other things, intimacy is prohibited in relations with “relatives”, so intimate relations come to naught.
- Difficulties in communication. It is difficult and scary to open up, speak, be silent together, resolve conflicts constructively. As a result, grievances accumulate, the disunity in the couple grows.
- Low sexual intelligence. Understanding of your sexual preferences, the ability to hear your body. To know with whom, when and how I need, and how not.
- Connecting parent scripts. Unconsciously, we begin to replay the scenarios of the families from which we emerged. These are often not the happiest examples.
- Falling into a destructive cycle of pursuit-avoidance. One of the partners strives for a greater personal territory, the other – for a closer distance, to be constantly in contact. This increases the tension in the couple and leads to psychological distancing.
What to do to keep love after the wedding – clinical psychologist Elena Kalen told
One of the questions with which women come to consult a psychologist: “Before the wedding we had such love … A year has passed, and there are almost no feelings left.”
Familiar situation? Is love really going away or is it temporary difficulties?
Let’s take a closer look at what happens in a couple after marriage.
- Falling in love passes, and we meet with a real person. In the early years, feelings for a partner blind us, there is euphoria, the level of hormones is off scale, minor troubles are easily overcome, the partner’s shortcomings are not noticeable. As the relationship develops, the intensity of feelings decreases., we get used to the qualities of a partner that we were previously attracted to, they become ordinary for us, and we stop noticing them. But the brain still notices something, so the partner’s flaws become more obvious.… The ideal image is replaced by a real person with his true desires, feelings, needs that we may not like.
Also, upon marriage, a young couple is faced with a change in the relationship: living together, budget planning, household issues, communication with friends.
For example, one of the partners wants to sleep, while the other, on the contrary, is full of strength and energy, a woman loves cleanliness, a man scatters everything. Such situations in the life of a couple can arise on a daily basis. The more we notice the difference in each other, which seems unattractive to us, the more sensations that feelings go away.
What to do?
During this period, it is very important to learn how to negotiate, find compromises and the positive in the detected difference, and maybe learn to simply not pay attention to something. If a man is used to scattering socks, then you should not build in the habit of collecting them, it is much, more efficient and easier to let him deal with his socks: lose and find them, wash, etc.
It will be useful to discuss, who is responsible for what in everyday matters, how to allocate responsibilities and priorities in finances. The more clarity, the less the couple has claims to each other, and the more positive impressions from communicating with each other.
- One of the partners is silent about the problems that arise in the marriage. When one of the partners does not talk about, what does not suit him, adapts to the other partner, sacrifices his interests and desires in order to smooth out conflicts, maintain a relationship, then he may face emotional exhaustion, a sense of uselessness and depreciation. The second partner may not notice what is happening for a long time, because he is sure that everything is fine in the relationship.
What to do?
It is important for each partner to talk about their desires and expectations, learn to say “no” to each other, find opportunities to meet the needs of both partners, devote time not only to the family, but also to their development, rest, interests.
- Routine in a relationship. Before marriage, partners often visited friends., to concerts, walked, life was eventful and interesting. In marriage, a couple is faced with the fact that every day is similar to the previous one, there is a feeling of routine. A constant daily routine, the same responsibilities, rituals, homebody can make life together boring, and feelings lose their brightness.
What to do?
During this period, it is important to continue to fill life with emotions and feelings, plan joint time away from home, meet friends, travel, and make surprises.
After the wedding, feelings go through a new stage of development, change, move to a deeper level. Openness, showing feelings, the ability to find compromises, taking care of yourself and your partner, support, filling family life with impressions will help you go through the period of adaptation to family life more easily and strengthen love.
If you want to keep love after the wedding, and not win at any cost, then you will come to stability much earlier and easier. Such a test will temper you and help keep your love for many happy years.
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